New Years Eve was really spectacular. That is once I meditated. I felt sad and guilty and as if I abandoned the children. I created a kids only-no parents allowed New Year's Eve party that they looked forward to. And then I go an leave my life and them behind. It may seem silly since it was only one night but to know the level of purity, play and absolute fun that circulated the very air that we breathed -Together. It was magical for them and for me.
I had to be okay with that before I could enjoy my evening. It took some work.
Now, living in Hawaii alone-there is nothing to focus on but myself and my business and all of me in such a deep way. In addition to, all of the things that meant something to me. Underneath that party with all of the children was a level of fulfillment that Allowed the inevitable moment that always happens this time a year to be a little less painful. Not having access to little ones created an opening where I had nothing to focus on except the sensation of loss.
However, there is more to it: I'm currently in a deep heart connection with a person who lives almost 5000 miles away. It's been healthy and sweet and intensely beautiful. There is nothing known yet an inner knowing, no labels, no conditions, there is only a connection that feels amazing. I'm sort of committed to honoring it with reverence.
Then all of a sudden it became painful to not be able to touch this person. I thought oh shit, I am crossing the line into a darker place, what the heck is happening?
However, the benefit of being alone and the past 20 years of experience left me with a sense I knew exactly what was really going on. My ability to get what was really happening to me was quick, like a ninja.
Not having the children to share my love with + not having this person to touch = a resurfacing of Donovan. My son who died 21 years ago next month. I walked around for months after his death, not knowing where to place the intense biological urge to nurture and love what I was meant to nurture and love. What do you do when your biologically programmed to really be loving something that isn't there to love? It's intense for sure.
It's like I got it so quickly. This was not about the children or this person.
They say it is both a blessing and a curse to feel so much but I am at a point in my life where I am gentle with myself, my emotions, my triggers, my sadness, my pain. How can one love themselves if they aren't willing to feel the whole and complete person that is their true self?
The pain passed through me until o could connect to my creativity. What do I want this February to be about? Of course it will revolve around LOVE.
How, what and what venue hasn't come to me as of yet. But it will...