My current connection (a man who is leaving in a few days) Gulp! He's just such a good man and I am feeling more than I probably should. I could see myself being with him. Which is really not possible... but I feel what I feel and my desire is where it is.
With this one, the struggle IS REAL!!!! OMG
This is uncharted territory for me.
It's not that "What happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas" thing for me. That would be so much easier. It could be that for him, I would understand, I'm not expecting people to fall for me... But I have to be honest about what's true for me in each moment.
I am digging this one. I don't want him to leave. But he is leaving. He's messing up my thoughts about myself as a free- fun loving -in the moment able to free flow- super smart woman- concept of myself. Darn him!!!!
I'm also...other things...tender hearted is one of them. Deeply loving is another. In addition to being Selective. I'm open but I'm super selective.
I'm a no to men all day, every day. I usually have ninja intuitive skills on if a connection will feel like it's adding to the quality of my existence, if it will follow the thread of feeling good, before-during and after. Most of the time, my instincts tell me-oh no, that will just be a mess for my tender heart and feminine Psyche. That's the last thing I need. It is my job to honor my mind/body/spirit at all times after all. My years at the barber shop taught me a lot about men, my relationship to them and mostly....how to navigate with men and their desires... I don't fear much, I feel safe at all times and when I don't, I know how to bow out of something gracefully with minimal damage to me or anyone's fragile ego.
I don't worry about men, their advances. I trust myself in this way.
What felt like an opportunity for me to be a space where he gets to say what he wants...and we get to enjoy one another "Temporarily."
Now I feel myself resisting "what is," or "It is what it is." "Take it for what it is."
I don't want to. I want him to stay LOL!!!! Which is so funny. The good man in him is like sucking me into his vortex. I want to be around him. I just do
I don't want to miss a moment with him.
UGH...Most inconvenient....these feelings I'm having.
Go away..no, stay closer, no go away...stay closer...you know...that weird and twisty fear/desire internal battle when your heart is telling you...
"When this one leaves...you're going to feel it..it may hurt a little"
Mmmhmmm. When your heart doesn't match the reality of the situation..it takes something (((I think))) to not allow fear of the inevitable loss (((Happening in a few days))) stop you from showing up fully and authentically without worrying about protecting yourself.
Ultimately though...I don't want to miss one second with him while he's here. If he's available and wants to see me, I am a YES!!!!
I will deal with my feminine tender heart feelings of the reality that he is leaving...after he leaves.
I see no logical reason to worry about that now. Life is now, he is here now. I'm digging him now. That's all there really is anyway...NOW
And right now...I am digging this man....
So I'm going with what's true right now...staying the path...I will keep moving the way love moves...Even if all I am is a fun Hawaii experience for him...That's actually not a bad thing to be...
I think the key here for me in this with this really good man, the keeper whom I am not able to keep....will be to just allow things to unfold naturally...and enjoy the moment
So that's what I'm going to do. I don't even know if I will be able to see him again before he goes. I don't know anything.