In my commitment to move the way love moves combined with my love affair with myself and giving myself permission to be truly single-letting desire lead me....I am having playful experience with men who are helping me heal the grid even though there is no intention to help me heal my grid, there is just energy moving-desire and a yes please. My grid lights up and something comes up. It's fantastic!!!!!!
I'm enjoying the island and the freedom I am experiencing in allowing my feminine nature to be what it is. That is allowed here. I'm very grateful for that.
Just as the Eagle brought to the surface -where my allergy to coldness in connection originates from....I've been gifted with an experience recently that helped me see something in my grid.
The long and short of it was, I absolutely was - only I didn't know I was.
Sometimes people try to contribute or hand deliver feedback without feeling into my true nature, without knowing much about me, without being present to me or without reverence for anything other than their own world view. Instinctively, I reject the contribution. I have always instinctively rejected contribution that has it's own agenda and lacks reverence. Yet, I've always been open to receive contributions that lacks an agenda and has reverence. Instinctively.
This man was coming from a very different place. He was coming from the place where magic exists. He was fully present, reading the energy, me, through the depth of his very powerful/confident eye contact (the entire time), had an intuitive knowing and a desire to create an intense bond with me. A bond that would have me transition from being a playful kitten, until I was in my ROAR full out. The passion that does actually exist inside of me. There is this place within me, in the grid...
That was so far from what I was doing, his feedback felt like I was being hit with something very strange. There really is nothing in me that would ever feel compelled to put on a show to please my lover. Are you kidding? I'm I'm not feeling pleasure, I will absolutely say so. I can't even begin to share how incapable I am of "faking it." Everything about my personality would indicate this.
I felt blindsided by this feedback. There was nothing I could do or say to help this man understand-I wasn't putting on a show, I wasn't acting, I wasn't trying to please him. In fact, there were moments I was so in it, I forgot he was even there. I was in the no mind zone. In our conversation he shared with me that he knows women fake it all the time so he never knows what's real and what isn't.
It was disheartening for me when I realized as i was truly in it, he was watching a performance with his leading mindset being suspicious about "women fake orgasm all the time." I felt sad for him at the time and I remember I never felt safe in his presence again. After that, he wasn't able to bring me there ever again.
I also felt bad for him because he brought me there and then got in his own way. There is this exquisite happy glow men have when they see and feel a woman being taken over the edge. There is nothing more beautiful than a mans face of joy and happiness when he's present to the moment, deeply aware and in awe. His face and energy... is similar to the excitement little children have on Christmas morning.
This poor guy-he missed the entire thing because he was way too busy in his monkey mind existing on the level of performance and fake orgasms and distrust.
It was surely better to be me in that moment than to be him.
But now I feel sad for me because when the opportunity arrived where I was with a merman who could play inside of the depth that is me....I am holding back. And I am doing so because some place in that experience with the man who lives with the concept of sex as a performance and women fake orgasm...in my disheartened state I decided I would only go into THE ROAR "oh so far." I didn't even know I had made this decision.