I don't have this thing where I am putting my love, passion or desire into an IRA for someday or that someone-some day. I'm not in any post experience pain. I am in love with myself, my life, my work, writing, Hawaii, my connections-all of it. Everything is sacred to me but I'm not looking for marriage, babies, forever, exclusive, tomorrow, next week or any of that. I'm feeling into the energy between me and another person, I want to be in it and see what's there and let it be what it is. My goal while on this earth is to transcend my illusions and discover the innate power of my spirit. Sex and spirit go hand and hand for me. 
I'm enjoying the island and the freedom I am experiencing in allowing my feminine nature to be what it is. That is allowed here. I'm very grateful for that.
Just as the Eagle brought to the surface -where my allergy to coldness in connection originates from....I've been gifted with an experience recently that helped me see something in my grid. 

In an intimate moment he said "You're holding out on me."
The long and short of it was, I absolutely was - only I didn't know I was.

Sometimes people try to contribute or hand deliver feedback without feeling into my true nature, without knowing much about me, without being present to me or without reverence for anything other than their own world view. Instinctively, I reject the contribution. I have always instinctively rejected contribution that has it's own agenda and lacks reverence. Yet, I've always been open to receive contributions that lacks an agenda and has reverence. Instinctively. 

This man was coming from a very different place. He was coming from the place where magic exists. He was fully present, reading the energy, me, through the depth of his very powerful/confident eye contact (the entire time), had an intuitive knowing and a desire to create an intense bond with me. A bond that would have me transition from being a playful kitten, until I was in my ROAR full out. The passion that does actually exist inside of me. There is this place within me, in the grid...

There was this time I had an experience with this man where I was free beyond free and fully self expressed within my experience. His feedback after was "What an amazing performance" and "You really know how to put on a show for your lover" 

That was so far from what I was doing, his feedback felt like I was being hit with something very strange. There really is nothing in me that would ever feel compelled to put on a show to please my lover. Are you kidding? I'm I'm not feeling pleasure, I will absolutely say so. I can't even begin to share how incapable I am of "faking it." Everything about my personality would indicate this. 

I felt blindsided by this feedback. There was nothing I could do or say to help this man understand-I wasn't putting on a show, I wasn't acting, I wasn't trying to please him. In fact, there were moments I was so in it, I forgot he was even there. I was in the no mind zone. In our conversation he shared with me that he knows women fake it all the time so he never knows what's real and what isn't. 
It was disheartening for me when I realized as i was truly in it, he was watching a performance with his leading mindset being suspicious about "women fake orgasm all the time." I felt sad for him at the time and I remember I never felt safe in his presence again. After that, he wasn't able to bring me there ever again. 

I also felt bad for him because he brought me there and then got in his own way. There is this exquisite happy glow men have when they see and feel a woman being taken over the edge. There is nothing more beautiful than a mans face of joy and happiness when he's present to the moment, deeply aware and in awe. His face and energy... is similar to the excitement little children have on Christmas morning.
This poor guy-he  missed the entire thing because he was way too busy in his monkey mind existing on the level of performance and fake orgasms and distrust.

It was surely better to be me in that moment than to be him. ​

But now I feel sad for me because when the opportunity arrived where I was with a merman who could play inside of the depth that is me....I am holding back. And I am doing so because some place in that experience with the man who lives with the concept of sex as a performance and women fake orgasm...in my disheartened state I decided I would only go into THE ROAR  "oh so far."  ​I didn't even know I had made this decision. 

The next day, after this current experience and making this connection I reflected more and felt gratitude move through me. What a gift. Oh man, I really loved that. 

Friday I was late for Hula class. A combination of being on a call with an inspired father/business man who wants to help fathers through their divorce process. There are no words I can express to share how long I have been wanting a father to be inspired to help other fathers of divorce create workable solutions that are expanded yet important solutions. So there was that call and there was also my inability to find the bike keys to get there. ​

​By the time I found the keys I was like the wicked witch of the west. (Insert wizard of oz music here) I don't like to miss one minute of class, however all of my life and everything in it has equal value to me. The conversation I was having with this father is important to me as it relates to my work and helping others. Hula is important to me for other no less important (to me) reasons. Faster and faster I went on the bike. As I turned the corner I almost crashed into another woman who was also going super fast on her bike too. We were equally surprised and both stopped for one another. 


What made me notice this moment as a random one I remember is how neither one of us was willing to use one moment of our time in getting angry or upset at the other. When I smiled and laughed, she smiled and laughed. When I apologized, she apologized and we both went on our individual ways. I really appreciated this moment. 


While I did have a melt down in Hula-that meltdown did not stem from a domino effect of this almost collision. I was free from that due to kindness of the other woman. I love that. And when I arrived in class my friend Jolly greeted me with a huge smile and said "your timing is perfect" as they were practicing a song our teacher often puts me in the front of the class for. I practice hula every single day. 
My every morning is very full. My transcendental meditation practice is of great importance to me. At this point I can't even image who I would be without it.

Stay tuned...

So this Eagle lands on the Island...He was reflective in his nature with his eagle eyes. 
DID YOU KNOW:

A young Eagle can not locate fish below the water as a result of a refraction error of the eye. As an Eagle ages...the refraction error naturally rectifies itself and these older Eagles are able to spot fish below the surface. 

You know...as we get older some of our vision errors naturally rectifies too and we are also able to spot what is below the surface...He had that expanded vision...



He was absolutely "Eagle Medicine" which includes: dignity with grace, intuitive and creative spirit, respect for the boundaries of the regions, grace achieved through knowledge and hard work. He had all of that going on. 
He treated me with a tremendous amount of dignity and grace as he was extremely respectful of my boundaries as well. 
Eagle medicine also includes: strength, courage, wisdom. 
He had that too. He used all of those medicines in our connection.

He observed me with great intensity (as if I was the fish he could see below the surface of the water and he was hungry.) 
At first he apologized a few times for his hunger. I had to let him off the hook and remind him apologizes for being hungry aren't necessary with me. 
He was full of hunger and full of aloha too.
He had that feel good before, during and after thing going on inside of him. His communication was beautiful pre-during and after each moment we shared. ​

He took the time after every encounter to speak into what he saw in me as a person. There wasn't a careless or a cold moment in my experiences with him. This connection existed in the two temperatures that work best for me. Mostly warm -hot -and again warm. 
To me: that is how it's done. That is how you connect with a person. And that is how you leave a person. You leave a person warm. You leave with a greater level of affinity. Not less just because something isn't forever or has an expiration date.

This is how I like my connection temperature gauges to exist.
Warm or Hot ONLY

Mahalo Eagle...for bestowing on me more freedom and more courage as I venture onward and upward

​Stay tuned

It's the depth of this and if your work is your passion... and you want to share your passion with me...why you do what you do and how meaningful it is to you...yes please! 

Actually this one is a little trickier for me but not on the older scale, on the younger scale. I've had a few experiences where men who were not that much older than my son have approached me in ways that has taught me a little something about these  supposed "cougar," years. Dear lord! 
It used to be very straight forward for me... even when I first arrived here. If I could have given birth to you, the answer is no. The end
But then...as my hormones shifted...I totally understood why Mrs Robinson did what she did. For real. 
While my mind still says no, my body has sung a different tone. The first time this happened it was actually painful to be me. As I like to move congruent within my mind/body connection and float freely. The McSteamy's of the world have been a little more interesting to me than the McDreamy's of the world-generally speaking. But age does matter to me as it relates to this one thing. I'm not really sure this is something that I'm all that interested in "evolving." 
For me, I DO want to know how old you are!!! And if you could have come out of my body...you are not getting back in. 
Above and beyond that though...Age doesn't matter to me as some of these older men are just so lovely....and I'm mid-life now anyway... but I absolutely want to see, taste, smell, feel the adventure of being alive. You bet I do

​

Actually I do want to know what planets are squaring your moon but only because I love the moon and it's fun for me. It isn't a deal breaker or anything like that...but it is fascinating to me...
And yes, there isn't anything hotter than a person who has already been through the dark night of their soul and they came out on the other side more alive, more vibrant, more true to themselves, more open, more loving and more ready to live. 

Oh yes. life. All of it....needs room to breath...to move through...this is pretty important because I won't be moving to fix it for someone. I'm not good at holding or taking responsibility or feeling like the problem is ME if and when the real problem lives in the past, in someone's childhood, in their conditioning. People who need me to play into that are often left feeling completely abandoned and unloved by me. As if I don't "care." Even though I care very much. If something doesn't exist in present time or between me and another person as in "something I did to you," I will move over so someone can handle their stuff and perhaps be there in other ways...but I won't be fixing someone. I don't have that power and I don't appreciate someone trying to fix me either. It's my repeated experience it's best to allow people the right to move through their pain their way. 

This one is THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE FOR ME PERSONALLY!!!!!

YES>....YES....YESSSSSS! 

This. Is. The. Glue
​

Yes. Can you see the beauty of an authentic moment such as....the minute someone comes clean from shame? In the moments that aren't picture perfect? Those non Norman Rockwell moments that are very much a part of humans existing? Expanded vision -yes. 

We fail, we succeed, we fail again...we succeed again...that's life....

I have a lot of friends who are very wealthy, others who aren't, others who are building their nest egg now and others who are struggling. It seems to be more about generosity of spirit, an ability to love and a desire to not let money get in the way or be what leads the connection. The happiest people seem to be the ones who are generous in spirit and live with gratitude. Some people have so much and it's never enough. 
I met a person when I first arrived who inherited 100 million dollars. That same week he was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor that is inoperable. No amount of money in the world can help him and he has all the money he needs to be able to help him. This is a man who never recovered from the love of his young life dying at an early age. For him, a love that deep doesn't come along more than once in a life time. For me, as a listener, I was thinking a love like that hasn't happened to me yet. And as far as being able to get up and feed the kids...mothers do that all the time. In sickness and in health. 

Okay so...There is this thing that happens when you allow yourself to move the way love moves, when you are free, wild and single and strong in giving yourself permission to allow energy to be what it is and see where it goes.... Intense energy can happen organically and unexpectedly. Some men aren't expecting this. I'm not exactly expecting this either but I'm oriented around ecstasy being like a wild bird that flies on your shoulder unexpectedly and if you try to force it, capture it or cage it...you won't see that bird for a while. But if you allow it to be what it is...it comes around more often. SO I'm all about letting things be what they are and allowing it to come when it comes and enjoying it while it's there.

In addition to this, the term wolves in sheep's clothing has a very different meaning to me. The wolves in sheep's clothing is the guy who comes into my world and is surprised by the intensity generated. Sometimes these things freak me out to but I'm not really afraid of it either. 
He shrinks back instead of staying in the fire with me, instead of allowing the bird to fly -he tightens up his Sheep's clothing even though he's really a wolf. 




Men who are afraid of the fire-will shrink back. That is fine with me. I'm perfectly happy be patient and wait for the bird or the Wolf whichever or both. Cause I create my own bliss daily. 
The "why" a wolf would make the choice to shrink back could be a thousand different reasons. None of them are my business and I have zero desire to pull anyone into the fire with me. Come willingly or don't and it's all okay by me. As I don't even know what exists deep in the Forrest or where the bird will fly to either. I haven't a clue but I'm living in an entire world of uncertainty anyway. I'm not afraid of the dark or the fire or the wolf or the bird. I do like dolphins though. Some men here in Hawaii are truly Dolphins. 
Dolphins represent harmony and balance. Dolphins are both highly intelligent and closely in tune with their instincts, striking a balance between the two states. Dolphins are also a symbol of protection and of resurrection. Their playful nature is a reminder that everyone needs to approach life with humor and joy. People who identify with the dolphin totem are usually peaceful and gentle, but with a deep inner strength.
These men generate a different type of heat but heat is generated because they have a deep inner strength. 
I can totally see myself ending up with a wolf or a dolphin as they are both leading with an inner strength. 


With me being me-it's probably a good idea to already be inwardly strong. 

Actually I do find it interesting....how, where, when and why someone studied anything they have studied but it isn't the be all or end all. But I do know what sustains me as everything has fallen away...a few times for me. So it would be nice to connect with others who know themselves and have the capacity to know what sustains them...to be naked in that way....

Umm. YES!!!!!!! Hello, IS. THIS. THING. ON??????


​

Stay Tuned...

Intentionally, I stopped. I didn't tell him any more because I wanted to see how he treated me if I left him with that one piece of information. He was visibly disturbed. I watched the pain on his face for a little bit before I gave just a little more information but I only gave a little more and that was intentional too. But it was just enough to remove the pain on his face. 
I left it there. Again. Intentionally. ​

​He doesn't know anything about me or who I am with children. He doesn't know that when I met a little three year old girl, she sat right on my lap and we played, connected, laughed and she left me that first time singing a song to her Dad called "I love Christina" song. 
He doesn't know how much presence I gave her for several months as I was getting to know her. He doesn't know that my work schedule was different than her corporate biological parents, therefore -it was me who she was with often -when she was sick. He doesn't know the level of unconditional love or the investment of time I put in to assure she felt loved, safe and cherished when she was in my presence.
He doesn't know how often I had to speak up-even to her biological family sometimes so that our connection was not violated, minimized or treated as if it didn't matter -so that she did feel safe, valued and cherished when she was with me.
How I needed to trust and respect her too and how I was deeply committed to her ability to remain honest and not do the typical child of divorce thing where she told one house one thing to get what she wanted from the other house. 


He does not know how much time, effort and wisdom that one thing required or how I was willing to do the work - repeatedly -so that she would remain honest and therefore, happy and healthy in her own skin as she grew and as her world began to expand beyond her houses.  


He does not know its a delicate art/dance -that only works when you have spent a lot of time to know the child deeply and your clear inside of yourself that it really is in her best interest (now and later) in life to be free from being able to manipulate the system. 


He doesn't know that my son didn't have that piece where the adults kept communication open between homes in a healthy way where the child knew there was no room to lie or manipulate. He didn't have that. 


My son will be the first person to tell you how he lied and manipulated the system for years and how he paid the price for doing so. 


​

It wasn't until many years later and the voice of my Dad before his father was willing to hear-my son's story that mom wasn't paying attention to him wasn't actually false. 


We were at a family party. My son and my new boyfriend were both in attendance. My focus was connecting with my son. He was at his fathers that week so this was one of those rare switch weekends for a family event situations.
My son and I were on the dance floor. Dancing is a huge part of my family culture.
We dance with a tremendous amount of joy.

My son and I were having an incredible time on the dance floor. Goofing off, laughing. He said "mom, I'm going to get some water I will be right back" 
Once he moved, my boyfriend came right on the dance floor and grabbed me. I said "no-my son will be right back he's only getting a glass of water" instead of listening to me, he grabbed me tighter. I was pretty annoyed and knew in that moment I would be dumping this guy. He was a fatherless man and these are the annoying moments that I experienced with fatherless men that very often led my decision to dump them. I just had zero tolerance for things of this nature. 

When I looked over at my son- I could see that this bothered him too. He wasn't a jealous kid when it came to me because my parenting never changed. I was the same married to his dad, divorced and married again. My mom/son boundaries were the same no matter what who when or where....so he was never angry or upset to have people around us when he was with me -but this was different because he and I were having a goofy fun moment together and he was just getting a glass of water. 

I tried to convince him to come back on the dance floor but he wouldn't and I couldn't dance with the boyfriend because his grabbing me tighter when I shared 'no" -was a huge turn off for me. 
This all happened in about 3 minutes time. I sat down with my son, we moved on and laughter resumed. 


My son went home that evening and told his father that I had paid no attention to him because of my boyfriend. His fathers response was to believe his son which meant- another opportunity for his dad to give him sympathy and give his Dad another reason to once again hate me. 

Since my sons father and my brother are friends..the rumors circulated through the family like wild fire (as they often did)

If it wasn't for my father - this story would have been just another false story to "add on," to the others. 

My Dad's voice can be trusted because if I had done as my son said -he would have actually pulled me aside at the party and told me what's what. He does not lie, bullshit or defend his daughter to get her out of any hot water she may put myself in. He expects me to be accountable where I am accountable and I appreciate that very much. I think I'd be a completely different person otherwise. 

He is deeply trustworthy in this way. He's empathetic not sympathetic which is a distinction rigorously honest people have and get. 


But it was also a little late in the game. My son was able to emotionally manipulate for years in this way. The stories were already embedded, circulated and there was this habit now.

So there was no ah ha moment for my sons father. There was no "maybe there are other stories I bashed your mom for that aren't actually true" nothing softened. There was no apology. There was never an apology to me from my son's father for anything. God forbid. 

While we could always see each other and all was well, fine, light and kosher in social settings...these stories were also happening. It was just the full reality back then. It all existed. 

Sometimes my son would come home to me crying. I handled these moments differently. Usually by calling his father and giving him the opportunity to clear or clean it up if he wanted to. And he always wanted to. He loved his son very much and my son loved his father very much. I wanted my son to be and feel free to be in his week and that included his freedom with his Dad. I wanted that for him. I wanted that for them both. 

However his father did not have the same reverence for me. Instead he just got angry on my sons behalf even if the stories were not true. That really sucked for me. Almost like hating me was an addition. Someone to blame. And While I did try to create something different-At some point I stopped trying because the truth was.....he got on my very last nerve with all of that nonsense of hating me.
He liked to keep stuff from me too. Something would happen at his house and he would intentionally not tell me. Not because I wouldn't be on it. Not because I was a fa la la -I don't want to deal with it kind of person. But because I was the exact opposite. 


Something happens-I am on it and I am on it in a full bodied way, in that moment.  Even more so if it was about my son. 

He didn't want to deal with me. 

People would say "we need to tell his mom" even his wife and he would say No. 
Often he didn't like how I handled things so he just hid things from me. Important things. Major things. 

Here's where it got really strange: 

After going completely out of his way to hide things from me-he would be so mad I wasn't there and that he had to handle something on his own. So mad. 
Okay then...

The thing is....

I did things like...when my son was in 1st grade and stole a candy bar from the store-I took him to a police station after school and had the police officers have a conversation with him. 


Or when he played with matches and burned up the bathroom towels and turned them over thinking I wouldn't notice (???? ) -as soon as I noticed I took him to the fire station right after school that day.  At this point, my son was on to me "Oh no, why are we at the fire station mom?" I asked the fireman if they had any images of burnt stuff. 


So you see -to be fair...the way I handled things wasn't exactly "normal." 
Still, you can't hide something intentionally and then be mad...that's just weird. But that's what was going on...a lot. 


Anyway...after all of the above -there wasn't anything I could do to change what happened in my sons world. What was done-was done.

but I could use those experiences and the wisdom gained toward an innocent loving little girl so she was able to be free from that kind of stuff. There came a point where I began to notice the same protective instinct in my son toward his little stepsister. Which says a lot about the truth of his heart. There are so many step-siblings that get angry when one has it better than they did. And sometimes they can take that out on the younger ones. For all I know he may have had some moments but ultimately he was always on her side, cheering her on and for her.



SO back to that moment...I could have told this father about how I took my stepdaughter aside and asked her to tell me all of things I do for her ever day, every week and every month that is me being nice to her. We pitched that up against the one time every few months that my nephew as around. We talked about how our house is her house too and how my nephew as also there as her cousin and as a guest of hers. In this conversation-we made many distinctions that offered her an expanded world view. After having this conversation, we went back into our lives and I did not change anything about how I treated anyone because I was already doing just fine.

And that's the thing. Sometimes, kids just need to be reminded of the full reality....

So this man...left with this other version of me...I'm going to keep it right there and see if our connection shifts..let it fall if it does...I want to see how this goes


​Stay tuned and remember....

​What you don't know...you don't know 

For me personally, all of my life transitions (which were all growth opportunities) -there seemed to be an element, trace or a time period of depression through the growth. As if life was showing me that depression is a part of the growth opportunity as it relates specifically to my own nature and my own development. As me...being me. Not necessarily something to say all humans on the planet are the same as me. How could that be true? But for myself. I'm cool with a little tweak of depression in the midst of a growth opportunity...

but what about this mid-life thingy.....

What fascinates me as it relates to this theory in a woman's mid-life crisis is that I have found myself these days having memories resurface from my 27 years of parenting (Bio and step) as there was the connection between me and the children (mostly my son) and then there was everyone else's opinion on me as his mother. These two points became two distinctly different realities that ended up landing on my son more than they would or could ever land on me. It is now, in this amazing time of my life-(feel free to call it a mid-life crisis if you want to but I am experiencing something very different.) it feels like just another transitional time period in my life where I get to return the fragmented pieces of my own truth which feels absolutely incredible. Do I feel depressed at times? Of course I do. I feel that one or two days a month. I like to be alone when I feel this way sometimes because people often try to help me feel better when I like lean into it cause that's how I get out of it and through it  so quickly. And for me, on the other side is such beautiful peace and bliss it is unreal. 
I don't know what is true for anyone else. I only know what's true for me. 
And it seems it isn't always easy to understand when our interference is simply that, interference vs the help and advocacy we sometimes think it is. 

Although the classic symptoms for mid-life crisis seems to be different in men and women from a general perspective and what is (always to me)-a collection of subjective data points vs the full reality of everyone on the planet....I'm experiencing men as not all that different in mid-life (and beyond) than women and I wonder if this subjective finding below is why I am experiencing men as reflective of their relationships as us women: 

"Men may get more in touch with their feminine side," Jones says. That could mean taking up cooking or art or volunteering with children.

In this last year, I have experienced more men being authentic in sharing  stories about their ego-centric younger selves with a level of authenticity that often brings a smile or laughter out of me or a soft tease of how wrong that was.....I enjoy authentic people who share their truth without worrying about being judged. I'm happy to be the space for that cause I really am not shy about my own mistakes. It's nice to be around humans who understand...in life, we are always learning, growing and changing. 

I'm going to give myself the week to create what I want this year to be about. As, I feel like maybe I want to just continue living as I already am... We shall see...
So far, Mid-life is pretty darn good 


Stay tuned

My birthday weekend officially kicked off a day early. Turns out Elizabeth has to work for camping weekend and it may actually rain. So we've been organizing plan B, Plan C and possible Plan D. 
Today plan B was executed by Lady Elizabeth. ​

​These two beauties were an absolute pleasure to be around. As we were flowing, enjoying and experiencing each other...I began to experience them as if I was hanging out with my now adult daughters. They were so sweet in saying "no, we are all sisters." Which is also very true however, I wasn't experiencing them in a superficial way where I was comparing their age to my age. For me, it was much more beautiful than that. I've only ever given birth to boys. I've had three stepdaughters. And I've had the opportunity to be with one of them for 10 years. I really loved the moments where it was me and my son and stepdaughter. There was so much love, fun and joy circulating between us. We laughed a lot. In fact, I loved being around them both. I loved experiencing the way my son felt protective of his little stepsister and how much she looked up to him. It was really sweet. On our last family trip to Mexico, my stepdaughter had a softball injury. They traveled alone together to come meet us all in Mexico and my son took such excellent care of her. Their connection was one of my favorite things to be around. I don't have that in my life anymore. 


I think last night I wanted to feel that again and that's what I meant by these two women as my daughters. That's what I wanted to experience and they were so perfect in their beauty, playfulness and joy. I enjoyed them so much. 
We found the perfect spot on the beach with the bright moon above us. I didn't have my phone but I wish I did to capture them in the water with the flowers in their hair and the joy on their faces as they played in the water. I was perfectly content sitting in the sand listening to music. I felt something was coming up for me and I wanted to be semi alone to experience it. 
Just then...Adele's song "Send my love" began. 

The night was perfect and ran into the early hours of the morning. I woke up feeling free, no congestion, and it felt good to spend the day in nothingness. Thoughts about the funny moments the evening before cracked me up all day. Elizabeth's sense of humor is just so fantastic. She's just lovely to be near. Nicole is also a bright sweet woman whom I just getting to know. I enjoyed them so much. 

When it was time for Hula, I was in slow motion and therefore late, however, today's class was really great. I felt like I was starting to get it. Some of the women are telling me that I'm ready to do a solo! This makes me a little nervous....I better keep practicing....


​Stay tuned

​

​Having been trained in both, experienced both and being led by being my own guru-I can't help but come to the conclusion that both practices compliment each other. There is nothing about either practice  where one or the other would or could take away from the other. 


I think about this because these practices are built and remain strong in their individuality as it relates to both being their own business entities. Reminding me of Landmark Education and Scientology in terms of both having the power to improve and enrich a human beings existence. 
I love my congruency in who I am and what I believe. As I believe in co-existence and expansion. This can be found throughout my life at every angle. 


As it relates to these two meditative practices-they complement each other in ways that align with both concepts (co-existence and expansion) 


My transcendental Meditation practice is every day, twice a day. From my very first TM, my experience is bliss in the form of feeling the truth of my sensuality. At first I thought that was just a product of the lack of sensuality in my marriage. And if I go into all of the areas where my sensuality has been held hostage (by me or the world) I could easily come to the conclusion that my TM being sensual has to do with what has been missing or stuck at various points on my journey. However it's over a year later of me being deeply committed to both my TM and my own sensuality that I'm very clear now-life for me, all of it: IS sensual. 
In my very first TM, I came out of it nervous and making myself wrong. I asked my TM teacher if it was "normal" to feel sensual and sexual sensations moving through me. "Am I doing this TM thing wrong?" 
She assured me-my experience was perfect. This uncertainty and concern of mine was residue from my marriage and years as a single mom where my desire to be a whole person was viewed as "wrong." I was told in many ways, shapes and forms (and often from other mothers who were not as happy as I was) that it was my job to suffer and sacrifice my wholeness to be a mom. That never felt right to me personally yet I found myself trying at times to be "normal," 
especially around desire, sensuality and my sexuality. That never goes very well for me, or anyone else for that matter. 

One meditation friend/teacher told me she used to do TM but that wasn't good enough or enlightening enough or something - for her it is just one of a collection of medications she's trained in. It isn't the same for me. For me, TM is perfectly perfect so I will stay with it. I'm certainly open to go to any other meditation Center to try something -but ultimately I have found something that works for me day in and day out and is so simple - I am staying with it and feel no sense of there being something better out there that will get me to enlightenment faster.

That is very different to me though than the experience I am having as it relates to complimentary meditations.

​I often wonder If Maharishi hadn't had a period of time where his guru status conflicted with the corporations reputation-if there would be a more open mindset to human sexuality. The more I read about guru's and their paths, the more I am seeing there is a moment where they are held accountable and responsible for the transference of followers who may see them as God instead of as a messenger. This is usually in the form of their mortal  sexuality. You know-their humanism. I can almost see a scandal followed by a meeting with the CEO and the PR person in addition to a committee and or other followers all bringing their displeasure to the table and then all of a sudden-sex becomes something the Guru is no longer allowed to be interested in and it's framed under being an enlightened being. Or something. 
I've actually experienced a "mini," version of this in a more open community but the leader/facilitator/guru did not stop being himself. His attention toward me upset a few humans.  Instead of taking the upset on as belonging to him-what he did was own his right to be who he is and make choices that aligned with his own being and he also handled the upset people like a ninja. Either giving them what they wanted/needed or he spent time artfully bringing others back to their own growth and development. 
My experience of this moment in time was complete discomfort when people got upset or mad that I was getting or giving attention. It felt yucky to me to be me. But I have experienced that sensation a lot in my life. So it seemed like a great opportunity for me to be in my own body and see what I do and who I am. 

I remember learning that a long time ago over a pair of black leather pants. 

As a single free woman going on vacation with married women- I was essentially seen as a danger. As if me and my leather pants were going to somehow morph the most loyal married woman into the lions den of sin with me. And this woman is one of the most loyal wives I've ever known. 
Being single, free and wild was not something another woman was going to catch from me like a disease. But somehow me and my leather pants became the focal point of their marriage. 
First thoughts/feelings for me was once again me feeling bad as if I did something wrong, as if I was a bad woman.  Second thoughts-please stop using me in this way. Your marriage has zero to do with me" 
It was very simple actually...we all enjoyed things the same way as women. By 9 pm, as the married ladies went to bed, me and my leather pants went out for a bit. I was also home by 11 or midnight. I slept hard and I slept alone every night. I woke up at 5, went to the gym, walked around, ate breakfast and essentially waited until the married women decided to get out of bed. By the time we all went to brunch about 10 am or later, I had already eaten my first meal at 6:30 am and already had a lot accomplished on my own before they even opened their eyes. Any single moment I may have had wasn't exactly hidden or a secret, it was just that in the waking hours where we were all together the point was for us to be all together. Me having a little fun for a few hours each night didn't hurt anyone or anyone's marriage. 
I may have been single, wild and free but that doesn't mean I didn't have the capacity to honor the women I love, or their marriages. But I have learned, men do fear that and that's sad to me. Married women and single women remaining connected, again-can compliment one another. 

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It would have gone a lot better if I had been "normal," and opted to suffer after my divorce and the death of Donovan. Had I decided to be miserable single and remain just sad enough...and lived in order with the laws of society (vs my own nature) I'd have been the first woman any husband would have wanted his wife to be with. But single mothers who wear leather pants are oh-so-dangerous. 

Even OM (Orgasmic Meditation) The name of the company is "OneTaste," 
Just as the great ocean has one taste, the taste of salt, so also this teaching and discipline has one taste, the taste of liberation."

This is very clever. Oddly, I don't actually hear this is the only way to liberation. What I take away from these words is that this company has one taste/point/purpose and that is liberation...

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Just my random share on Soul Sunday

I love my life. I love TM so very much. I am grateful for that. 
I love OM very much. I am grateful for that. 
That is all

​Stay Tuned

I ask myself how and why I attract certain people, places and things into my vortex because there are people, places and things that blindside me with their assumptions. I have this very unrealistic expectation that people my age are somehow....I don't know... Perhaps less interested in manufacturing nonsensical conclusions that aren't even true. I don't know why I have this unrealistic mindset because having it is how I become completely blindsided by what is for me: WILDLY WEIRD...>Twilight Zone-ish. 

I do have Tinder Downloaded on my phone. More than anything I've connected with super cool people who I have a very high regard for and appreciate the connection, no matter what happens. I flow... It's cool. I don't pay a whole lot of attention to it though. Sometimes it takes me weeks just to respond, which goes against the purpose of Tinder but I have so many apps on my phone now, my phone is on silent 99% of the time and my tinder App, I have to swipe four times to get to it. Which kind of says a lot about where Tinder stands on my priority list (low low low) and I would delete it but for the most part, I meet very cool people...

Yet, every once in a while a person comes in- to show me exactly where I am right now in my development. In addition to, teaching me and reminding me how careless human beings are with each other's psyche if that person isn't "The One." In the realm of the consciousness movement, many supposed "conscious" people lack being conscientious. There is a very distinct difference between those two things. 

Conscious just means awareness. That's really just one piece of the pie. 

Being conscientious means something completely different. It's having the desire to do what's right. Being conscientious requires a level of maturity, honor and a "do no harm" consciousness that not everyone has. 

Being conscientious becomes very convoluted and polluted for those who are self-protective, self-absorbed and self-centric which is a very different vibration than those who are truly having a love affair with thyself.

​It can be very subtle or it can be like a swift heavy mud pie being thrown at you and you're like "WHAAAAAAAT??????!!!!!!????????

 

Currently trending is this sweet video where this little girl is informing her mother that she will no longer eat Animals because she likes animals.

It's really just adorable. Her natural loving empathy where she likes animals and doesn't want to hurt animals by cooking and eating them-adults in the dating world could learn a lot from this little girl. I'm not talking about animals, I'm talking about making the connection within on how we treat each other and how sloppy and careless humans are. 

Mud Slingers are the worst for me personally. All I can say is...If someone leaves me feeling like they have slimmed me somehow-I am going to do what it takes to get clean inside of my own psyche. 
You (you being anyone) may not come into my world, slim me with your fragile wounded ego or your arrogance or your ignorance, leave it there and then delete and block me from being able to get clean. 
It's always best to get clean with me one on one because in that space: I'm a very generous person who does actually take accountability for her part. But there's a line there for me...and the line is this: 

Taking accountability for me lives in my own personal integrity system. It does not live inside of someone else's filter of what it means. 
As an example: 
Yesterday, this man and I moved our Tinder connection to texts. Before I knew it - I was seeing words like "we could argue about this" and I thought "huh? ? Who is arguing?"
I scrolled back up through the text to be sure-there was nothing I said that was argumentative. There wasn't. Not for me. This non existent argumentativeness matched the sensations I was having in my body -the entire time. I felt no tension, zero stress and absolutely nothing that would indicate I was in an argument with this person whom I have never even met. I would not have allowed the conversation to go to text if I wasn't planning on meeting this mean for coffee or something. I don't play games with people. That's not my nature. 
Then it got really twisty for me when he said something about how I was somehow...doing something to him and then there was something else said followed up with how "peri menopause must be tough" ending it as if I did something really wrong and I ruined it and I was the person who did this or that to him. 

This kind of crazy making person... I don't have those types of people in my life anymore. 
My final response was "Whoa, I've got nothing." 
I felt both slimmed and grateful for the swift shift. Text can be easily misinterpreted...to not leave room for that possibility is kind of a red flag for me personally. To me, it's the mark of a man who takes himself way too seriously.  And any person who puts a zinger out there, then delete's you from being able to contact them at all...removing the opportunity to get clean before moving on...the level of self-absorption in those childish moves says a lot about a person's true character. In my opinion. 

That said, I will get clean any way I can and if that means posting on my blog...I have no problem doing just that. 
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I woke up this morning and I did not feel clean. I see no reason to pretend otherwise. I meditated and I did not feel clean. Mostly for me, not being able to have the space to say my truth vs his manufactured version of my truth...

I couldn't send him this, this am when I woke up because he disappeared from everything...deleted me. 
This is what I would have said: 

"I'm sorry for not being present to our text exchange and I apologize for not even letting you know the distance between your text and my responses had to do with all that I had in front of me. That wasn't good form.
I could have just said, I can't focus fully on this conversation right now and perhaps the flow would have been different. 

You take care and I hope you find the person you are looking for.


That....to me....is CLEAN. 

The whole peri-menopause comment...I had to laugh. He's right though, it is tough to be dealing with peri-menopause. That's why we have no desire and no interest for men who make comments like that. It's tough enough without having some guy come in and act like a complete pompous ass. No woman needs that. Besides, there are all of these juicy amazing men who understand how to stay in the juice. They don't dump their wounds on women, They aren't afraid of our hormones, and they don't cut a woman off and out of their life as if that's even remotely necessary. It is those men, the one's that are smarter than that....they get the best of us...As they should

​Stay tuned