The BDSM lifestyle isn’t one that appeals to me personally, however, the more I educate myself on it, the less I’m able to tolerate the misrepresentation of it or the shame/fear consciousness that is pervasive in our society today. Mostly, it speaks volumes to me when people use the 50 shades of Grey Trilogy as their platform to speak up and out against “Domestic Violence,” Shame and fear vs empowerment through education.
This type of sheep consciousness amazes me. Yet, others are trying to convince me that I’m the sheep following the “masses” because I enjoyed the trilogy along with millions of other women.
Oh, and the over analysis concludes: we women must be bored and unfulfilled to even waste our time reading such “trash,” our womanhood is being scrutinized by the whirlwind or the 50 shades of opinions, oh us poor wicked unconscious, unintellectual, uninspired women…the devil has us in his grasp, our men aren’t showing up right or, we are bowing down to a false god.
Perhaps, millions of us women liked this trilogy because we are sensual beings by nature, the books are really about growth, healing and love winning. Chances are, if millions of us women liked the book, there is LOVE in it!!!!
Is that really so inconceivable??
The Lifestyle of BDSM
From what I understand the BDSM lifestyle’s key mantra is, “Safe, Sane, Consensual.” Soft limits, hard limits, safe words, contracts and the methodology behind all of it is to generate a profound level of intimacy built on deep layers of trust. So while the pain factor doesn’t interest me, I find it fascinating there is so much fear around this lifestyle that in theory, has more depth, integrity and honesty in it than most marriages today.
Dom/Sub-Aside from the pain doesn’t equal pleasure for me, the more I learn about how deeply the trust has to be to play these two roles out, I can honestly say, I’m probably not mature enough to play either role.
The Dom role doesn’t appeal to me on any level. This may only be because my sexuality has evolved and shifted each decade and I’m more in touch with my feminine now than any other decade of my sexual life. Yet, because I’m a bold, strong and sometimes overly self-expressed woman, people who know me best would naturally assume if I had to pick one role to play, I would play the Dom role. They would be wrong though.
The Submissive role has some imaginary appeal to me, yet, the truth is, I really don’t trust any human being that deeply. A little role playing, maybe a blind-fold or a loose knot in my scarf that just happened to end up tying my hands together because the moment is fun and the energy is playful….Yes, I can do that. I can do that because I know I’m not “really” tied up. Sexual play is like a dance and only the people dancing can decide what something is or isn’t to them.
The book trilogy-*SPOILER ALERT
Yes, there is abuse mentioned in the book. Christians’ childhood prior to being adopted into a loving healthy- wealthy family, is clearly articulated to serve part of the purpose of why he developed the way he developed.
The other abusive element was the older woman who actually taught him this lifestyle when he was a young teenager. He was taught that lifestyle by a woman who took advantage of a young impressionable boy and Ana is the person who helps Christian become conscious to the truth that what he actually experienced was abuse. Eventually, this is where healing began, where truth came out, where truth coming out and healing led to a healthier way of viewing the world.
And oh god, how I long for a world where true healing leads vs shaming to the point that things remain a big ugly secret.
As far as Ana goes, Yes, she is a young person finishing up college, sees herself as a geek vs a goddess, yet; she’s also an incredibly stable, sound and emotionally mature young woman who has a stepfather she absolutely adores, her biological father is dead and her whimsical mother is now on husband number 4.
Throughout the trilogy Ana blossoms from geek to goddess. She discovers her boundaries as she goes, when she is a no, it is respected. The trilogy begins with her as a College student and it ends with Ana owning/running a company as she’s also a wife and a mother. She is beyond revered by her husband and it is she who insists on a “play room,” to keep her marriage to her husband spicy and vibrant.
Her life. Her choice. Her way.
ALL I KNOW IS:
Three years ago, I Thoroughly enjoyed this trilogy via Audible, which means I “listened” to these books on tape. My experience was very positive. I felt alive and vibrant. I felt things like empathy, compassion, intrigue, hope, the possibility of healing through truth. My desire to see the movie derived from my positive memories of the trilogy.
Fast forward to now, as I read the 50 shades of shame based and fear based opinions trying to convince me (and everyone else) these adult books and the adult movie somehow represents all that is wrong with the world, or the devil himself and I feel completely violated. Violated and drained by the lack of education, the dishonesty and the imposed morality. And now I get to feel other things like, sadness, fear, intense judgment and how deeply our society is stuck on the misguided notion that this book trilogy and movie has all of this negative power to create a problem that actually already exists. A series of negative projections and everyone’s collective fear.
Because hey, it’s not our responsibility to parent well and have loving communities where young adults can flourish and learn the difference between healthy connections and unhealthy connections, Good touch vs Bad touch.
Let’s put all the blame, pressure and responsibility on E.L James “adult’ novels, even if we haven’t read them.
WOMEN AND OUR NATURAL SENSUALITY:
I used to be an “Art of Exotic Dancing for Every Day Women.” Dance instructor. Read that sentence again and you can just imagine the stereotypical responses or misperceptions on what people thought I was doing vs what I was really doing.
I would travel to other cities and teach these workshops. As an instructor, after we had our circle of introduction, I would get up, put on a song of my choice and dance for the women in the class to the song that resonated with me. The methodology behind this was for the women to see and experience what I would be teaching them. Yet, when I say that, I’m not just talking about “move your hip clockwise as you…..” it wasn’t the “moves” or the sequence of moves that inspired the women to get up after my dance and learn. It was my being, my freedom, the confidence of loving my body and being free to move it in a sensual way. It was my ability to make eye contact with them as I was in flow. And this was what the women would really be learning in this class. They would be learning to embrace, love and be freely self-expressed using their own unique sensual beauty that was often trapped inside of their bodies due to cultural conditioning or forgetting their true nature, or shutting their sexual selves down because they believed “that’s what moms are supposed to do.”
I’ve witnessed my own transformation (more on that in a different blog) yet the real magic for me was watching groups of women, hundreds of women, reclaim their own unique beauty and allowing themselves to dance freely dropping all of the conditional fear and shame some of these women spent a life time carrying.
Maybe the 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy is the same thing and that’s why millions of women connected to the books. Maybe it was just an opportunity for women to connect to their own sensual selves in the form of fantasy and there really is nothing to fear.