I had just buried my second biological baby. She had just found out she was pregnant! As I was experiencing one of life’s necessary sufferings. She was experiencing one of life’s biggest miracles.
In this way, it makes so much sense why she was withholding her miracle with me. Her empathetic nature. Her compassion. Not wanting to hurt me.
However, her empathetic compassionate withhold shocked me into a level of awareness that I did not want her to ever feel like she needed to withhold her miracles from me just because I was suffering. Her happiness was my happiness.
“Please don’t ever withhold your good news from me please.”
However what I know to be true about that and myself is...it was just five years earlier where I had been five months pregnant when I began to hemorrhage. My first pregnancy ever. I was experiencing love and loss in a way I didn’t understand.
My friends little girl brought her little baby doll in for me. She was so innocent. So sweet in her nature. “Since you lost your baby you can have mine” I mean...that is also this magical level of innocence combined with such loving empathy and compassion. However my organic response to her innocence felt more like I was being stabbed in my heart as I turned to her mother “How could you let her do that to me! Now is not the time!”
What lives in the space between those two magical moments of pure love given to me. Another’s natural empathy. Another humans serious level of compassion -existed the level of my own suffering plus my own development along the way.
If I knew now what I didn’t know then...I would have handled that little girls sweet innocent gift very differently but I was in too much new to me pain.
I was younger and greener and my trauma was existing in a different place.
In that five years earlier experience, the paramedic was sweating as he was trying to put the fluids back in my body in the form of an IV. He had to place that IV in my neck because he couldn’t get a solid vein in my hand. His word were this:
“I have to do this so you don’t DIE”
It didn’t feel like I was dying but what the heck did I know about what it feels like to die?
At that time I was only 19 years old.
Then in the hospital the doctor yelled at me. He was irritated because I refused to open my legs.
I said “It feels like if I open my legs, something is going to gush out”
He basically told me I was being “dramatic” and he’s “The Doctor”
I knew what was going on in my own body but I said “Okay then...”
As it turned out I was right. My supposed “dramatic” not knowing what was happening inside my own body based on my own sensations internally...let’s just say, what happened after that turned the smugness of that arrogant doctors face into a humbled human.
I didn’t want to say it...but I did try to tell him.
I was experiencing one traumatic thing after the next traumatic thing from inside of myself to what those who were helping me were saying to me and how they were saying it.
When that little girl gave me that gift I hadn’t reconciled any of that yet. She was there by my bedside less than 12 hours later.
That sweet little munchkin.
She didn’t do anything wrong and I had to be willing to understand myself, forgive myself for seeing it any other way but that meant accepting my response couldn’t have been any different at that time than what it was
When I was able to move my pain internally -I could go back and hold her for the little sweetheart she was much sooner.
Our lives are alchemical opportunities.
One experience after the other.
ik this way, how does anyone know what empathy and compassion is if we don’t give room for people to grow, move, shift and then go back where and when we need to.
We neber know what is true for anyone.