Then Cameron's mom sent me the picture of her and Cameron and I was like "Wow, I'm having such an incredible day! I love seeing these images. Yet, I also noticed Cameron is no longer wearing her braces. I'm all excited about this but as it turns out...she's had them off for almost 2 years now and I totally forgot all about that.
Joseph is in my life, whereas Cameron lives mostly in my heart and text between her mother and myself with the occasional gift exchange. She has a new family and that includes a connection with a stepmother she really likes a lot. Whereas, my son is kind of stuck with me until I die haha.
Yet with Cameron...Cleaning my grid with her father really has been this whole thing for me because he's her father, I have reverence for that but not at the expense of my reverence for myself and that has journey has sometimes been surprisingly tricky waters in uncharted territory for me to figure out as I continued to clean my grid.
It was that engagement video I saw of her father and all the images of living life as a couple before my side of the bed was even cold. That video set my healing back a lot. Not having anything to do with their love as much as having to do with Cameron's last few years memories vs the new blood and new beginning memories she was currently experiencing. There was something inside of that for me because through the divorce process her father said some pretty judgmental things to me that felt very much like judgments he never actually had before.
As if he was in this new woman's valence. And I have always taken a very significant stand for my connection with my stepdaughter to keep the purity she and I had in the space between us -pure. If she and I had a breakdown that was between she and I, that was on me. Yet to have anyone else create content or context that didn't respect the connection I spent building with her moment to moment, I was always there to eradicate that and I was able to do that in such a way, that I was able to have reverence for all of her other connections too. The very thought that her memories were being re-designed by "whispering down the lane" -that actually was something that I felt crawling beneath my very skin. And a part of that was residue from all kinds of other memories. Which I've since cleaned my grid in all of those places so it's a mute point yet, at that time I knew there was nothing I could do or say about any of it anyway because I was no longer there. Children believe whatever the adults around them say and I understand that so very deeply. Not just based on my own life but based on the nature of my work too.
In that space I sent her mother an email explaining that I was going to not follow Cameron on social media anymore and I would just happily see what her mother sends me. And that wasn't for Cameron's sake. It was for mine. There are all of these other ways to stay in a persons life. It doesn't have to be on social media and her mother is a blessing to me in this way too. She knows how much I love her daughter. And she knows that doesn't change just because my relationship with her father has transitioned. Cameron is free to be in her life and she can contact me any time. She knows that and her mother knows that too. She has so much love and support and happiness all around her and is in her own life. The decision to not follow her on social media was an excellent decision for me, my growth and my healing cause I was getting stuck. Every time I thought about anyone planting negative seeds in her head-I would feel a similar violation as I did when anyone planted negative seeds in my son's head. Therefore, I was being re stimulated left and right. It was bringing all of it back and that was actually a good thing because it just allowed me to clean my grid even more. You know, contrary to popular belief or what my history/track record on paper may say about me-I do actually love very deeply and wholeheartedly. Just because it doesn't look like people think it should look doesn't mean it doesn't exist. And my connection to the young humans in my life runs very deeply inside of my heart. To spend a decade deeply committed to a little human only to have someone come in when I leave and insert negativity-well that was just another thing I had to learn to let go of. But that was a process for me for sure. What I love about who I am and how I live my life is, through all of this processing I've been experiencing daily bliss too.
I was walking to church when I had the realization that May 1st was the exact date I got in my car to start life from the ground up again. And today is May 7th. May 1st came and went and I am no longer counting time. I felt this truth moving through my body as a beautiful thing. It was just March that I was still counting time. As I'm always interested in my own healing process, cleaning my grid and learning to let go. Not at the surface level but really truly.
All of a sudden, there is emptiness in something that had so much meaning. This took me two years and I wouldn't have even noticed it if it wasn't for that beautiful smile sent to me. For me, when that happens in such an organic way where something has to come in to remind me..that is an indicator to me, I am over it. That felt amazing...I feel like when I go home in October, I will be okay in every way. I didn't feel that way before now. Before now I felt like I had to get my spiritual chops together just in case. That's gone now and that feels real good.
This morning as I was walking to Unity Church...(I haven't taken that walk since Rev Jack left the church.) I forgot how the walk itself is deeply fulfilling to my own soul. By the time I arrive there I feel like the walk has opened my soul wide open. I feel lovely, beautiful and as if my heart is as big as the ocean before I even get there. I was of course late, which is a thing with me on Sundays walking there. I just have this beauty ADD happening but it doesn't feel stressful. It feels like a part of church. As if I am supposed to stop to see that flower, stop to take in the paradise that I now call home. It brings me to such deep reverence when I do that. The walk itself reconnects me in every way.
Interestingly, I'm completely smitten with Dr BJ Miller and I'm so thrilled to have spent the time to research who he is. His Ted talk is beautiful, inspirational and this below is worth anyone's time in my own opinion.
He lost both of his lower legs and his arms at 19 years old.. His wisdom is really incredible as is the choice he has made with his life purpose. Beyond that. My interest on this topic is humanistic yet it's also a part of my never ending research of my other book:
Tender is the Heart
16 lessons of Love and Loss
When you don't know what to say...sit in the stew with the person....because language is inadequate and I know this to be true in my own experience and in shares from other humans who experienced loss. We all seem to share one common thread: The words people say that made us feel better is very subjective. People showing up when they do, if it helps or hurts, that too is dependent on the individual families and the personalities in that specific family.
The thing I think is most powerful is to just sit in the stew with the person who just lost a loved one. I really like that because it's organic.
The salve is being seen, in being heard..... I love that so much because that is what we can all do now....
Life is not about avoiding suffering, it's about finding meaning...says Paul's wife.
For me, for who I am...today has been an amazing day and now I'm going to relax into the evening