But the part that actually got me thinking was when he says "But you still hit my phone up," and I was thinking...oh man that's me. That's so very ME! I mean unless someone tells me they don't want me to reach out, if I don't have their consent or something-I will continue to "hit them up," with absolutely no thought or desire or delusion what-so-ever that we are getting back together or whatever the case may be. In fact, I do this all the time in connections. So as I'm riding on the bike feeling amazing, I find myself shaking my head as I laugh..out loud as I ride by a bunch of humans.
You know-people...they come up with their own versions of my reality all the time. And it's mostly funny. Everyone has their pseudo psychology degrees out based on their own (often limited) life experiences and their own world views. It's funny....it just is. Because my life doesn't fit in a box. And I think that's a good thing.
Don't run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don't you tell them the truth?
"At the bottom of not a little of the bravery that appears in the world, there lurks a miserable cowardice. Men will face powder and steel because they have not the courage to face public opinion.
~Edwin Hubbel Chapin
Whereas I do have courage. At least that's how it feels to me.
He didn't seem to understand...I wasn't holding onto anyone as much as I was moving through -the process of alignment with the laws of my own nature vs moving in alignment with the laws of social expectations, rules of engagement or whatever society has laid out.
My life is an experiment at this time and that does not shift or change just because I have a feeling come up. I'm not a robot after all. I have all kinds of feelings and I allow them to move through me. In doing so I usually end up with the ability to be with people in a broader way.
I don't pretend to not feel what I do feel - as I see no logic or health benefits to it. And sharing what is true for me - didn't stop me from doing the things I love to do. I wasn't laying in bed eating ice cream but even if I was, if I needed to lay in bed and eat ice cream I totally would without guilt or shame or anyone convincing me I'm some kind of mental patient for feeling all of my feelings or using ice-cream as a temporary comfort as I move through what I am feeling.
The storms are raging for one reason only: your inner self will not be ignored.
If you have no template for honoring feelings, processing them, bearing witness to them, surrendering them, and watching them miraculously transform, then they can appear in your life as frightening energy ruling you -instead of being ruled by you.
It is time for your slavery to end, and for your mastery to begin.
Mastery does not emerge from personal force but from spiritual surrender."
Like with these adorable (to me) light hearted (to me) joy inducing (To me) Bitmoji's... I just love them, love using them, love playing with them and I love having playful conversations with them...
Many adults- do not get the same pleasure out of them I do and I don't know who those people are until...they tell me. "Ugh, I hate those things!" which makes me laugh even harder.
In the same way-I an equally true to myself when something comes up I haven't said - I'm as kind as I can be and I do believe in saying it with as much reverence as possible. But I do believe in saying it. And I'm very clear in connection -who I am and what I do and what my isms are. If someone feels blindsided by me they either didn't believe me or they did not listen. Often they don't believe me. Cause I'm "so nice" but I'm not nice. I am kind and there is a difference.
I see something interesting playing out with some people -who just love to say things like "She/he's just not getting it," when really...the person who is telling me this-there is a huge discrepancy between their words and their actions. Often..what he/she is doing is being polite or that thing people do where they don't want to hurt someone else's feelings... so what they do is...
hurt that persons feelings even more-
by not having their words and their actions align in equal measure -and then they say things like "He/She just doesn't get it," or they sing the song....."Because you're still hitting me up"
It's fascinating...how this works...
Mostly many humans are just learning to use their voices for the first time and they are - wherever they are in their development.
Yet... if you are sleeping over every night of the week and going out on dates on the weekends and yet you are saying "I don't want to get serious, this is not a relationship!" It is you who is confused and not "getting it." (Usually) I don't know that for sure but it feels that way to me. And people will get their gets when they get them. That's not my business anyway.
When I have these conversations- what I hear is "Well, I have been honest, I am speaking up." and/or "He/she is a grown man/woman."
What I hear- is a person who is going to learn at some point (the hard and painful way...) even grown men and grown women have tender pulsating hearts, hopes and dreams and once you've created that connection- every night and weekends too with a person..you can say whatever you want to say....but you are in a relationship and the lesson often is: it is as hard to be the person who causes someone else pain as it is to be the person who gets rejected. You both bleed red and that's how it goes as we grow and develop into our most conscious most caring most developed selves. Along the path...through growth...this is what happens sometimes. It's a part of it. Honesty, love and compassion should come from our inner selves, not from any other source because when it does come from within we learn how to move the way we are meant to move. There is another place too- available in our development where we are so deeply connected within and so happy within your own center there is no confusion. It's a place where actions and words align beautifully and "do no harm," becomes more natural. Or not, it depends.
We don't reject or invite out of fear-we just follow our inner guidance.
Same concept applies to me and my inability to stop hitting a person up. I'd like to bring more mindfulness to this aspect of my personality but I have a feeling...this is sort of just who I am and how I roll.
Because more and more...I am learning the laws of my own nature are so much better, more vibrant and healthier in the long run than any rule book out there.
My intention is I LOVE YOU and when things transform, my intention is to keep going until all that remains is: I LOVE YOU and then when I stop "hitting you up," should we end up "meeting up" again in a year or in 10 years, the only thing I have is the smile on my face and the warm memories I gifted myself with by being willing to keep moving until all I have left is: I love you...
I mean does everything have to be romantic with a happy "forever" after ending or nothing at all?
Isn't life and love existing in the spaces in between?
I think this is what I experience every time someone tells me I deserve "true love." As if there is only happy "forever after" endings or nothing at all.
Do you know what comes with and at the end of: happy "forever" after The end. Which is Death. That is how every one of our stories will end. The end of every one's story is simply: Death. And while I know that sounds a little morbid or harsh...that is where the story ends. Every time, without fail. Period. There is no deviating from this ending. What we leave behind is the people we have touched.
What happens after that I have no idea. That's as far as my scope of knowing goes.
I am not going to wait for true love to knock on my door or wait until something very very special comes along to see and feel and experience all the love that exists all around me and through my connections with other people and that does actually include the series of meaningful and not so meaningful connections that come and go too at this time in my life.
And that is what I think everyone deserves. To know that love is everywhere and it exists in our connections and inside our own hearts. Just because one thing isn't showing up at this time doesn't mean we have to wait. Sit and wait, sit and wait...
It will come when it comes. In the meantime:
If I am still "hitting your phone up," in the same way Justin Bieber is singing about...relax....don't worry....I have already gone and loved myself. I'm on it
All is well