My Tinder experience is minimal time wise. Yet, it doesn't take very long to figure these things out and make decisions.
Step 1: A friend recommends in the way of "Omg, you have to see these men on Tinder"
Step 2: I'm single now. I want to see these men on Tinder.
Step 3: Dive in...swipe left and right having no idea...a left swipe says no, I'm not interested and a right swipe says "yes, I am interested" I am just swiping away.....(it could work the other way-don't go by me...)
Step 4: clean up the swipe mess as quickly as possible as I am not good at that -who cares - I prefer to be as kind, clear and direct as possible regardless if it's my family or a person at the grocery store. And it makes me feel yucky to have a person think I am interested when I am not. Tinder certainly doesn't care and maybe the men don't either but it's really about being who I am at all times.
Step 4: Experiment a little. Learn...feel what I like and don't like...
Step 5: pick 3 men and delete the app.
Step 6: See where those 3 connections are meant to go...
Connection #1. - I somehow manage to turn the sexual interest into a coaching client this happened organically...just by showing up in each moment as myself. As it turns out...a lot of men who just want sex, they also want to make a woman feel good. Many of them are freshly divorced and want to experiment but they do not want to hurt women. Let me repeat that because it feels important.
Some men....who want to experience casual sex are not trying to "take" what they want from a woman...they are trying to give sexual pleasure TO a woman. Or they want to experience mutual adult pleasure. For a woman who wants that too...it's a good match.
Not all women's hearts live in their vagina's. Not all women are looking for their husband, or the one or desire anything more than...a sexual experience. This man is perfect for that woman..
There comes a time where women need to stop trying to be that hip, cool, new woman if she knows her heart lives in her vagina. If she knows she's saving herself for something special. If she knows that her association with this type of man will damage her on any level...
"Thank you...no thank you because I know my heart lives in my vagina..I know myself well enough to know...I can't do no strings attached sex"
He is looking for connection in a specific container and she is looking for connection in a completely different container.
Our work seemed to be in his ability to get clear within himself and to be able to communicate reverently. In addition to...using his own inner wisdom by not having sex with the woman he really was not attracted to but would have sex with her anyway because he said he would.
A Mindful woman can not afford to waste her time having sex with a man who isn't physically attracted to her. She will feel his truth...it will hurt her...
A Mindful man can not afford to have sex with a woman he is not attracted to either, he will feel like crap too.
There is more, but ultimately...by getting clear, honoring himself and honoring women through reverent communication..:he ended up meeting the women who were just like him. He was finally playing with the right playmates...
And then it happened...he met the "one" he was NOT looking for, not interested in, didn't want....BAM there she was....ultimately, he's a great guy who was married for a long time and he was trying to find his way, trying to heal all of those places a sexless marriage damages....
He's my favorite Tinder Connection!!!
Connection # 2
Mostly, he's sexy and just cracks me up. Not much there except-he just cracks me up. And that's where some connections remain...
Connection # 3.
After months of a slow and steady stream of conversations..
I just met him for the first time last night and just for a few hours.
This one has that "keeper" quality to him. You know, he's the guy a gal marries or at the very least...he's the long term relationship guy...it's in his vibe and way of being vs anything else.
A father of 3 mostly grown/ almost grown kids. A true blue honest to goodness family man. Trustworthy, safe, solid, dependable. A fireman with a servants heart. I mean this guy, is really just amazing!!!
He's the dad at the dance letting all of the boys know..what's what just by his presence.
He's the friend who helps out his buddy's on moving day and shows up in the community -with his servants heart..
I already knew, when we met.... I would be completely safe and I would be treated like a lady. I was right and it was a very sweet experience.
We spoke, socialized, walked on the beach and then he kissed me (Or did I kiss him? I can't remember actually) I was like "woah nelly....In addition to being the Dad at the dance, the friend who others can count on...and all of those other qualities...there's a passionate man in there too? That actually surprised me. And I kept putting my head in his nook at random times because on top of everything else...he's got an awesome nook! Lean in, rest my head...come back out... He didn't seem to mind....
After a few short hours...He wanted to walk me all the way home...not because I'm a damsel in distress or he saw me as a weak human but because...of his servants heart.
It felt as if he was immune to all of that dating awkward equality fear based stuff. He just moved to the rhythm of his own nature. I felt that freedom in him. I REALLY Liked that!!!!
And when I wanted him to walk me half way home instead...He allowed me to move in the rhythm of my nature and held respect for how I believe I am already perfectly safe, with or without him.
I felt that freedom in me.
One meeting. A sweet encounter...
I walked away from that experience thinking about the power of Tinder as a tool for any person to figure out where they are and how good they are at being able to remain true to themselves.
Dating to me, isn't about a process of eliminating human beings as if they are cattle. I'm not actually clear on how it works for others. I just know what feels good to me. I don't feel like I'm on the hunt for the "one" I feel like I'm floating through each connection discovering where it's meant to go and I never know what any connection will bring. I find humor in places where I think I'm supposed to be offended in or I feel that collective place where all the "rules" live. "Men shouldn't, women should" or whatever that stuff is. I don't know...It just feels a little more fun to meet people and just float....just dance in the energy and enjoy the process. Often I find this challenges men. Because they have their rules and lists too and I'm like...rules? Lists? huh? I was thinking..you be you, I will be me and lets float without all of the self preservation stuff...let's just float and see what is truly there.
Connection # 3 is super seductive as it relates to the part of me that desires a man like that. Slow, steady, responsible, nurturing, giving, full on the inside, led by his servants heart and is so NOT looking for a woman to help him raise his children. Oh, there is that piece...
What made the kiss with connection #3 so surprising is...95% of his sharing with me has been dad type stuff. Totally cool, I am perfectly comfortable talking in the parental. I have a lot of reverence for that. And...conversations that are led 95% of the time in the parental arena does not make me go "ooooh.. I bet he's a really good kisser"
I have zero associations between a good dad and the ability to be a good kisser and since I am not looking for a man to have babies, I already have my own father, my son already has a father.....the good kissing part is a little more important to me at this time.
I know I'm not supposed to be saying that. I'm not supposed to be wanting passion, fun, turn on and all of that yummy stuff. But that is what I want...
So that's my Tinder experience...up to date...