This morning I was about 3.5 miles into my walk when that song came on and this paragraph penetrated me deeply.
Thought I wasn't enough
Found I wasn't so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn't take it anymore
"Laying on the bathroom floor," what an absolute trigger that was for me. I felt my heart tighten as the sensation traveled to my tear ducts and in broad day light on the beautiful walking trail...I was crying.
I can't even count the amount of times I ventured into the bathroom, locked the door to hide. It got to the point where I could tell by the sound of his heavy foot steps if he had woken up angry that day and in an attempt to avoid the anger I would just hide.
Sometimes he would knock on the bathroom door. He would say "what are you doing?" I'm pretty sure he knew I was hiding. But I would lie and say something that lined up with why a person would be in the bathroom.
I really forgot that even happened as often as it did until today, mile 3.5. It was such a spontaneous moment of release that I wasn't even aware needed to be released. The way this dynamic eventually evolved was...after so many times of my choice to hide-eventually when I couldn't take it anymore-that's when I would turn on him and show up angry. It was similar to how our colons are actually 5 feet long if we removed it from our bodies and sometimes things get stuck way up at the top, especially if we are ingesting things that aren't good for us. My tolerance for the anger/hide/can't take it another second guage seemed to grow to be 5 feet long and it needed to be so full, it had to reach the edge of the 5th foot before my sense of injustice came out. He used to refer to it as my "delayed reactions"
Toward the end, as I began to explore the areas and cycles that I had willingly participated in...my 5 foot tolerance eventually turned into being maybe a half an inch long. All it took was a half a second of the wrong tone or terrible energy and I was like NO WAY MISTER!!! Until finally my tolerance level was minus zero.
See it just didn't matter what enlightened workshop or event or couples course we signed up for. None of it ever worked because I had already taught him that it really didn't matter how much he lowered his own standards on how he was treating me. I would accept it all and find ways to navigate around those moments and when he returned to center, that's when I was often having one of my delayed reactions. What a horrible cycle. For him and for me.
This spontaneous release was so wonderful. (As weird as that sounds) Because what I want, more than anything is to be in my own skin so freely that I can experience my own life and each moment at the level of depth that is me.
To have something come up, to stay with it, to let it be and let it do whatever it needs to do-is a gift I give myself.
Now, I'm laying on the grass filling myself back up so I can truly be present to my now.
That was cool
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning, there is no more mourning
Oh I can finally see myself again
Wasn't gonna let love take me out that way
Thanks Kati Perry. :)