Packing. Blah. Okay, I didn't really do any packing today. I just got some boxes.
Instead of packing-I went outside and played with the chickens. I put on different songs and power walked up and down the chicken run and they followed me. There is something about them running (and following me) that just cracks me up. Although, one must be very careful because Chickens will run right under your feet! It isn't as easy as it seems :)
After a long and dull winter, it feels good to have them outside looking healthy and running around...
I also officially booked the next thing on my healing journey.
I'm April Fool's Day I will be heading to Iowa and spending 11 nights at "The Raj, Ayurveda Health Spa and Resort"
When you book your stay, you are sent a lot of information that lets you know just how serious this health Spa is about health. There is a lot of prep work to prepare your body before you arrive. I'm going to be eating/drinking a lot of barley soup apparently. And have to look for other herbs I've never even heard of before. But it is its own little new adventure of learning and experiencing.
Here in the space I used to call home... ...the land between ending and beginning...my stomach became queasy today and I heard myself say out loud "I am scared."
I used to be so good at change, flow and not knowing what will happen next. I used to love it actually. And a part of this relationship really has been consistent change and never knowing what will happen next anyway so I couldn't figure out why I was so scared. Was it fear of being alone? I couldn't get clear because the truth is, I'm already alone. I've been doing many things by myself for a few years now anyway. For various reasons, my time has been my own. And I think because I enjoy my own company (maybe a little too much) it wasn't so awful.
Then I realized, I've grown accustomed to putting certain parts of me on hold while we kept building his dreams. This massive house (that I've learned to love) is his dream. Not mine. It's not that I don't love it here because I absolutely do. It's not that I don't appreciate its beauty or him because I absolutely do. It's not that I don't like quality things because I absolutely do!
It's just that this big house hasn't made him/us happy. And I've been saying that for a long time. Everything we aquired or built or added into our lives, has never had any real power. Other than the power to suck up all of my time and make it that much harder to even listen to my own voice. The life of adding "things" on top of "missing" meaningful things has always felt wrong to me on some level. We used to joke that I could live in a box and be perfectly happy. And I know that's true because I have lived in a box before and I was perfectly happy. (Not literally, just really small apartments)
But now that I've grown accustomed to these BIG add ons...and now that I've been drinking the kool-aid (so-to-speak) and finding ways to create meaning at the same time-now there are just too many things I'm about to let go of. Now it's this whole extra process of letting go.
Because we all know, even if you're living in a swamp of missing -it's still your swamp.
In addition to that, while I'm wide open and present to every aspect of letting go.
He is...well I really don't even know what "he is." But don't we all handle life and transitions differently?
Things were kosher and cool before because you could feel things were legitimately kosher and cool. For me, it felt like-the minute we agreed to end it, was the minute he stopped trying to change me. And that did feel kosher and cool. There was such freedom in that space. Everyone can breath easier when you shut off that need to change someone other than yourself.
However, that easy breathing phase has worn off some. Today was day two of him snapping at me. And I'm supposed to understand how much pressure there is at work. But The work excuse has been so over used, in so many ways, for so many years now. I can't help but think at this point that "work," is just code for: intimacy, no thanks. I can't.
Diving into work is a legitimate way to deal. I'm certainly not knocking it. I will soon be doing the very same thing.
But using the pressure of work to justify lowering your own bar with how you treat others (meaning me) that's the part I have a teeny tiny issue with because we already agreed-I am no longer the person to direct that stuff toward.
There was an odd cruelty to the energy between us today. I got snappy tonight. At some point he asked me if I was ready to be nice to him and my response was "probably not."
All this means though...it's really time to physically go. But there are things to handle. Such as, we haven't told his daughter yet. And she's the only person in our family that we worry, our decision will hurt her. Because she's only 13 and grew up with me. But because she's 13 and in her own life with peers most of the time..she may be fine.
This weekend she's coming. So that is one more important step in the process...
Next week: He's going away on a business trip which will be a nice break.
The week after that: I'm going away for 11 days which will be a nice break.
Then shortly after, it will be done.
Today was not great....
But it's nothing a good nights sleep can't wash away. I wonder what tomorrow will bring?