The massage room is mostly packed. Except for the necessary items for my last few clients who will be trickling in right up to the moving van's arrival.
As the count down to my departure continues...today is his birthday...
Offering him a birthday massage was something I had to put some thought into. Do I really want to give him a massage?
It's been pretty sweet with moments of ugly. An interesting blend. However, those ugly moments are as necessary as the pretty ones. It's called being real, being honest, being true and it's also a big deal to make this enormous change.
I'm still grieving. I'm still sort of sad and I'm most definitely pissed off at times. But it feels like it's all a part of the journey, it is what it is and necessary. And it's getting easier and easier day by day.
The massage "take 1" did not go well. Less than 10 minutes in he decided it wasn't working for him.
He did return and began to lecture me, which makes me giggle because his lectures are notorious. Lectures usually include a tone of "are you going to behave?" As if I'm the child and he's the parent. I've never actually understood that. Calmly I suggested "it's probably best if you remain silent too." And I began to work.
It's a good thing because his leg had inflammation and I was able to help him with that.
It was definitely not my best massage ever. But it was the best I could do in that moment which has nothing to do with anything personal.
Massaging anyone after 9 pm isn't something I normally take on because it's a time period where my energy and strength for that type of work begins to fade.
I've been trying to explain that to him for years...but sometimes when you're a person in the corporate world using your mind all day, it can be difficult to grasp the enegy required for a different field of work.
He's not alone in not understanding. I've often tried to explain this. Some people get it, some people don't. I tend to gravitate and want to be around those who do.
I've had a few experiences where friends (who also work in the corporate world) would offer up my services on a gals weekend. When I decline, then comes the "that's mean, you could help this person and you are saying no?"
"Yes, I'm saying no." As a matter of fact, I'm saying no as a complete sentence. Maybe I will take the time to explain energy and maybe I won't. It depends. But I am most definitely saying no, declining if you will, to the guilt and shame consciousness that follows when a person is unable to handle the word no.
More than anything, I would much rather deal with people who know and honor themselves. People who will tell me no as a complete sentence are A-OK in my book.
People who say yes out of a sense of obligation or an inability to stop for a nino-second to realize they really don't want to or they are afraid to hurt my feelings so they aren't straight with me doesn't feel as good.
I say, if my feelings get hurt because you're honoring yourself. I've got some work to do on me.
I've got all kinds of fun flaws and unique challenges aka imperfections. Yet, my yes means yes and my no means no. As an apendage: should I discover some place through an experience that it's not a good fit for me, or I've changed my mind in either direction-I will communicate it as soon as I become aware. It happens and it's the next best thing. At least to me.
Tonight, in this scenario, I made the offer. I intended to follow through. I was a yes. I could have easily stopped when he left the room. I could have turned into a no for sure. I could have let us both off the hook. But at the expense of additional consequences where we are both left unfulfilled? Left with a sense of incompletion? Left with another memory of disconnect? No thanks.
Or the other more drawn out option where we are wasting our time having this lengthy, unfillfulling non solution oriented conversation. No thanks. Oh god, no thanks!!!
Instead...let's try this again please.
And now it's complete.