It wasn't until we got off of the phone that I thought of my own brain at the age of 25. What was I doing as my brain was reaching the capacity for higher functioning?
I was giving birth then burying a baby. I was experiencing a tremendous amount of emotional and biological trauma. Body/Mind/Soul.
This train of thought fascinated me because that's a connection within my own experience I haven't really thought about before even though I have studied the brain, I have never made this connection for my own brain.
I began to wonder how that experience, at that specific age impacted my 25 year old brain. After all, traumatic stress includes the amygdala, hippocampus, and the prefrontal cortex. Also, trauma is associated with lasting changes in these brain areas. Further, these things add to the body's natural hormonal responses to stress where the hormone cortisol and norepinephrine become increased with subsequent stressors.
Biochemistry. one of several steroid hormones produced by the adrenal
cortex and resembling cortisone in its action.
After Donovan's death I began to experience periodical "burn out." It took several experience with burn out before I was able to assess, I was burning myself out. It was almost as if my brain wasn't working. As if I had to experience it and have the realization after the experience-rather than just knowing instinctively. There were plenty of areas and indicators my brain was working to capacity, but this co-existed with the burn out and other aspects too.
Making this connection between my age, the trauma, burn out and the connection to how cortisol is increased in the body...Adrenal Fatigue makes perfect sense to me.
What Is Adrenal Fatigue?Adrenal fatigue is a collection of signs and symptoms, known as a syndrome, that results when the adrenal glands function below the necessary level. Most commonly associated with intense or prolonged stress, it can also arise during or after acute or chronic infections, especially respiratory infections such as influenza, bronchitis or pneumonia. As the name suggests, its paramount symptom is fatigue that is not relieved by sleep but it is not a readily identifiable entity like measles or a growth on the end of your finger. You may look and act relatively normal with adrenal fatigue and may not have any obvious signs of physical illness, yet you live with a general sense of unwellness, tiredness or “gray” feelings. People experiencing adrenal fatigue often have to use coffee, colas and other stimulants to get going in the morning and to prop themselves up during the day.
Connect that to the mini hormonal shifts and changes I am currently experiencing and it feels like I just made an important self discovery for myself as it relates to understanding myself just a little bit more. Of course, I don't know if there was any real connection to my age, the trauma and some other things...but it feels like a huge possibility... This type of connection and possibility allows me to be as kind to myself as I am with others...
praying my son has zero trauma in his life for the next 6 months as his brain matures, which may sound funny and a bit odd. I don't know....
my thoughts float in however they float in...until the next one arrives...if I just allow them to float in and out...
TO: moving onto something seemingly unrelated but still in inquiry about how my brain is wired.
I began recalling how some of my single friends spoke to me when I was married.
Letting me know how "hard," it was to be single. To do it all alone.
Often they would forget, or didn't know I was actually single for 10 years in between marriages.
Instead I got a lot of that "you wouldn't be able to understand, connect or relate because...you're married."
At that time... there wasn't anything in me that felt compelled to remind them or correct them or defend myself. I often wonder if there is some sort of block in my brain connection in moments when I'm not compelled to speak up or defend myself....however....I now know...
In my purest state....I'm not a huge fan of competing via who has it harder-any more than -I am a fan of who has it better.
But now I'm back in the single woman seat again and I am experiencing the incredible benefits of living alone for the first time in over a decade.
The freedom to allow my body's natural wisdom to tell me what I need with zero interference. It feels so much easier to make these deeper connections about myself- for myself while I am by myself. In this way, it feels like a tremendous gift to myself to give myself permission to be my own guru at this time.
#2. The freedom to continue to expand my own consciousness from the level of my own development based on where I am-at the speed that aligns with my nature instead of running myself into the ground to grow "In 30 days or less."
This too..is so much easier to do-alone.
At least for me-being me -because I have such a hard time when humans come in and try to control or navigate my growth from their agenda, belief systems, values, or where they are in their development.
Often I believe people put in a tremendous amount of time and energy trying to change another person to meet their own needs/agenda instead of realizing the answer could just as easily be...as simple as: acceptance and allowing people to grow at their own rate. Or perhaps, simply leaving room to discover what a person wants vs telling them who they "should," be or what they "should" want.
After my last blog entry about the loveless Motel where I shared openly about my two top runners no longer being top runners, a dear friend read my blog and shared with me....That although she knows.. at this time I'm just moving the way love moves, experimenting and discovering along the way....my share made her feel sad for me. She ended her communication with letting me know she felt I deserved all the love in the world. I'm hearing that a lot these days by the people who love me. Which is very endearing, sweet and I get it....It's jus that...I'm not sad. Therefore I felt confusion upon hearing "I felt sad for you."
I thought to myself "Am I supposed to be feeling sad?" What's sad about this? Am I missing a brain connection some place? These type of inquiries happen to me from time to time...
Oops, I have to go now because I'm about to get my "Heart Card" reading....