The other day I had a few conversations that went something like this
"You're a good person and that's what good people do. They hold each other hostage and call it love. Bad people like me....well...we don't do so well in hostage situations.
It's one thing to be in the ebb and flow of life and living with ups and downs and the ability to move through those things with the awareness as OSHO says:
“Experience life in all possible ways -
good-bad, bitter-sweet, dark-light,
summer-winter. Experience all the dualities.
Don't be afraid of experience, because the more experience you have, the more mature you become.”
Yet when it comes to long term marriages and all that hostage holding that goes down between two people...there is usually more love than what is actually being shared. What I tend to want to know and listen for is if the connection between two humans has ever had the wonder and amazing time period of falling deeply, passionately and madly in love and than that love began to rise. Not just because of the glue that binds...but also because if you are living your life and you've never had that experience in your life....it can be a longing that lingers within your soul no matter how many years, no matter how many children, no matter what the moral code may be...Life and the longing to experience all of what life has to offer is as natural of a desire as anything else. I don't know if culture can dictate what the human soul longs for. I don't think it can. I don't actually know anything, except I'm very happy to know..what other people decide in their marriages is none of my business.
There are an abundant amount of things in life that are not my business and every one of those things makes me want to sing the song "Oh Happy Day' It's one of my favorites and I'm not even a christian but I sure do love the song, I love happy days and Jesus is still one of my favorites. If nothing else, the embodiment of who he was and is: Is a very good idea for all of humanity no matter if you believe or not (just my opinion)
experience makes us feel completely alive.
Where every sense is heightened, every emotion
is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and
we are flying into the heavens. It may only last a
moment, an hour, an afternoon. But that doesn't
diminish its value.
I'm going to hold you hostage because I love you so much. I have the right to hold you hostage because we made those vows, the ones that said for the rest of our lives - no matter what. Gulp, that's intense if you really really think about it - because for many people, they tend to take advantage of the "no matter what" part and make agreements that aren't actually based on the foundation of loving someone deeply. This is particularly prevalent in sexual agreements.
I now believe some married situations -could and would benefit tremndously by opening them up sexually. While I apologize to companies like Ashley Maddison who created a site where more than 8 million humans gravitate to-to have their secret affairs. It would be better for all souls involved to not have to hide and feel shameful about their natural desires... It does depend though...
Here's a little fact about Ashley Madison, owned by Avid Life Media:
"Tax documents and figures shared by Biderman showed that Avid Life Media grossed $115 million for 2014, up 45% from the $78 million it grossed in 2013, and up nearly threefold since 2010. Pretax profits, says Biderman, will come in at $55 million, which financial analysts say is a typical margin for the industry. Worldwide, the site has had 31 million total users over its lifetime, 6.8 million of whom logged in over the previous 90 days as of late November.
I say 8 million because when I had intended to do a 10 page spread in the magazine on the topic of sexless marriages- I needed to do a little research because I am aware of many things and one of them is, everyone has a very different view on how important sex is or isn't and everyone has their own individual sexual needs, which are often unlike my own and that led me straight to Ashley Madison.
All of the husbands I interviewed loved their wives more than anything and they would never ever leave them or their families. Many would love nothing more than to have sexual intimacy with their wives and have that be the place where they can put all of their heat. And a few did share they do have sex on occasion with their wives and they are just bored.
While my studies are primarily on a woman's physiology, and how important a woman's sexual health actually is-I have to think it is the same for men. Why wouldn't it be?
I question the legitimacy of things like medical impotency in men at earlier ages and doctors telling men "You're just at the age, this happens" when what if...there is more to that story for men as it is for us women?
And prostate cancer becoming more prevalent. I believe some men love their wives and families so deeply they are actually opting for early impotence and prostate cancer and that is how deeply they love their children.
Just as I believe other men decide to have affairs until their sex drive dies and once it dies a natural death they will stop because they have to. And their wives remain the person they get to live out their lives with.
I have heard more than one man minimize his own sexuality for the benefit of his family and then a few months later he is dealing with impotency. These are the good guys who say "I long for my wife, I miss her, I miss the intimacy between us." And they are not just talking about sex itself. They are actually talking about something beyond penetration.
It's no longer women giving up their health and well being for their children. Men are just as likely to make that decision. And some of them are not willing to do so. So they do what they can to stay alive and vibrant and go underground with their legitimate sexual needs. Through life transitioning it does seem like....Women feel their age when their outer beauty begins to shift to their next chapter and it does seem like men feel their age when their ability to penetrate a woman starts to shift to their next chapter. It seems like this is when things get very interesting for humans. It seems like that's when two humans look at themselves and each other and the youth of others and say "Holy shit..I am OLD, when the fuck did that happen!" And then all kinds of wild things go...under ground. I don't know exactly where I am going with this other than to say...maybe there are other options than black and white and right and wrong. I don't know but it just feels like-the hostage holding kind of love has so many consequences and it seems to me while sex isn't everything-it is something that keeps us humans humming.
One of these days when I feel I have enough data and information that can serve and help humans...I will do that 10 day spread..as of now...I'm not there yet.
I remember this vividly because I just got in a lot of trouble for having a hickey on my teenage neck.
I will never forget her "love mark" or mine because they were both visible and they were both so unique.
Hers was so adorable and I loved watching her "Fake" being mad at him for being so old and having to walk around with a love mark on her neck but you could see in her eyes -her sparkle. This woman was humming from the inside out. I was young and even then I thought "YES!" this is how it can be. I love seeing this. I love being around this. This is such good news!!!
There was no faking my dad being mad at my arriving home with a hickey on my neck. Oh man. It was one of those very rare happenings where I was actually truly innocent. I walked into a party and a boy grabbed me and started swallowing my face before I even knew what was happening but he was so darn cute -I loved having my face swallowed up by him. It made me feel breathless, warm and tingly on my insides. He was giving me a New Years kiss.
"Happy New Year!" He said and he pulled me into a darker area of the party and into him. He kissed me wildly from my lips to my neck. Then, he floated away. Nothing more happened with this boy but I ended up with this love mark on my neck. This sucker was HUGE!!!!
To my Dad-love marks were indicators of more than what actually went down with this boy so he wasn't so happy about seeing this huge mark on my young teenage neck and I was like "I swear. I swear to god! This doesn't mean anything" Haha. I can feel myself in that moment. Like all this trouble that I was in for the mark this boy left on my neck and I didn't even get to do what I was being accused of and I knew my story sounded lame as lame could be but it really was the truth as it existed.
I mean if I'm going to take the heat with my Dad, at the very least I should have memories to replay in my head for the consequence I'm now having to pay -in the form of being sent to my room "until further notice"
And I have to say, this woman had me laughing every second. She is hysterical. When I say she is hysteral I mean, you have to be kind of free in sexual human and you have to be light hearted too. Recently married and recently a mom she has this brilliant way of taking her life and turning it into the funniest art. Much respect to her husband too because a lot of her humor is about him and marriage and how sexual she was before she married him. And how very different it is now that she "won." She had me in stitches. She's a dirty brilliant, honest, open, fabulous comedian. Touching on topics like racism, being a woman, feminism, breast feeding, what happens to a woman's body after having a baby, sex, oral sex, marriage and expectations, money, power, ... you name it..she's got it. She is brillaint and I would have never ever known who she was if it wasn't for my friends who bring these types of amazing things into my world.
Over all..it was just another amazing rainy day in Waikiki
and rightdoing there is a field.
I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass
the world is too full to talk about."
We're stepping into the power of now
And all is welcome here
See the father and the son
Reunited here they come
Dancing to the sacred drum
They know they're welcome here
I see the shaman
And the mighty Priest
See the beauty and the beast
Singing I have been released
And I am welcome here