It's been 13 years since the day my Dad called me with these bone chilling words....
"Your brother fell, he is being choppered over to the University of Pennsylvania now, he may not make it, I suggest you get there as soon as you can"
(My dad. The ultimate straight shooter, that's just who he has always been...)
I go-see my brother...
He sees me, smiles wide, he's Mr Happy-Go-Lucky
"Hey T, so great to see you!! thank you so much for coming."
(The morphine was working)
He's laying there...body all contorted mangled in ways I have never actually seen before-with a huge hole in his forehead-blood everywhere and and he's thrilled to see me. Omg.
It was one of those oddly endearing laughter through tears moments.
A tree surgeon who had the day off but wanted a little extra holiday cash to buy his son some more presents... slips and falls 60 feet down...landing on his feet. Upon impact his leg bones literally went through the bottom of his feet -smashing several bones into dust..then he fell forward smashing his head.
We always knew that "eventually" he will need to get his foot amputated.
13 years later and the process is beginning. But first he needs surgery on his other foot to strengthen it before he can get this done.
But here is the point of this share...
My brother is a remarkable human.
Through his grueling recovery, he went back to school, got his business degree, opened a business and then another one. Lives every day to the fullest, is in service to many people, is personality PLUS, works non-stop and he is all about his family.
These words below are my brothers words:
Each evening I go outside. I look up at the sky, drop my head and I pray. I pray to God to “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” Today, I hold my wife and sons close to my heart and I pray to God for their safety. And I pray that maybe one day I will be reunited with my daughter.
When I became honest with myself, everything from my past and everything I will have to deal with. I still have to contend with a future of more knees surgeries, the possible amputation of my foot, and the potential to be in a wheel chair for the rest of my life, I can face it. I will deal with it. No running away. No matter what happens now, I know I’ll be okay because I’m happy with who I am."
Oh, remember when I returned to PA in September for one of my Brothers weddings? This is THAT BROTHER!!!!
BEST WEDDING EVER BY THE WAY!!!!!!!
Much love from me to him and his family...
My stay in Florida was all about Women. I essentially lived a life exclusively with so many powerful amazing women! For months. I was completely satisfied with a break from the masculine and enjoyed these women (and their husbands) so much. It's not that I have any issues or problems relating to men. It was just me filling myself up with my own gender because that's what I wanted to do. My female connections are important to me. Now though, Hawaii seems to be all about being immersed into the divine masculine.....I'm attracting a lot of men into my life these days. I'm enjoying that so much. It's like, in this part of the life pie, my life seems to be Under the Tuscan Sun meets How Stella Got Her Groove Back meets Eat, Love, Pray meets friends meets Sex and the City. IT'S FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've been living in Honolulu for almost 3 months now. I'm continuing my Love Affair with Thy Self Journey with the same intensity I began it. It's a part of me now, running on it's own. Creation to Integration, the process (my process) of creating something until it runs through my veins.
I've created a context within myself where there really is no one I would rather be, than me. Therefore, I decide who I allow to penetrate me-energetically or otherwise. It has to feel good to me, body/mind/spirit and it has to feel good before, during and after. I don't have this big list of on-going requirements other than my own guidance system. My guidance system belongs to me. I decide, I create, I re-create, I attract and I pull in the exact situations and experiences that I either want to experience or I need to learn. That's all there ever is with me.
So let me start with the man-friends that I absolutely adore! These guys are all younger than I am and we seem to have an organic flow..these are my "Friends," meets "Sex and the City" and I've somehow managed to embody, Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte & a little Maranda too.
Andrew, me and Remy. I can't help but smile when I look at this picture because our friendships are so fun, so real.... Andrew is the center hub. Everyone meets at his place. He's got an open door policy for his friends. He's a really good guy and he has that east coast humor that I am at ease with. Andrew is a very responsible person. We call him Dad or father because he's very parental, which is so funny. Reminding me of my younger brother in that way. He's a humanitarian. His fulfillment is derived from helping others. He's an amazing human
Remy I just want to kiss him when I look at this picture because he just melts me. He's so fun, I laugh almost every second in his presence. He is a one man comedy show. Our friendship is warm, fuzzy, easy and real. He's a bright loving light and solid human being.
I feel blessed to have these guys in my life. Grateful. Feels like I'm back at the barber shop when I'm with them. It's really super easy for me with men, being around them, honoring who they are. And I believe that has everything to do with all the years working at Chip's Barber Shop
And now..Drum roll please.....THE MEN.....
Here in Honolulu, a gal could have a date every night of the week if she wanted to. Just walk down the street...It's that simple
DISCLAIMER: This is not who these men are, this is just my experience and what they taught me....My intention is light hearted toward them and loving to me. I am going to label them, for the purpose of their privacy, and for fun. This does not mean I do not respect every one of them because I totally do. I'm too old to sit around worried about people judging me and I'm too young to not enjoy my entire life the way I want to...This is just me being me....
The Sex Educator-Oh, this one. He is so fantastic, so open, so juicy. He was the first experience I had post-marriage. What he did for me was solidify my way of being fearless in communication is perfectly perfect. His theory is "If you can be fearless in talking about sex, you can be fearless in talking about anything." BOOM-total resonance, confirmation and solidification. I find this to be so true, at least in my life. Whereas, we seem to live in a culture that fears sex and our own bodies. It's weird. We are all sexual creatures yet "shhh," let's pretend we aren't! Okay, you guys feel free to pretend..I'm going to go with being a whole human being. Thank you so much to this communication Ninja.
Mr Highest Purpose-his highest purpose is to be one with his queen. He sees himself as a king, and he's open to growth. I really like Mr Highest Purpose, even though he's not my king and I'm not his queen, the experience taught me a lot about my own power, wisdom and truth. So good. Thank you so much Obi-Wan Kenobi
Mr Secretly Aggressive-this one was no joke in the charm & Philosophy department. A Harvard Graduate who oozed soulfulness. Deep resonation in a way that really had me enjoying our conversations. He was intellectual stimulation x 600. Yet I really am an energy ninja and I bring out truth real quick. That's just how it goes with me. There was a moment where it was like a light switch went off. You know, his mask slipped off..just long enough for me to be a DEAR GOD NO! The minute he tried to aggressively coach me through his breakdown-I'm out. I just can't deal with men who try to throw their mud at me. DODGE, DUCK, RUN!!!!!!
Tell me how you feel, what your experience is, come from that place. This allows me to know the impact on you. But whatever you do, do not try to coach me on something that lives in you.
Mr Nice Guy-He was so kind and slightly miserable. He wanted to share and connect through his unhappiness. I couldn't do it. I couldn't hold a container or be a soft place to land. I felt I just got out of a marriage where there was just too much time and energy spent on "problems," vs solutions. In my hearing, what I heard was a super sweet and tender man who could transform his life if he just mastered his own internal dialogue. I found myself cheering him up instead of it being a connection that felt additive to my happiness. I thank him for the kindness and his gentle nature. I'm just not looking to pull anyone up to fly with me...I'd prefer to be in flight together and see how high we can fly
Mr Conscious-Pretty heady experience this one. He is all about healthy and I am all about fearless. That ended up being the disconnect. I can feel truth as it's happening and while I realize that's not true for everyone, and I therefore give time for processing, I don't and can't pull teeth. I find pulling someone's teeth to get them to share truth in a relationship to be so exhausting. I learned through this experience a complete validation and solidification of how I need things to be fearless because I am fearless. And if you don't see me the way I see me, I don't want to play with you..Because if you can't match me in my love affair with myself-there is a disconnect. It has to feel good body, mind and spirit. Or, there is no point. That said, I'm not saying every moment needs to be all rainbows and sunshine (Which actually does exist here in Hawaii) What I'm saying is, I have been working on myself for over 20 years. I do my inner work daily. I've had so many dark nights of the soul. What this man taught me was just how deeply I DO LOVE ME. Because he exists in the conscious realm, is a non-violent man, an intellect, one of the funniest men I have ever met, a soulful human. There is nothing wrong with him or me...There is just a no, this isn't the whole pie.
Mr Surf Instructor-Oh, oh oh, this was too fun and he is too funny. The man should have his own reality show and I couldn't help but want to be his PR person in business because he is just so entertaining. Total Neanderthal. There is something about these born and raised island men... They either make me laugh because they are so FULL of themselves (in a harmless-endearing way) or they are so full of Aloha, it's easy to be near them. What he taught me was that GOSH< I do love to laugh....
And I really like people who don't pretend to be something they aren't. His realness -no filter, I enjoyed him, very much.
The Aloha Dad- Dads of young children are a deal breaker for me at this time in my life. I'm in a place in my development as a woman where I'm really only interested in the fullness/connection of heat, passion, depth that could take me places I've yet to enter into. What I am looking for -isn't possible with a man who has small children because his energy needs to be where it belongs. However, this Aloha Dad hugged me in a way where I could feel the the depth of his kind-hearted nature. He's nurturing, easy spirited, lovely and his children are his world. He is Mr Mom.
There was this moment where he essentially told me he could feel that I would make the most loving mother. (something about a gravitational pull to my uterus) which was part joking
UT OH>...PLEASE STEP AWAY...THAT DOORWAY IS NO LONGER AVAILABLE> THANK YOU SO MUCH!
He will make some woman.. who wants what he wants a loving home full of small children and Aloha. He is beautiful. Yet, as for me: I will receive his teddy bear hugs and the gentle gifts he bestows upon me until/unless I feel that moment where I have the power to hurt this man. There is nothing in me that has any interest in hurting anyone. I don't like to hurt people, but at the same time, it's not my place to worry about what happens for him until/unless I can sense it.
Then there is my Tinder buddy :)
Tinder seems to be the land of the instant gratification. I could write an entire blog on that instant dating site. Just another way a gal could have a date every night of the week if she really wanted to. My Tinder buddy is no exception to that, he's on the move...the ultimate hunter. It just happens to be, we developed a friendship that allows freedom to flow. He gets a kick out of my brutal honesty and I get a kick out of his adventures. He travels all over the world, he's a serious athlete and a serious player in life. He has gorgeous women waiting to play with him all over the world. He is all about pleasing women. It's his way to create world peace. (HA! I think he could do it too.) I enjoy him because he's real, wise, worldly and he sends me all kinds of magic Global images, I like seeing what's going on across the globe. I like the Panda Bear who just had a baby or some place in China, or the random and remote location he ends up in after his 100 mile bike ride. He's fascinating, interesting and intellectually stimulating. And he's my friend.
And that brings me to:
Oh for heavens sake! He flew into Hawaii for a business trip and he has done some sort of Wolf Alchemy on me. This was and continues to surprise me and I am not easily surprised.
I'm just minding my own business, doing my thing, enjoying my existence so fully...in each moment...and this one enters into my vortex. A powerful connection for me.
The intention of this connection was only supposed to be a 15 minute meditation practice. I was so crystal clear about that.
I'm a very busy woman (who isn't) in the middle of all kinds of business creations, growth and my love affair with myself journey has taken a life of it's own.
As much as I am enjoying my time here on the island and these men, the bulk of my time is actually spent sitting at my desk. My work is my priority at this time. And his visit just so happened to be scheduled when I had something on the agenda that was both new for me and important to me.
It wasn't this BOOM-there it is thing. There were no angels singing or fireworks going off in my head. (Well, at least not at first)
At first, meeting the wolf was a coming home for me. He felt like home the moment I met him. I melted into him. I just followed the path that my desire wanted to follow. Because I know I can trust my desire, therefore; I'm not afraid of it.
That 15 minute practice intention organically grew into something effortless. In fact, at some point, I forgot all about the added 15 minute meditation practice. Joyfulness vibrated in me, and through me every second. I just wanted to be near him.
He is out there (in life), similar to my Tinder friend, this wolf owns himself. He's on and in his journey, the path of the wolf. (I dig that and him)
I can only imagine we looked like starry eyed honeymooners as we played in Waikiki. The connection was just so beautiful, juicy with public displays of affection. Dreamy, Magical, Steamy, Yummy, Delicious, Blissful.
I can't help but think, he brings that energy and level of attention to every place he arrives in and yet I also believe the quality between us was also special. Some things just co-exist and don't need to be either or.
He embodies the type of man who I could....run wild with. I felt that way upon meeting him. He's gone, back into his wolf journey. He left me deeply fulfilled, open yet longing to experience him again. He is exquisite. And he is no longer here. Yet, I feel him more now. When I tried to resist it, it just got stronger. When I allowed it, it just got stronger...there is no hope for me with this one ( She says both jokingly and seriously) I feel like I've fallen and I can't get up! :)
I've had to expand my LOVE container with this one...that says a lot since my love container is rather enormous...
I've decided not to "self-protect," or do anything other than to be true to what is happening for me. This is what I mean by "he's done some sort of "Wolf Alchemy" on me...
We shall see... as the WOLF says "Life is full of Surprises"
And that is the most updated version of my life here in Hawaii as it relates to the men in my life at this time.
I love my Hula Class!!!!
Each song is a beautiful story based on LOVE... It could be Romantic LOVE, making a home with LOVE, building a garden with LOVE, but ultimately, every song is some sort of magical energy and every movement is telling the story. Now I know why the dancers are always smiling. You can't help but smile! I'm experiencing that myself. I can feel my happiness shooting up my body and I can feel I am smiling like a silly fool. Every time I learn the movements or something new, I get more and more happy. It's just so feminine and so beautiful. I'm IN LOVE with these classes. Sometimes I get a little ADD when I watch my teacher because she floats effortlessly, embodying the essence and I want to look and feel like that too!
I LOVE HAWAII...
“Experience life in all possible ways --