The pendulum bob (Above the red and grey balls). When the bob is displaced from equilibrium and then released, it begins its back and forth vibration about its fixed equilibrium position. The motion is regular and repeating, an example of periodic motion. The object that is vibrating is acted upon by a restoring force. The restoring force causes the vibrating object to slow down as it moves away from the equilibrium position and to speed up as it approaches the equilibrium position. It is this restoring force that is responsible for the vibration.
Isn't it the same with our feelings? They swing! There is a natural order through the restoring force. We may try to stop it or force ourselves to be some place we aren't yet in doing so...I think we block our own power and the natural process. Perhaps to restore our own equilibrium in some cases it's best to slow down before we speed up. Just call me Bob when I feel displaced and my equilibrium is off.
I think restoring can co-exist with living and it doesn't have to be all or nothing.
This is what I like about the forms of Meditation I love so much. It helps the natural restoration process soften.
Today when I went to do my afternoon meditation-I decided to take myself to the Ironwood trees.....
In other news....
Looks like I will be Puppy Sitting starting Monday for at least 4 days. A teeny tiny chihuahua puppy! I've only met Penny and her young human mother 2 times and this evening I was told how much better her mom feels knowing she will be with me while she is gone.
She is being trained. Her mom said she will sit if you ask her to but she will walk away first. Her mother seems to think that's Penny being a rebel. She told me Penny loves taking long walks. That will work for me too.
She also mentioned: she likes to sleep on human necks. That one worries me a little bit...because she's so tiny and I'm not really a huge fan of anything sleeping on my neck but I am pretty good about finding new and creative ways to make things work so everyone feels warm.
I really hope I don't become the crazy chihuahua lady like I was the crazy chicken lady! This should be a very interesting 4 days. I like Penny's energy, how her entire body shakes with excitement to play and how she's full of love.
In other news: I'm working on a new experiment. I'm about to put myself on an intentional internal cleansing program. Mostly a 4 day Ayurvedic simple cleans: This includes meals; drinks; a five-senses purification; channel-cleaning breathwork; seated meditation; mindful eating; nature walks; and yoga.
The experiment part is the Oxy-Powder
Which should be in tomorrow if not the next day.
I feel the need to kick my self care and love affair with myself up a couple of notches... and at the heart of it is this weird void that did not exist prior to the experience I just had for months straight. I don't even know how long it's been since the complete cut off happened, I just know, I'm still carrying it and I am doing all the things one does to love one's self daily. While it has lessoned tremendously, I don't know how one can go that deeply and have things be that incredible, have it get cut off and not have some residue.
This man I have decided to nick name him:
In the last year and a half I've developed a fondness for the John Wayne's of the world. The men in their early 50s- up who all say he is their hero, their favorite, who they admire or respect as far as men go. Their eyes light up when you mention him and they really do embody his spirit on a certain level.
There is an unapologetic masculine quality co-existing with life experience where their way of being is expansive in being soft and hard around the edges all at the same time. They are old-school in the areas that I'm old school in. I like these types of men because things like chivalry is not dead to them and I like to be treated like a lady. I don't care what anyone else wants, needs or likes these days. I like what I like and I like chivalry very much. All of this de-polarized connection stuff is not for me. I want the heat and the passion and the hand on the small of my back as we are leaving the room. I'm cool with the car door being opened or someone walking on the outside of the sidewalk. That aligns with my nature. I'm very receptive to all of that stuff. I like to be treated like a lady and I like other things too.
The other thing about those men who love John Wayne is: At any given moment when they feel they have gone a little too far in their "softness," or if my response is to say how utterly cute they are, there is an automatic bicep muscle being made or something very manly is said. Words like you're so cute isn't exactly what the John Wayne's of the world have in mind when it's said from a woman they desire and want the woman to see them as manly men. I don't know if any of what I wrote is actually true-it just seems that way. And it really is adorable.
If you remember "The Wolf," from over a year ago in one of my previous blogs. I was just as clear with him as I was with this fella that I am not interested in any way, shape or form in anything other than what we specifically said we were going to do.
With the wolf-that was unexpected too as we walked on the beach to meet each other for the first time-I fell into him It was a slow and soft melting moment by moment vs what happened with this John Wayne fella.
The wolf and I are still friends today which I appreciate very much because the depth in our connection and his openness to me allowed us to move through to our friendship now.
Whereas, Mr John Wayne cut the cord completely.
I will just leave you with the last time I was in his physical presence.
He invited me to dinner after the decision to end it was made by him. A part of that was because he respects me deeply. Which is another John Wayne -ish move actually.
The thought was "as friends" but that didn't make any sense because our connection wasn't just friends and you can't intellectualize connection in nicely packaged category's one moment to the next. Or I suppose you can but not that quickly when you've gone pretty deep.
That isn't really workable or reasonable when you have a connection like we had.(from my vantage point anyway$
Heading to Dinner: It was beautiful and a little awkward as well. The conversation in the car was easy, our connection just flows, we laugh easy and we were friends too...so all was the same there. As we walked from the car, that's when it became slightly awkward because we were used to touching each other at all times and in every way you could touch a person (Body/mind and spirit)
Everything from hand holding and beyond that. I could feel and see his struggle to align with the decision to transition our connection from lovers to friendship because he did that thing..that thing where he reached out to touch me- but then didn't think he should and then decided against it. And he did that a few times.
We had a very nice dinner and again an ease in our conversation and through that - I had moments where my left leg began to tingle which was something that happened with him repeatedly. One word, the tone of his voice, his expression, the way that he moved..-stuff like that -somehow - he always seemed to do or say something that had my left leg tingling. By the time dinner ended the gig was up-We are not just friends. It was like playing into something that wasn't real while being in it-being free to just touch one another was the only thing that felt real. We couldn't take our hands off of each other, the heat continued to rise...
As two consenting adults whose connection seemed to be all about sharing desire, we decided together -to spend his last 30 minutes before he had to get on a plane, to be together before he left
Parking in Waikiki is its own pain in the butt. One of my neighbors let me use the parking stall for the 30 minutes but when we arrived at my place, there was a tow truck towing another car away. That took away time because then we were trying to make sure he didn't get towed too.
Now imagine you now have 20 minutes, do not trust the parking, feeling like you may get towed and you have a big important meeting the next day- so you really can not miss your flight. These things (and perhaps other things too) caused him a great deal of internal frustration. An inner conflict. He wanted to be with me but he could not with all of these things over his head.
To me his pre-occupation seemed legitimate and no big deal.
To him it was deeply frustrating that he couldn't stay present enough to be with me.
At that point, I was perfectly happy just to be in his presence. It didn't have to be anything other than what it was. I stayed in my lane, feeling into my body, I'm in bliss and I'm watching this man who has no filter what-so-ever. He essentially roars with frustration because, as we all know; sometimes when we have a desire and frustration gets in the way of that-it adds to the frustration.
His roaring made me laugh because with me- the man couldn't play a hand in poker if he tried. He was such an animated, unfiltered emotional human- rather than, a closed human who is impossible to read. He wasn't roaring "at me," I wasn't in any danger. I was perfectly safe. He was roaring at himself, his monkey mind and his inability to ravish me.
I was enjoying watching him in his roaring frustration...So I laughed because....that's what I do....I laugh. Apparently, there was something about the way my eyes danced and sound of my laughter that hit him in such a way...just like that - he was fully present and ready to go. Only, this seemed to shock the hell out of him, which I also experienced as amusing. His brain went haywire as he verbally expressed his shock and wanted to know how it was possible and why -looking at my eyes and hearing my laughter- had so much power. This rattled him. So then we had: a flight to catch, frustration and a full blown internal rejection of the simplicity that it is actually possible: he responded to my eyes and laughter in that way- because that was and had been the nature and progression of our connection all along. There was nothing shocking about it to me actually. We had been deeply connected for several months.
Poor guy...all of these things seemed to be very inconvenient things to be happening since he already made the decision that he and I were "just friends."
Okay, Mr John Wayne.
And let's face it, a man with a bigger ego and less love or kindness moving through him would have had a different response to my laughter. Perhaps that frustration would have been crossed over to anger at me, but that is not the type of man I allow into my life anymore. For that, I'm so glad and appreciate my discernment there because my laughter is always a good thing these days. To me he was a lovely mess and there was nothing wrong with me...there was just what was happening. I have that twisted sense of humor generally speaking anyway.
That's the thing: there wasn't any big drama between us that had him make the decision. The mini drama that did pop up we glided through with our combined wicked sense of humors and his nature of needing to talk it through until it was complete beyond complete which really didn't take much to do. And that's a part of the gold right there. I don't have a list as much as I have a knowing that I do need to connect with people who don't take themselves that seriously. Their mistakes or my own. Stuff comes up to get over. Not to revisit every 3 days and wallow in and beat each other up about for all of eternity. And we are...who we are.
So it really wasn't this thing where we discovered each other's ugliness and said "Dear God, who are you? And thanks but no thanks" that did not happen between him and I.
And even if it had, I would still have the desire to have zero weirdness as we transitioned our connection from one form to the next.
He was already back in his compartmentalized comfortable world - space and was already speaking to me in the same tone he spoke to his buddies about me: He spoke to me in the tone of me just being one of the notches on his bedpost.
There is what a man tells his best masculine buddy "because he wouldn't understand" and then there is the actual connection we were experiencing.
I can't even begin to tell you how sucky that was for me to have our connection reduced so quickly, that made my head spin actually.
What was actually true?
Does the truth exist in his man world
"Hey man...I met this woman and the sex is incredible!"
Or was the connection we both experienced the deeper truth?
Did I get played? I haven't a clue. It does seem suspicious, doesn't it?
I don't think I was being played because the whole point was to play, enjoy and move freely anyway. That was the only intention from the start and that's what I do all the time in my life- very easily, therefore; that was the offer on the table for him, he could have taken it very easily if that was what he wanted. The invitation was never to go as deeply as we went anyway. I have to think he had a deeper yes burning inside of him that didn't include me and that's really okay. I'm usually very cool about that and don't take that so personally anyway. Whatever the desire says or doesn't say-let's do that. However, Mr John Wayne changed something or grabbed something or something...I don't know yet.
That advice left me thinking: I wonder how many women think they are "doing something wrong," by being themselves and allowing the natural progression of any connection to flow however it flows? And why are we telling women to ask men what they are doing wrong instead of telling women to be their most incredible version of their own true self? I mean, I get it-there's a lot of crazy behavior out there in both men and women and that's the reality but ultimately-if the purpose of any connection is to grow and evolve...Sometimes there is a deeper yes burning inside of a man and that deeper burning is not me and that deeper burning has absolutely nothing to do with me or anything I did or I am doing wrong. For heavens sake..why does anyone need to be "wrong" Him or me?
Swing batta batta swing.....
And so, I'm going to take 4 days to do a deep cleanse in my Love Affair with Thy Self.... As I get deeply involved with my own evolution... Can't wait to see what I discover