That's the most simplistic explanation I can think of to articulate what I'm up to and what I've got going on in my inner world at this time....I'm taking a holistic approach to processing the significant loss I experienced almost 6 weeks ago, trying to process through integration and minimize the costs on my own body, mind and spirit.
I've been sleeping solid 7-9 hours a night and also naps. That's a lot of sleep for me. And when that sneaky little hormonal shift went down, I just mixed up some "Calm" (Magnesium drink) to stay on a sleep schedule as much as I can.
In addition to the above......
I was able to get some amazing ginger, Big Island grown. That's my favorite ginger so far. There is a unique quality to it that I can't explain. It's strong and makes for good Ginger tea. By ginger tea, I mean cutting a few fresh pieces of ginger right into the boiling water as it boils. It soothes me a lot when I drink it. It smells good to me as well.
There is also this magical Rosemary in Makiki. (Makiki is a neighborhood, north east of Downtown Honolulu) I can't explain that one either, it's just unique to my senses and I've grown my own rosemary in my previous gardening life... It's just so unique. I ended up making this Rosemary infused oil by slow cooking the rosemary leaves in coconut oil and now I have this amazing oil that I can't stop using! I began with just putting it on my face, but when I felt, saw and smelled myself...next thing you know, I've got it all over my arms and chest and my skin seems to be absorbing this nourishment with such skin happiness that I find myself using this stuff every single day.
Needless to say, my little studio smells so amazing, I barely want to leave home!
Thoughts and Emotions:
"Learn How to Move Through Them without getting Stuck...
As far as female physiology goes, the theory is: whatever we didn't deal with, own or process all month long is prone to be experienced, felt or come up when hormones shift and I would imagine when it comes to the loss of someone very significant goes....I'm probably right on time sensation/feeling-not fully processed wise. This helps me in terms of understanding how important self care is, how important meditation, walks and all the other stuff is...
I don't know where I would be without that stuff....
This weekend I felt good and I felt raw, tender and the littlest thing could send me into tears and/or my patience is somewhat limited. Mostly, this past weekend, my brain felt foggy.
I felt really Good Friday am, until something triggered me and then I felt a little knocked out.
I feel good, and then something knocks me out....
I'm like okay. This is where I am right now and.....
This should be interesting.
I arrive at class on Friday to minor (and I do mean minor) last minute changes and the anxiety that brought me, literally made me sweat.
One of the women in her empathy and compassion began to ask me questions about my Dad and my response was "I don't want to talk about it"
Not because I don't want to deal but because I felt so weak and tender and it felt like if I did talk about it I wouldn't be able to focus on class.
What happened from Friday's class to Saturday nights performance was my mind lost choreography that I know very well. I couldn't get through two of the longer songs without forgetting what's next.
I had to let go and just decided: if I get it- I get it and if I don't.-I don't.
Yet, an hour before we were scheduled to perform, I was corrected. It was this very minor thing. As in seriously minor, however, I felt anxiety because I felt there was no way I would be able to correct it in an hour. I began to sweat again LOL
I'm like....Jessssss O man with this anxiety/sweating thing! WTH!!!!!!
I could feel myself shaking. As I was moving and watched my own hands, they were not all that graceful....
Shake Shake Shake SenoraAnd when she dances, oh brother!
She's a hurricane in all kinds of weather....
What also helped was that Momi introduced me as the "newest student" and afterwords gave me generous acknowledgement (she had the mic!) letting the audience know...that was literally my first experience and for some reason, that type of awareness always makes me feel better. I think because it's a match to reality haha
With each song...I just felt more and more comfortable. And I enjoyed watching all the songs that I wasn't dancing in. In addition to that, I got to experience all that goes into a hula performance. Once again "It takes a village"
Favorite Personal Moment
"I had tears in my eyes, Your father would have been charmed by you"
As that lei above was placed over my head. I really loved that moment, so grateful. It felt so perfect to me.
Yes. He would have been charmed for sure. My happiness....was a thing for him. And because my friend understands that, me and has been listening to my connection with my Dad for over 8 months now, the natural response, awareness...is a complete match.
To be seen, known, heard, felt....accepted, as is.... HEALING
I received a lot of very generous feedback that really made me feel good about it and the feedback will also help me want to learn more and continue on.
And because I danced for my mother with my fathers picture...when she asked how it went and I shared all things with her..her response
"I knew it! I told you! Your face glows when you do that dance, so happy, sending out love...." She's sweet.
And that's one of the things I love the most about hula.... It's an expression, a freedom to send love from the INSIDE- OUT and the more I do that...the better off I am.....
By the end of the performance, I really felt it is possible, if I keep at this...I will one day be able to do a solo, anywhere, for anyone, at any time...and it will be smooth, like warm butter pouring on others in such a way that my Dance moves people to feel the Aloha!!!
There is something about that......that inspires me so much!!!!
There is a saying "You are not doing or learning hula right unless or until your entire body hurts" Mmmmhmmmm
And that isn't a complaint....
A part of me has been focused on this performance, now that-that was over, Sunday....I gifted myself with Pajamas All Day! Because all of the above...exhaustion...the struggle was REAL!!! Self care felt like the most important thing. Rest without sleeping, taking it easy.
Throughout the weekend......
I was thinking about Katy Perry's Documentary "Part of ME"
The reason being, there is a scene where she is deeply saddened by the transition from marriage to divorce and as that is happening...she has to get on stage. When I saw that documentary that scene stuck out for me in my brain at the time because I felt it was a very powerful thing for young girls and women to witness. Just so wonderful....
This also touches on Content vs Form in the realm of essence and co-existence.
Part of Me
Sometimes, I experience a story that has been weaved together in a way that leaves me in awe, that wows me, that resonates in such a way, it's like my brain and my heart is saying "This has value, listen" and it's organic, it isn't forced....what moves me...just happens.... A PART OF ME
Circle of Life
And, blinking, step into the sun
There's more to see than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done
There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round
It's the circle of life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the circle
The circle of life