Many moons ago....
Through the 6 month period of time after Donovan died, There was an incident- indicator in my behavior -I was done with my marriage and my son's father mentioned it when we took Joseph (3 years old at the time) to the zoo one day.
I took Joseph out of the car seat, put him in his stroller and wanted to push the stroller myself. His father commented that he felt like I was acting like I was preparing to be a single mother. I was excluding him and he felt this.
It came out initially in the form of a low whistle followed by a sarcastic comment: "Oh..so you're Little Ms Independent, all of a sudden..."
I asked him why he was saying that and that's when he shared the message my behavior was sending him. That's when gave me more context.
Normally he did most of those things with Joseph when he was home from work and we were out and about. Two peas in a pod those two...
His intuition was correct. My process was internal as my behavior changed.
There was no other man or anyone waiting in the wings. It was just that the loss had left me just a little dead on the inside.
My internal processing began to leak out and show up in my behavior. I never actually mentioned "I'm dead on the inside and as I process the deadness within me, I'm seriously considering leaving this marriage." I was simply excluding him from Joseph in ways only he could feel and know and no one else would be able to detect because, he was standing right next to me.
Anyone passing by would not know anything other than.... I was a mother pushing her son in a stroller. On the outside looking in, no one would be able to look at us and see what was really happening underneath the hood of our marriage. The only person whose intuition mattered in this moment was my son's father. He is the only person who knew me well enough to know exactly what I was doing.
Many years later...In 2015-I'd find myself on the other side of this type of behavior leakage. My former spouse began to "exclude me," from my stepdaughter in similar ways. His behavior was leaking out and this was not the first time he did the single dad act to let me know he was gearing up for his next big adventure.
It was just the first time...I didn't do anything to intervene or stop it.
The point is...the people we live and breath with daily, if they know us deeply or not is questionable, but they do know our behaviors and when our behaviors change or leak out.....
It seems to me...we are all the same. Change the story, change the name. Change the behavior to be a little different, add something, delete something and in the end -underneath it all -we can usually find something at the heart of it all. Grief for some of us. Abandonment for others, the inability to connect deeply for others still.....it really just depends.
When you read the book Stories of Courageous Vulnerability, you would be able to read his story and my story and you would be able to see our stories are actually similar.
They are both about Love and Loss.
I can't even imagine what it felt like for him or his family to experience the loss of his beloved sister at her tender age. The differences between him and I were so vast in terms of my outwardness vs his inwardness. In his story, he shares....It took him a few decades to share his true feelings in his connection with his parents. Whereas, for me: in those few decades it has taken me less than a second to share my true feelings on every given day to my parents let alone anyone.
I think everyone has this intuitiveness. Particularly children. When my stepdaughter was about 6 years old, her father and I were about to part ways. 100% of the time, her laundry basket never made it to the mid-way point before I had everything clean, folded and organized in her dressers. Yet, during this emotionally stressful time period, she entered her room to her laundry basket being full and it upset her greatly.
What a vision she was... trying to carry that laundry basket down the steps. She was full of anxiety because just as "Jim never has that second cup of coffee at home," Christina never forgot to do her laundry.
She was the most adorable little human in her upset.
"Christina, you forgot to do my laundry! My laundry basket is FULL. I can't believe it, you never forget to do my laundry!, Here, here it is..." as she struggled down the steps...
She was truly upset and not because she cared about clean laundry. My behavior had leaked out and she noticed it. Such a simple seemingly unimportant thing...yet, for her at 6 years old...it mattered.
After all..it is those un-glamorous every day teeny tiny things that parents do consistently inside of their homes that makes a child feel like -all is okay in their little world.
You bet I stopped everything in that moment...just to get her laundry clean so that she felt..all is still okay in her little world. That was moment for me.
When I allow my floating memories to float...no matter where those memories originate from on the time line of my life...I am able to use these memories instead of them using me. I'm able to bring in deeper levels of love and compassion into places and this helps me in tremendous ways instead of taking away from my now. This is my now.
And I have this strange and odd gift of knowing. Not the ego knowing or self righteous "I'm right and you are wrong," kind of knowing. The knowing inside of me lives on a completely different realm yet those who are stuck in ego/self-righteousness will always hear you on the level and realm they live on. Nothing can be done about that.
Just as when you love and appreciate who you are and many things about who you are...people who do not get it...get turned off. Nothing can be done about that either...
I knew the moment my former spouse began doing the single dad act and began to exclude me from my stepdaughter in energetic and emotional ways, even though I was in the house or right there...that he was gearing up for his next great adventure. She would be traveling with him and I would not be.
There is no one on the planet who would be able to tell me otherwise because the truth as it exists in energy does not lie and neither does behavioral leakage. Particularly when it happens over and over and over again. This stuff is not rocket science. It's just human stuff.
His point wasn't that I'm a repeat offender of boring stories. His point was that I am emotionally trustworthy.
There are no discrepancies. My story does not change or shift to accommodate my mood at the time. There is no blackout or missing parts stemming from being unable or unwilling to share truthfully. There isn't anything in me, no internal drive to "look good" at the expense of truth. Or to invalidate other humans to make myself appear bigger, better or more capable.
There is just a mother who may not have been perfect but she worked hard on her self and moved against the status quo to take the time to restore all of her memories so that her stories were truthful. Because when our stories are truthful they do not change or shift.
That was a big moment for me because you never know if your kids are actually listening and more so due to all those years, all that interference, judgment and all the messages from all of those people who tried very hard to invalidate me as a woman, as a mother and as a human being.
And then suddenly and unexpectedly my adult son who I haven't seen for over a year.... shows up delivering this important to me-gift.
At the same time as other gifts were being delivered to me.
The restoration of the book Stories of Courageous Vulnerability. There is just too much water under the bridge as it relates to the "internal" side. My intention to bring it to crystal clean would involve the humility, grace and authenticity of my former spouse. He would literally have to email everyone on our team and share a different story and he would have to do that in ways he really has zero interest in doing. By his lack of interest I am placed in the position of appearing like the bitter ex-wife who would be sharing his story when his story is not my story to tell and I am not going to do that. I share just on the edge...without tipping over into the realm of not cool yet just honest enough..to help the thousands of people reading my blog...to get they are not alone.
Landmark people are very loyal. To landmark people. In the same way, families are very loyal to their blood and without his voice sharing truth, I am essentially left "untrustworthy"
I have to let go of my need for clean. By clean I mean having the internal be as courageously vulnerable as the authors stories in the book. That's not going to happen. I see this now.
He's allowed to not be interested and move on in his life and that leaves me with some further decisions to make- to honor all of the authors by initiating changes. As I'm dealing with that, my son delivers the gift of telling me his once upon a time stepfather (same former spouse) friended him on facebook and shows me this. That leads to the discovery of a "Love Video" and his long standing engaged status... which leads to another realm where I'm left standing once again noticing...there is no interest in clean.
There is nothing I can do about any of this and it is all showing up at the same time.
Okay...so this is the "what is so," about my now. This is all incoming. It's like "here you go... and oh...then there is this too...look"
Family. Mending fences while building bridges...that IS my purpose.
What I want is to take all of my work and re-create it into series of short, simple, applicable books so any woman in any stepfamily can pick any book she wants based on whatever topic is true for her in her stepfamily. Once that is done...I want to work exclusively in the Movement: Love Affair with Thy Self.
All of these memories and what's showing up, has helped me remain true to my desire to complete the series of inexpensive mini books...
Bringing me right back into....expanded consciousness LLC...
It all ties in...at least for me