This weeks topics seemed to be..
EQUALITY IN CONNECTION
In my mind and from a connection standpoint: We are already equal. This doesn't mean I feel obligated to be friends or hang out with everyone, nor does it mean we will connect deeply. The equality I am referring too also- does not negate areas of expertise, skill sets or other realms of reality, it co-exists with reality.
As an example:
You wouldn't put a scalpel in my hands and say "now perform brain surgery" because I am not only not qualified (equal to a brain surgeon) -I would probably faint if you asked me to do that.
Yet.... if you're a brain surgeon and we meet outside of surgery at a swanky Jazz club and we both love Jazz.. we could easily connect in other ways. I will have reverence for that calling, the education and intelligence required....However, just because someone has that calling, doesn't mean I'm less than in our connection. It just means, you don't come to me for your brain surgery, that wouldn't be wise.
I feel this way with teachers and mentors too. I am very coachable and an excellent student-but there are "only if's and only as far as's" with me.
Only if: I have consented-agreed or I've literally registered and there is an agreement.
Only as far as: what our teacher/mentor -student connection is designed to be and only on the topic of what is being taught or mentored.
If a teacher or mentor needs me to be their clone-at the expense of my true self-we're heading into territory that I never agreed on.
That doesn't mean I don't respect my mentor or my teacher. It just means I respect myself too.
I think it would behoove mothers and stepmothers to realize they are actually equal as people. If everyone would get out of the way and leave these two women to it...they would understand there is very normal and often necessary period of power struggle-until these women find their own natural rhythm with one another. Having the awareness that they are both equal and starting from that place (which lives away from roles, titles or biological factors) harmony may be more likely...eventually.
Eventually I stopped having intellectual conversations with him because his intellect was the only intellect allowed in the room. Well, I mean...his and "most people." Whereas, my intellect saw no value in trying to move through all of that congestion.
It wasn't necessarily " Christina, don't throw your pearls at swine" as much as it was "Christina...reserve your intellectual energy for people and places where there is an actual welcome sign on the door!"
That is...eventually. At first either my feelings would be hurt or I would fight. But as my dear friend Dr PK Roberts likes to say "I was just fighting with the wind."
But then he got a terrible attitude because when he introduced me to his personal body guard, I was fascinated and wanted to know what it was like to be a personal body guard. I had a few questions. The entire inquiry took 2 minutes tops.
There were at least 30 other women fawning all over him but his attention was focused on letting me know- he didn't like that I was talking to his body guard. That was such a turn off for me that I walked away.
In those days I was a butterfly on the dance floor. If you wanted my undivided attention- you needed to grab me and get it vs expect to just have it because-you're you. That's just the way I was (and still am sometimes)
Don't get me wrong, I love VIP treatment the same as the next gal. I'm very comfortable in the VIP room. Feels like home to me...but I will pass if it is looking or feeling like I have to be someone other than myself in order to enter the room, I'd rather not be there.
There isn't anything in me that wants to be where the fullness of being me isn't allowed. More so now, than ever before...
In this way...thing become softer....somehow....
A partner once said to me ((as our connection was shifting form:) "You won't learn a thing because you're beautiful so you'll just get someone else quickly and not do your work. All of your blind spots will remain the same"
What a fascinating and intriguing theory smothered in ego with an extra large side order of pure projection.
I had no where to go with that one. Some projections are just so crystal clear-it's like being hit with a stun gun. You just can't speak. It's an interesting experience to have...
In hindsight as I connect to our connection....to his limited toward me theory and then read Marianne Williamson's words...Resignation hits me ever so softly...
His ultimate desire from me was that I provide him with false reverence that the world gave him for his image, his beauty and ultimately, his money.
I wasn't able to do that...as the rest of the world did....it was just time to
WALK ON....If you know what I mean...
You could have flown away
A singing bird
In an open cage
Who will only fly
Only fly for freedom
"Don't be a victim
Don't play a victim
you're a victim
stop being a victim
Can we have another word please?
For me this feels over used and abused and therefore-carelessly tossed about.... here
No matter what
no matter who...
It's really only useful to those it actually serves and you have to be at a certain place in your development for that to serve you.
Otherwise - all you are doing is kicking a human being while they are already down.
Side tracking them, distracting them.
Giving them just one more thing to feel bad about themselves.
Or, you're driving that victim consciousness into the ground or back under the rug because many people will do whatever it takes to NOT be seen or called a victim
After all...no one likes a victim....and many people who like to "look good," will bury that but still carry that.
How is this helpful?
I feel the same way about how carelessly everyone tosses around the term Narcissist.
As if anyone has actually perfected being a human being.
But if victims annoy you...you're not bashing them because you care. You're bashing them because they are annoying you. If someone playing the victim makes you feel sick...that says a lot. Not about them, about you.
But if you walk away because you have the wisdom to know that they need to be alone on their path right now and you can't help or serve them...but there is no stuff on it....that too says a lot..Not about them, about you.
just my thoughts...
But for me at this point in my life... it's so boring...and a lot of the time, one dimensional unconsciousness. We often lack awareness that not everyone is in the same place.
In this way, our holding each other to account ultimately means....Knowing someone so deeply that you know when they are out of alignment with what they have said their biggest and greatest desire is for themselves. Not what you think their biggest or greatest desire should be...
In this realm, no one feels it's necessary to do the "you're being a victim" thing.
Because at this point in our lives, we know when we are doing that, and we know there is treasures to be found in staying in it just long enough to get the treasures and get the hell out of there-on our own.
Sexual fluidity is one or more changes in sexuality or sexual identity (sometimes known as sexual orientation identity). There is significant debate over whether sexuality is stable throughout life or is fluid and malleable. Scientific consensus is that sexual orientation, unlike sexual orientation identity, is not a choice.
But I was thinking...
Spiritual gurus have been known to not be so perfectly perfect in this arena.
I often wonder why the reverence people give to gurus isn't balanced with the awareness that they are still human beings.
Being a leader comes with a level of responsibility and some people do not become leaders because they could never endure the level of responsibility a leader must be willing to take on. Sexuality is in there. Not so much from a morality standpoint (to me) but a basic human kindness, compassion and awareness sense of responsibility. "Do NO Harm" consciousness.
It seems to me....
If you're an enlightenment Guru-you would know when someone is looking upon you as if you are God in an empowered way vs a disempowered way and you would also be completely aware that you are in fact NOT GOD.
If you're an enlightened person...you would have the capacity to feel into your own desire and know if and when it is coming from ego or your higher self. This is a huge part of being on the enlightened path. In my opinion
I'm no one's guru (except my own) and I absolutely know when I'm in a dark place, a superficial place, trying to fill a void that can't be filled. When I'm light hearted and playful...and when I'm in my own magic. I understand what I'm attracting and why. I know what my psyche can and can not handle.
I also know what it feels like to be in the depth of grief after the death of your off spring.
I just need to feel good. I just want to feel good.
YES! I have been there. There is a connection that makes sense, at least to me.
Our children come to us from our having sex. They come out through our feminine and are fed by our feminine. The same areas are involved here. This is not rocket science.
In my life, with other loss...I did not feel this urgency or reach for sex when my grandmother died, or when my uncle died, or when anyone whom I ever loved very much or cared for very deeply died.
I only felt this specific sense of sexual urgency right after we buried Donovan. The relief was fleeting. It did not last long, yet any relief was better than no relief. It was intense, raw, deep and honestly, beautiful too.
And that other place too...
That other place where he is looking to experience the magic, juice or potential healing and in that place ....there is an incredible energetic quality to it -it's life additive for him and for me. I can't be the only woman on the planet who has experienced that moment where you sense "This man just healed something in me."
In my mind: If you're going to be an enlightenment guru of any sort and you can't feel these things instinctively or you aren't enlightened enough to sense or know-the person you are about to take into your bed is going to be harmed by the experience - there is some work to do there but I'm not sure celibacy is the wiser choice for the guru.
Stunting their ability to move through to advancement and feel into the psyche of another human being-To develop the capacity to feel into their own ego gratification and their innocence and be able to know the difference yet in either case, if the desire is ego or innocence, to still be able to have the capacity to feel into the other human being more deeply. That is also a path that would lead to mastery.
Celibacy post scandal -seems like it could have value for some and there also feels like there is another option for others -where they could master their own desire by breathing into it instead of shutting it.
Maybe there could be a flowing river for them without any crazy scandal or "the guru damaged me -fall out if they were allowed to move through it like the rest of us.
Allowing for.....Sexual Fluidity...
Don't get me wrong, every choice is honored by me personally. Celibacy is a very beautiful choice to make....as long as that choice comes from and belongs to the person who is making that choice
Just thinking out loud here....