What I've been doing in the last three years since my divorce...

I've been studying love. It may appear to others to be a frivolous past time, that is what I have been doing. Learning, observing, valuing and absolutely... encouraging LOVE! 

I love how he left this exact scene, heard half a lecture and felt he had enough information to believe he and she were on the same intellectual page. In collecting half the data, he was mistaken in believing she didn't want the juicy juice when she absolutely did. 

They had to actually go through a few things before their love was allowed to breath and blossom fully and on every level.

His leaving midway in a lecture, assuming he knew...was one of those things that eventually came back to bite him. He felt "betrayed," when she wanted something different. Yet, she had always wanted the full experience because...as she articulates in class......"Because while it does last...it feels fucking great!" 

She (Like most women I know) handled his fears with care and consideration. Not wanting to push but rather wanting to gently move into it. That wasn't working. 

Through the mirror having two faces, through the relationship, through the experience....-Rose (Barbra Streisand) began the journey of truly loving herself.
She was a no to an intellectual marriage of convenience and she was a yes to experiencing all that she wanted with the man that she did love. She was a yes to all of her yes's, owning them all so fully when she began to recognize:  not doing so was causing her so much pain. 

The actual discovery that she was the love of her own life had a positive impact on her marriage, moving their love into a truly intimate space. I could go on and on about that one movie. I love it that much. At levels and layers and from all different angles. 

Much of time what I hear from women who love their men a lot is they don't say it because:  "I don't want to hurt his feelings."  

Dear lord have mercy!!!!! 

If men only knew how deeply they are loved and the length of time the women who love them will allow themselves to be slightly dis-satisfied just because they do not want to hurt the mans feelings. Women are beautiful in this way as far as I'm concerned, they don't want to hurt their men and they do all that they can, try all that they can, think on deeper levels and try to find fun and interesting ways to communicate and share in ways that will enhance the quality of their connection and levels and layers of fulfillment can be had! 

It's very sweet and I vaguely remember that within myself. Honestly, it's  all a little fuzzy to me at this time. 
There is a space between two people who love one another and all of the subtleties floating back and forth along with knowing things no one else knows. In that space, it isn't that the other person isn't honest as much as the love and awareness is mindful of what another person may not be ready for just yet. 
It's a space where the love moves in such a way, one partner is working on creative ways and ideas to move their relationship where they want it to go without damaging another persons sense of self along the way.

​There is careful consideration and a level of kindness that lives there. Mostly the desire, which usually sounds self serving to others, is really saying: 
"I love you so deeply that I want us to experience heaven on earth together because I love you and I know that it's possible with you."
It's also saying "All of your fears or insecurities aren't a big deal to me. I'm willing to work through them with you and I'm trying to figure out the best path." 

Yet if the other person isn't ready to let go of their fears, isn't willing to risk, try, fail or look like a fool in any way shape or form, the affinity between two people can lower significantly enough to end the relationship.

There is a difference between someone not accepting who we already are, what our natures may be vs our holding onto our fears and insecurities more fiercely than the love we share with another human being. 

When Byron Katie says "And for those of you who are single, the people in your life, at the office.....that's all you can handle...." That is so funny to me and I do wonder about that myself. I'm not afraid to acknowledge or chew on how that may actually be the case with me. As in, perhaps I am not partnered up, in a relationship, or married because, I have all that I can handle at this time.

However, I have noticed, I only feel that way when someone tries to shove, force or move me into their dogma, their values, their belief system, their ideas of what it means to love without ever asking me what I want, who I am or without ever taking the time to truly know me. 

In my own space, in meditation, in solitude, in silence and in connection with others who know me deeply, or willing to be in the process of getting to know me deeply. With those who are willing to meet me some place near where I am at this time in my life... All of that....drops away and all that's left is a sense of divine timing without me having to do or be anything different for any reason or any one. Which circles me right back to the last three years of my studying, learning, observing, valuing and absolutely encouraging other people's LOVE. Not from the space of it has to last forever to be real. From the space of: 
"....It may only last a minute, an hour an afternoon...but it doesn't diminish it's value....because we're left with memories that last a life time...." ​

After all, who am I to know what any two people are supposed to do, be, have or learn in the space between them. I don't even know what anyone is supposed to do, be, have or learn in my own relationships moment to moment unless I am in them. 
So here are just a few things I've noticed in 30 minute, thirty hours, thirty days and 30 years couples whom you can feel the love. 

Learning.
Love isn't actually always all that  kind. Or rather people aren't always kind. Either way, the point is people make mistakes, go off the deep end so to speak. They even go so far as to pack their bags. Emotion can make people incapable of logic and it's often temporary. I often wish couples would be more selective in who they go to for their support system. 
Many years ago when I worked at a barber shop cutting men and children's hair exclusively- I never was the woman saying "Poor you, your wife is such a nag"
I was more inclined to be the woman mirroring something back. Such as "So your wife wants your love and attention because she loves you that much? Tell me again what the issue is?" 
Sometimes all love needs is a reminder and someone willing to take a stand for it.

What I noticed about people who love each other is: They are learning, willing to learn, willing to grow where and when they can. Mistakes aren't used as a repeated weapon against one another. Mistakes are used as learning tools to lean back into their hearts and discover what will make everyone happy. 
I've witnessed this...repeatedly.

Those who just want, what they want vs those who know how to love deeply...it's a learning process. 

"Violet, you're turning violet, Violet!!!!!" 

“I think that my job is to observe people and the world, and not to judge them. I always hope to position myself away from so-called conclusions. I would like to leave everything wide open to all the possibilities in the world.” 
― Haruki Murakami

This is where synergy can happen..... "Synergy is better than my way or your way..." 

People who love each other.... solution oriented "Are you willing to come up with a solution that could be better than what either of us have thought of" 
It is my observation that people in love... are willing to do this. It's so beautiful to witness that happening. Wanting solutions is something I've witnessed again and again. It's very different than "let's just move on" or agreeing to disagree." Much of the time people say lets just move on but they do not. 
This, I believe can truly help keep affinity alive in love. 

People who love each other value their connections and each other. It doesn't always look that way when we hear blame or think there isn't empathy or anger comes up in a moment, however it's there.....you can feel it. 

Sometimes relationships and the space between two people can get a little too full. When that happens, it can be easy to forget the most supportive thing we can do is to encourage one another and build each other up. People who love each other also forget sometimes, in the moment yet in the end they self correct as they take the time to feel and use their own heart, the love that's inside of it. 

Nothing and no one is perfect that I've seen yet...however, love can be felt in all different styles, phases and it depends on the space between two people. 

​

Love people who ....... Don't JUST...... 

Stay Tuned....

“By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.” 
― Confucius

In my own mind, Wisdom is absolutely subjective. How could it be otherwise? As a simple example we can use the art of allowing. It is wise to allow. It is also not wise to allow. It depends.
Or the concept of silence. Silence is golden. That is only true in certain situations. There is this whole other realm in existence where silence isn't golden at all and it is absolutely not mature or wise to be silent.
At another level, coconut oil is one of my wisdom tools for my own well-being. When I heat that oil up to give myself a massage in the am, I feel very alive.
However, I have a sister-in-law whom coconut oil would cause her pain and the potential of death becomes a reality for her.

She is severely allergic.

In this way, if I tried to push my health and well-being wisdom tool onto her with a mindset of "This is wisdom" regardless of her reality or how it would impact her-I would be poisoning her. Literally.
Sometimes wisdom is as simple as saying "Does this have nuts in it?" Her wisdom within knowing nuts would hurt her fits under the third according to confucius: By her own experience and that also feeds into silence not being golden because her silence would be painful. 

Stay Tuned

The other day a man kissed me and I nearly swooned. I am not kidding, I almost fainted! ​I shall fondly and with the sensation of endearment nick name him: Rhett Butler. Cause.... He was someone who knows how!!!!!

The kiss itself was very unexpected and mostly I'm more surprised that I didn't do the thing I usually do after a compassionate or friendly hug. Which is, I sort of turn my head and move back just a couple of seconds too fast and therefore, I have experienced that awkward moment where a man goes to kiss me and stops because I have already turned my head.

It is only after that moment where I become present to just how often I do that. Just how often I miss the moment or the opportunity.
Short of a little internal wince "Darn, I did it again!"

It just floats away and I float right back into my geekery. I'm often pretty happy to just be spending my time geeking out and that was the state I was in when that unexpected KISS OF ALL KISSES happened...Or so I thought....

In the beginning stages I was moving in creativity which is often similar to the feminine chaotic. He was light as a feather about it all. I have an appreciation for that. It's easier to be near men who don't judge you in this way and I've noticed I become grounded very quickly when a man holds his own shape. 

Now this goes back to my previous post. 
1. Single
2. Living in the space in between raising children, not having grandchildren
3. He actually articulated something that is the truth of it as I know it. "I spend a lot of time alone, a lot of time alone. SO when I am with people I enjoy it. That resonates deeply with me at this time.

He was full and therefore able to pay attention. As we talked about this beautiful space and time in our lives.....
We were able to talk about what it felt like in terms of meeting other single people who could handle the space we were both in.
For him, his work and world travels doesn't work for women even though he would love to be with someone.


He says "It's really hard to find someone who wants or can handle my life"
For me, it's slightly different however similar.


I began to share my idea regarding leading with the thread of desire at the center, friendship on one end and moving toward whatever agreement felt right as experiences were being experienced rather than a pre-existing map laid out.
To enjoy one another as moments are happening with the awareness that we want to be in the process of what it means to get to know a person however through the portal of enriching one another's life and being committed to the sweet spot between us.

I did articulate this a little differently however, he really loved the concept, he understood it and could see it. So much so ideas were flowing out of him. He had an amazing book title that just flew out of his mouth effortlessly and that title landed on me as so perfect. I went right to google it just to be sure it isn't already taken. It's not. He also had concepts and ideas and his concepts gave me ideas and my ideas gave him more concepts. My brain was extremely happy!!!!! 

​Not too long ago one of my married girlfriends hosted a beautiful event/cruise type thing. She is the hostess with the mostest. She yelled out to about forty of us "Hey, who are my single people here today? As everyone raised their hand she told us all to look around. I did not look around. And when she said to me (with half a smile) "So Christina, are you going to flirt with anyone today?" 
My response was an immediate "No" and she laughed.


I have all of these weird quirks that I'm noticing. It would not be in my nature or of interest to me (at this time )-to go to a "Singles" event. However... I don't mind going to places where there are single people.

It's just that I don't leave my house thinking about meeting singles. I just kind of leave my house and single people exist and that feels good to me. 

The theme there seems to be just letting things happen perhaps.

And the invitations I accept from my friends I accept because I love hanging out with my friends and because they are so amazing, their friends seem to be that too. That works for me. 

I can flirt when it feels natural, I can be around single people when it isn't intentionally spotlighted that I am SINGLE.
Something about that just isn't something that lands well on me. I'm all for being intentional about one's life, desires and all of that...some things don't feel like that to me though. In the same way I'm not a prude but I don't want anyone to spend the night. 
Quirky. 

"I just mentioned something that prompted him to want to give me a compassionate hug. His compassion was right there and it felt like the most natural response. At that moment I felt safe with him on every level. So much so, I accepted his sweet hug without pause. When the hug was moving to face one another I didn't turn my head. It felt more natural to look at him and smile and that's when he came in for that kiss and I kissed him right back, happy to do so. Still, no thought it would be "THE KISS OF ALL KISSES" Yet that's exactly what happened. It went from aww this feels so sweet, to aww we are kissing to....wait what? to WOW.... If I had been wearing socks, the man would have knocked them right off!!!

As we parted and moved away from one another (which we moved far FAR away from each other)  the room was spinning for me as I was completely wowed and just trying to figure out how that happened. Just then...he made a comment (almost to himself) "...very left field"

Yes, so left field, so completely unexpected and a very lovely surprise. 
I was looking at him with this stupid grin on my face when he made that comment and I noticed he was a bit stunned himself however, he was more grounded than I was in that moment and that's when he came toward me but when he started moving toward me I was able to move toward him too....we kissed again.

The Kiss of All Kisses was followed by exploring and expanding upon it. It was absolutely incredible. And that is where the physical portion of this story ends.

For me: It just wasn't the kind of kiss that you take it "all the way," because it had that...now is not the time...written all over it. 

It was more the kind of kiss that you leave in that spot, you savor it, you play with the energy, you enjoy it and use it  to create while you....ever so slowly-begin to come down from it (hoping you don't ruin it by inserting weird stuff on the way down...)and if nothing ever comes of it..... it remains wonderful exactly where it was left

In the three years that I have been single, wild (sometimes) and free... I have only had one other Kiss of ALL KISSES and that too was "where the physical ended" and I'm so glad!!! 

Both times, I got a follow up text. 

The first kiss of all kisses (I'm only talking about my now) that gentlemen apologized to me for not making love to me as he said "I know you wanted me to."
​That was true and that was also false because everything he told me, all the data he provided told me he wouldn't be able to handle having sex that soon in our connection and in his inability to handle sex that soon in our connection, I would end up paying the price for that emotionally and spiritually -so for me...that kiss also received a perfect score as it was left. When a man tells me anything, I listen very carefully. 

This time, this gentleman did a similar thing only he did it in a different way. He wanted to make sure he didn't do anything that upset me and he wanted me to know he enjoyed the experienced and he hoped I did to. 

In both cases, I felt these men were good to do the follow through. It felt like they were also both doing a little fishing to see how I would respond (even though they both knew they had the power to make me swoon) and I also felt like I was being tested in a sense.

The first time this happened, the man did not tell me how the experience was for him. He just told me what he knew was true for me. And he was looking for a relationship. As in right now and maybe yesterday but only as it related to his own sense of how things are done. 

This gentlemen was in a different place in his life, he was full in his work and full in his connections and he was full in his communication too. He let me know, he enjoyed our time together and hoped I did to (Rather than telling me, he was hoping) That's well done there. 


And this is where it gets tricky for me because I'm generous with my appreciation.

It just comes flowing out when I feel good on my own insides.

I don't care if that's their normal. As in, if they experience the kiss of all kisses with all women, every woman...that is not my business. 

I only know.... That kiss of all kisses does not happen to me every day and I want them to know that because it's my truth, it felt so good and I want them to know that it felt good and I'm also not asking for anything.

Now what happens for men when they receive that from me, isn't really about me, it's about them.

Typically you can tell where a man is at by how well he is able to receive generosity in the form of verbal appreciation. You know, we are supposed to play the game, the cool game and yadda, yadda, yadda. 

To me that isn't even logical... so I don't play that game however I DO and I AM mindful about how I present my appreciation. 

I do consider both of us. I ask myself:  What will let me be really true to myself while honoring the potential (and the probability) that the person on the receiving end might not be able to handle receiving from me? 

You know, men are sometimes suspicious of us women. Living in their past or comparing us to all that came before us, or they seem to think they know me better than I know me sometimes...so I never know how "me being me," is going to land -I can only guesstimate based on the information/data/sense I am given. 

If I can sense this type of resistance is a possibility, I begin with an invitation or a request to just allow what I'm going to say to land as it lands without any worry, pressure or fuss... I lay my appreciation on and then I am complete at the level I feel free in. 

Whatever happens after that is not up to me. 

And now that I am three years out (or in), have experienced so many things in my now single life...

I now have the capacity (as in truly) to just let it be...and then it's right back to my geekery where I feel most at home.

Now this man also provided me with a lot of data regarding the truth of his life, work, significant relationships. All of the what and where he will be traveling to for the next 6 months of his life and that will be thousands of miles away from this island. In his ability to be very full bodied in his communication with me, he left me with no need to guess or wonder on any level. To me, that's freedom and maturity and that feels very good to me. 

I have zero expectations regarding anything and it's left in this perfect place. That is what makes it perfect.

He's given me absolutely no reason what-so-ever to feel anything other than good and to me...that could really be every single man's goal with every woman he meets. To make sure he's holding his own shape and that a woman is left feeling good. 

Me after the kiss of all kisses..... 

Having nothing to do with: The Kiss of All Kisses :) which was days ago....this fall just happened a few hours ago... Unrelated yet interestingly and ironically connected because the pain was so extraordinarily painful that again.... I almost fainted!!!! 
​That's twice in one week....Goodness!

I was trying to get my smallest take-on luggage out of the top of my closet.
I have 5 pieces of luggage all stuffed inside the other and I wanted the smallest one. So I stood tippy toed to retrieve and when I experienced the fall of all falls ( I mean for me and I mean in my now)

I somehow managed to fly like a frightened squirrel through the air as my big toe landed directly on the corner of one of my dumb bells. Holy crap.... did that HURT!!!!!!! 

The impact was such that blood began to pour out of the sides of my big toe nail. The pain was so beyond what I could tolerate. So much so I began to moan my way into my bathroom leaving a trail of blood along the way as I ran cold shower water over my toe.

The blood just kept coming. I began to notice my moans sounded suspiciously similar to the lady some place in my block who clearly lives an orgasmic life. I can hear her pretty good and it always makes me smile as I say to myself or out loud "Good for you sister!" 

However, my moans were coming from just how much pain this one toe was causing me.
I began to feel my moans were important to my ability to calm my own system down -at the same time- as I could feel the pain so brutal I began to feel the room spin, nausea -as sweet developed above my eye brows. I know that sensation, the pre-might faint sensation. I had to just lay down for a second. 

I thought of my younger brother in this moment because he actually had the fall of all falls many years ago. When I thought of him as I was feeling this incredible pain in my toe -I felt like such a baby.

My -fall of all falls -and the pain I was experiencing was my big little toe nail.
The impact of his fall 60 feet from a tree was such that his bones moved through the bottom of his feet and back up again.
Now I'm not really into comparing pain. It just happens to be.. that I have this brother who endured something beyond my imagination and that's where my thoughts floated to with my little bitty fall of all falls.


I tried to not be a baby but that whole thing where I was trying to say this isn't as bad as it could be...didn't work so good.
​So instead I just kept moaning and I began to moan with intention which turned into some kind of moan/chant. ​

that's when the pain began to lesson enough for me to recall I had just made an entire tray of fresh aloe ice cubes! So I wobbled to the freezer- got an Aloe ice cube and sat down to allow the aloe ice cube to do its magic.

Before I was able to do this - The pain and how the blood was flowing indicated to me...my big toe nail may be falling off from the blood underneath it pushing it up. I could also see a bruise was already there. 

Some place during the relief of the cold and the aloe -I began to feel like it's possible my big toe nail falling off might not happen but it still could happen. It is the same exact toe nail that just healed from a hiking injury last year!!! 

Either way it felt like I was doing the perfect thing for my little fall of all falls.

I began to watch with fascination as the aloe ice cube began melting.

​It was melting much slower than an actual ice cube and it was also seeping into the side of my toe nails as if it was doing what it is meant to do.
Rather than water drops moving down and out it was moving in and toward what needed to be healed.

As this was happening I felt happy again.

I grabbed a big bandaid and wrapped that sucker around my toe with aloe -still in the form of ice and just allowed it to be confined to do its magic with protection.
​
I will do that again two more times this evening and again a few more times tomorrow and see how this goes. I have no idea what will happen 

I also have this other thing going on right now that I have to handle and the timing is simply terrible on so many levels and from every angle.... 

ah..life....to be fully alive.....

Me after the Fall of All Falls. When you are single there is no one in the room to record or remind you or know things...SO I like to handle that by recording and remembering moments in my own way. This is why I love taking pictures and this is also why I love writing in this blog...my me just being me....live journal....:) 

​​And I leave for the BIG ISLAND in less than 36 hours.....

Stay Tuned

Am I a unicorn looking for other unicorns? You would think so if you listen to the rules of our current dating culture. 
I was thinking there has to be someone on the planet who is in the same space as me. There just has to be and I bet in those connections...it would feel really good to connect there with another human being. 
It wasn't  a "must be," in that space as much as....I felt I would be most easily and most effortlessly understood. 


-Legitimately divorced 
-Absolutely single. 
-Truly available. 


It is now my experience that there are many many single people and many of them are single but they are not "really available," and it seemed to me....I may be one of those people. 

I really haven't been all that sure lately yet through my connection with these men I get to see, it isn't that I'm not available because I am. 

Mid-life, there can be a deeper element as it relates to:
"I don't want to die alone" rather than I want to have an enriching relationship where we enhance the quality of each other's existence. The power of "now" becomes a very powerful pull. ​

At this point...I can smell the difference. And I don't like how that "I'm lonely and I want YOU to fill me now!"  smells. 


I'm sorry, the kitchen is closed. 


(That's something my Dad would say to us kids at night so we didn't start a fire and burn our own house down) except he didn't say I'm sorry. He just said the kitchen is closed and I'm becoming less and less sorry about my kitchen being closed. ​

But, if you are interested in attracting the Kababalah based concept of the Soul Mate partner, you have to cultivate your cyclic connection with yourself and move away from desperation." -reader


"Release the NEED for a male partner and cultivate the wisdom and self centered power within your core."-reader

Stay tuned...

I've been thinking a lot about Jesus this past week. Floating thoughts coming in and moving through.
Something happened in my life in 1995 that caused me so much anger that I was really angry with God and there was really nothing anyone could do to help me at that time. The pain was just too strong. However, I quickly discovered by not believing in anything I was becoming depressed at a level that felt like...if I didn't do something, if I didn't find something..I would be doomed. Not to hell, but to becoming one of those empty shell people who just never recovers. Something about that didn't appeal to me and I'm pretty sure it was because I had this beautiful little boy who needed his mother to be okay.

From there, my relationship to God (spirit, the universe) shifted. It was more like the lyrics from Alicia Keys-fallin. 



Sometimes I love ya
Sometimes you make me blue
Sometimes I feel good
At times I feel used
Lovin' you darlin'
Makes me so confused

I keep on fallin'
In and out of love with you
I never loved someone
The way that I love you

Through that experience and after seeing "The Passion of Christ," I bought my own bible because I wanted to read it from front cover to back cover and feel what felt the most true to me based on the rhythm of my own heart space.

That took me a really long time to do, but I did it. In this way, what I was actually doing was formulating and cultivating a deeper, more personal and much more fulfilling relationship. From the space of my own heart...I felt Jesus's words were the only real truth that I could relate to. As in, only the words in my bible that were written in red felt like truth landing on me softly. If nothing else, the stories and the embodiment of Jesus is a very good idea. Yet it seems like how we interpret those stories varies so much. 

Through my travels, studies and the rhythm of my own heart space, I felt Jesus as pure love and as loving purely and as truth. However, I had to really go through my own process in order to get there. And I also actually experience and feel that level of pure love, loving purely and truth in any place of worship regardless if Jesus is at the center or not. For me, it's not about who is at the center in community as much as it's about how the people feel to me. To me, goodness can be felt much more deeply within the space of worship. I can feel what lifts me up and I can also feel what doesn't. I can feel this at the center of my own heart space. So it's really hard for people to force their beliefs onto me because I have to feel it deeply. It has to move through all of my senses and that also includes my brain. It's all connected for me. 

Therefore when people hide behind Jesus in a way that feels like a lack of humanity, I want so much to defend him based on the goodness and the connection I have cultivated with him through my own process. In the same way, I feel protective of my own mother, or my son, or a dear friend or anyone that I love. 

When I meet men who embody everything that Jesus represents, I feel good around those men and the truth for me has been... some of the most Jesus like men I have met have been atheists. Normally, they have a humanitarian "we are one" spirit and to me, that is actually what it means to be like Jesus. Some famous one's.... 

Richard Branson 
He says he thinks “religion has done a lot of harm over the years,” and that evolution and science are at direct odds with religion. Presumably referring to concepts like intelligent design and creationism, which are conservative Christian responses to evolution, Branson said,
Anyone who questions evolution I find completely and utterly bizarre. Evolution is magnificent, that’s all I can say.
I see myself as a humanitarian who loves people. Maybe one day somebody will be able to convince me that there is a God, and there is a particular God. But to me, I love people, and that’s to me the most important thing

Or Mr Christopher Hitchens 

The only position that leaves me with no cognitive dissonance is atheism. It is not a creed. Death is certain, replacing both the siren-song of Paradise and the dread of Hell. Life on this earth, with all its mystery and beauty and pain, is then to be lived far more intensely: we stumble and get up, we are sad, confident, insecure, feel loneliness and joy and love. There is nothing more; but I want nothing more.” 
― Christopher Hitchens, The Portable Atheist: Essential Readings for the Nonbeliever

Or our recent earth loss of Steven Hawking 

Remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and wonder about what makes the universe exist,” Hawking said of the meaning of life. “Be curious. And however difficult life may seem, there is always something you can do and succeed at.”

​I know, I've said all of this before... I am repeating myself....(most likely) 

For me......There was something about the actors eyes in the movie The passion for Christ.
I saw my own eyes reflected back to me, I looked over at my son and I saw Christ in his eyes too. It wasn't just that...his eyes were  the image I had been carrying in my imagination- if I had ever met Jesus, that is what his eyes would look like. Although, I was raised in a Roman Catholic Family, I went to Catholic school, then even when I went to public school I was still in CCD classes and all the things.... This expanded to my son going to private schools. Even when I no longer considered myself a Catholic. However it wasn't just the back story of my own story.  When I say I saw Jesus reflected in my own eyes and my son's eyes, it wasn't just our mutually sparkling brown/hazel eye color. It was actually deeper than that for me personally. 

I was having some kind of cosmic expansion in a sense (as fu fu as that may sound to others)  In a similar way where I didn't actually write "Navigational Skills for Stepfamilies" as much as it came through me. It's an odd thing to have that awareness. This isn't mine but it's coming through me somehow. It has to do with me but it's not really all that personal or for me type of thing. It wasn't that roll out the red carpet, it was more...oh, we are all divine and we are all beautiful and it can all be found in our eyes. It's that whole "Namaste" thing or seeing the innocence thing...or whatever. 


I used to have a boyfriend who was a carpenter. When you asked him what he did for a living, he would say "I'm a carpenter...Jesus was a carpenter." He was very endearing and when I think of him, no matter what the content is in between from meeting to transitioning to living our lives individually, when I think of him, those are the moments I think about. That allows me to experience the goodness that is him. In that way, I am free and he is free from my holding him hostage for a past that no longer exists. 



Mother Mary, as an example. The angel Gabriel appeared to Mary to give her the divine download. She would be the mother of Jesus.

Many women on the planet receive their divine downloads and they give birth to many things, not just children. 

She's is deeply symbolic for millions of people all over the world.

You really can't touch Mary because there is nothing to touch and because she's a divine saint. All I know is, there isn't anything in me that wants to do her any harm.

I also feel the same exact way about Mary Magdalene, who has also been dubbed to be a Saint. She's a key player and central to narratives of Jesus' resurrection. ​(Easter is coming you know.....) 

So my son's name is Joseph and his fathers name is Joseph and in a very real way..there is a similar theme since my son actually does work for his father. (Freaky, I know!) An "inherited occupation." 
There was a little underlining pressure that I was supposed to embody "Mother Mary," and I did and do from a certain angle, however I absolutely do not within the frame work laid out. I've already written about that.... on many different levels and layers...

You know, Easter is coming up. I'm feeling my family. My own parents, the first Easter without my Dad.

Considering all the pain that comes with crucifixion, I do love this image of Jesus laughing.
For me it's symbolic at this time and within my own connection and how I experience him.

He's happy that I'm recovering from the loss of my own father.
He's happy that people are taking a stand in the places they do have power to do so. I feel good and light and peaceful with these thoughts. That tells me they are the right thoughts for..."me being me." 

AND these words from earlier in this entry..... also brings me peace: (c0-existence) 
​
The only position that leaves me with no cognitive dissonance is atheism. It is not a creed. Death is certain, replacing both the siren-song of Paradise and the dread of Hell. Life on this earth, with all its mystery and beauty and pain, is then to be lived far more intensely: we stumble and get up, we are sad, confident, insecure, feel loneliness and joy and love. There is nothing more; but I want nothing more.” 
― Christopher Hitchens, The Portable Atheist: Essential Readings for the Nonbeliever
​


I love the Serenity prayer. 

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

I use it as often as I can in different spots. 

For me-as it relates to things like common sense gun laws-we do actually have the power to put a safety systems in place. Therefore, I feel very strong, good and very alive and clear in "courage to change the things I can." In that space based on the rhythm of my own heart beat...it's so simple. (For me) if something really can be done, no matter how hard or long the road ....wonderful

For other things, In places where I don't actually know what the right thing to do is and I don't have to actually make those big decisions, acceptance of those things I can not change....feels really good to me to.

It's a wonderful little prayer as far as I'm concerned. 

Floating thoughts, reflection and deep love...feels good to me...

Stay tuned

I am so grateful for the  amazing women in my life. They are good for my soul, good for my health and well-being. The deeper a woman is in her sisterhood consciousness, the more she loves her own gender, the more mature she is, the deeper I can connect to her and it seems, the older I get, that becomes much more important to me. 
No pettiness. No competition. No trying to get me to align with them but rather -allowing me the space and dignity to be where I am at this time.

For me, it's reverence and flow. 

With these types of women I don't have to repeatedly drain myself to remind them to show up with as much reverence for me as they have for themselves. They are like me in this way.

Since I offer that - it is really lovely to have that be what's leading, natural and reciprocated.
The other day at lunch in our authentic conversations, one of the women said to me "You're also experiencing biological, hormonal  and physiological changes as a woman and I want to remind you to remember that because being gentle with yourself is important at this time" Her words were like butter to my soul. I thought "yes. I did forget about that part" 
I so appreciate her reminding me of my truth rather than trying to fix, tweak or change me. It is so nice to be heard. 
​
She respects our differences, enjoys our similarities- as she holds her own shape.
Our connection did not start out that way. Here's how our meeting began
She showed up with her Boss Woman on.
I was a very clear No, You are not my Boss Woman.
Neither one of us felt good about the other and it was left in that space.

The next time I saw her, I was very happy to see her because I didn't like how that went down. How I showed up. I apologized for my part. She accepted my apology and she apologized for her part. Then I invited her into my space and offered her some soup. Once in my space she began to melt into a relaxed state. "There is something about your space, I'm feeling very relaxed here" I hear that all the time from people.

The goodness of my soup was also pretty helpful.

We began to share openly and honestly and that included how we experienced each other that day and all of our thoughts about each other. We ended up laughing about that. She shared her default is to be the boss lady. I shared it is my default to reject that type of thing. Yet these aren't bad things. Her boss is a solid quality that's very good and my ability to remind people they aren't my boss is a very good thing too. Yet in that moment...her Vata was out of balance and my Pitta was out of balance. Once we got back into our own natures, it all worked out so beautifully and I have to say, it's been over a month, I see her all the time, we have shared many meals and we haven't had any issues or breakdowns since. We just keep leaning into wanting to enhance and enrich each others lives. As our focus continues to be that, we are learning so much about one another and we just keep becoming more and more impressed with each other. She's amazing. She has a deep reverence. 

I'd have completely missed out on knowing her had I been willing to leave it below the line of affinity. I'm so grateful that doesn't sit well with me. I'm even more grateful that she accepted my invitation to....try again. Grateful. Grateful. Grateful. 
Now we laugh and laugh and connect and eat and....we laugh....
And we have a few projects we are doing together. It's been amazing...

 Strangers send me things on the daily. They are like a box of chocolates..I never know what I'm going to get.... however, recently.... in that "request" space that facebook has for instant messenger, I received (From a stranger) An image of my former spouse with his new family, a link to his "The Knot," wedding announcement link and an article about his future wife. 
When I looked on this strangers profile, I noticed this person was a landmark graduate. I will come back to how I felt about that later...

What would cause a stranger to feel compelled to forward me these things is far less interesting to me than my experience of these visuals and what I read. However, I just posted something about "my stepdaughter" the other day and other things that could have prompted this. I'm like "What does this stranger thing I am...Jennifer Aniston or something? Someone is spying on us both? Seeing how this all plays out? As I said, I will come back to how I feel about an educated landmarkian doing this...later... for now.... as far as me being me is concerned.....


It is often in retrospect I become aware something is complete or gone for me. I looked at that happy family image and it made me feel warm. What I saw and what I read... I'm aligned with much of what I read about so there isn't anything in that article that doesn't make sense to me. I think he is marrying very well indeed and I believe he's found someone who is just like him in a lot of ways. I think that's awesome. 

And I also saw.....

A choice, a lifestyle that I do not want or desire in any way. That too was awesome for me!!!! 


I love this line from "The Mirror has Two faces: 


Rose Morgan: Why don't you get the coffee? 


Hannah Morgan: I've buried a husband, I've raised two daughters. I've made my coffee.


I would be Hannah and I've had my coffee. What I mean by that is, I'm good, full and complete on the life of raising humans and all of that stuff. I already did that (since I was 19 years old) 

Fullfilment (it seems to me) is subjective, fluid and highly individual.

More people filled him.

Less people filled me.

Ah, my sweet former marriage.
It's the story of the tortoise and the hare.
Only we both win ​

Through my current reality with the loss of my father, I wasn't really paying attention to the truth that I am totally over my marriage body/ mind and soul and at a level I wouldn't have understood or known.

So thank you stranger... 

I do however want to talk about being a landmark graduate and rather than applying those tools to enhance your own life, instead you are sending someone's former spouse images and links... As a landmark graduate, it makes me wonder if you "Got it." 

The gift of landmark. Expansion (Our own) and a community of expansion (Others) While I do appreciate the interest, it feels like that isn't something a landmark graduate would be interested in doing. But I don't know that, I have an unrealistic expectation....I felt a judgment around that. 

This is not terrible behavior on anyone's part, it's just mostly...odd. (to me) 

More and more each day, I'm becoming present to the massive difference between my every day reality world (the space where I live and all the people in it) vs the on-line world of strangers. Landmark is something that I love but I don't love it in a blind way. I feel the same way about a lot of technologies however the two that I compare the most are landmark vs scientology. 

As it relates to my experience with both technologies in Landmark vs Scientology, having access and being open to digging into both technologies has created an awareness that people who think they are divided and are learning different things (One better than the other)  are actually all learning the same principles.

It's just delivered to them differently.
​
All the courses in Landmark (including the wisdom course) is only slightly different (context wise) than the bridge in Scientology.
I am personally grateful for both.
Co-existence is more my thing. 

Take what will work for you and disregard the rest...is also one of my things 

It doesn't matter what any organization is or what technology is available, people will do what they do and that is true in all realms. 

Here is what I'm now noticing. 

While I continue to go to the places to enhance the quality of my own existence and I'm careful about where I go and with whom because I'm still working on acceptance with the loss of my father. I know what I need and I now know what makes it worse for me at this time, so I'm very careful with my own life energy. 

I have met humans from all over the world who are all taking on their humanity growth via different principles, practices, religions, mind sets and more.

Mostly I have been meeting  people who don't have a negative response to the vast collection of information I have accumulated over the last two decades.

I have these moments with deeply religious people who are just as curious about Scientology as they are about Landmark or any other resource because like me, they are looking for the similarities and ways to relate and expand their awareness to find principles and places that have the power to connect them to their stand that "we are one."

​

So thank you stranger...for reminding me of my own humanity, for allowing me to see how clean and free I feel, for reminding me that we all want different things and mostly for letting me see and feel what an amazingly wonderful choice our divorce was for both of our greater good.

I appreciate you

Stay tuned 

The other day I came across this book I began writing at 5 am in the morning in the garden of my own back yard in Pennsylvania when I was married. Within an hour, I had all of these characters moving in their development and a story line that was just flowing out in a stream of creative consciousness. It just kept coming out. One evening in the car with my former spouse, I mentioned I had randomly begun writing a book. It just poured out of me, did he want to know what it's about?" He said yes. As I began to share many details, he was really shocked and impressed that I had this entire story line and all of these people. He said "Wait, you made all of this up a few days ago?" I was like YES!!!! 

Fast forward to this week. When I put some attention on this incomplete book I began to feel that aliveness. I recognized, I've been feeling like my writing is "work" which has made me feel like all I do is WORK! I'm working, I'm working...I'm working. As soon as I put my work aside and put this book back to my front and center, I felt this excitement moving through me. I shared this with my friend Natalie and she said "You are very lit up right now!" She could feel my next level aliveness. She could see it radiating outward just as I had been feeling it. I love when people see me accurately LOL 
Anyway... I've decided to take a break from the work writing and move into this for the weekend in between other work. 

"......During afternoon tea mid summer, Jenna filled Adriana in on everything one must know about her new neighbors on Lakeview Lane. As Adriana moved in during a time when the other three houses where empty because those three families left for the summer. 
The last house on the left of Adriana's lived a couple from India. Jenna said they kept to themselves, had no children yet and often had lots of family gatherings over the weekends where the women were in traditional Indian Dress.  She said they were lovely gentle people and she still didn't know how to pronounce their names properly but their first names were Dineshh and Sushma. 
 To the far right of Adriana's house-The Hank family resided. According to Jenna, This family had two teenage boys and everyone in the family was an athlete of some sort. Jenna explained "they are rarely home and now that the  boys are scheduled to get athletic scholarships for college so they are all always "in training." 
Jenna told her that sometimes she played tennis with the boys mother, Anne Hank. For Jenna, Anne was nice enough and also only ever wanted to talk about her boys and their athletic abilities so she tried to schedule tennis with Anne once a month because that's all she could handle. 
Adriana smiled at Jenna's candor. That was one of the several endearing personality traits about Adriana loved about Jenna. A part of what made her an enjoyable friend to have. 
Jenna didn't have a filter. She said exactly what was on her mind at all times, in Adriana's eyes that made her a safe and trustworthy person. 
The house to the right, directly next to hers was the neighbors Adriana was most interested in learning about though. 
That's the house that would be able to see Adriana when she was in her  kitchen, her sun room and even her bedroom because all of those rooms had big glass panels instead of walls. The remodel was built with the view of the lake in mind and it was absolutely breathtaking. Looking out any of these rooms offered Adriana a view of the beautiful lake. However the houses were designed where you could also see the house on the right as well. 
Jenna's house was surrounded with tall trees that made it seem more private yet still accessible. Adriana knew when the fall and winter months came, her house would be exposed. She would be exposed in a way she hadn't had to think about with the family on the right being away for the summer. She needed some privacy to continue her sensual therapy work. A huge part of Adriana's sense of being a sensual desirable woman had been completely and severely shut off during the final four years of her marriage. Dr Leborski gave her specific exercises and practices for her to do at home to access and reclaim what he says is "rightfully" hers. A return to owning and accepting her own sexual nature and learning ways to Fulfill herself. The theory was, if she was able to access and expand her own sexual energy, enjoy her own essence and body, it would be a beautiful way to live her best life post divorce and moving forward. 
This, Adriana felt was critical work for herself. 
She had remodeled and redecorated her new home with her needs in mind. The bedroom, kitchen and sun room where the rooms she was most intentional about. To flow through her own home and be able to do her sensuality exercises daily and flow into the rooms she used the most. 
She designed her bedroom to bust with Lush amethyst and lavender colors with an obscene amount of white candles every size imaginable, and carefully selected sculptures and other art work that represented and pulled out her sensual desires or had a sacred sensual goddess intention.  The master bathroom was also adorned similar as her bedroom with her enormous bathtub and unbelievable 10 shower head shower. It was completely over indulgent and more than Adriana could have ever wanted. The only thing Adriana splurged excessively on though was a sound system that went through every room in her house and with the flip of a switch, also continued to bring the music of her choice out to her backyard. 
Playing and summer dinners on the deck as the dinner music played gently in the back while lightening bugs glistened through the back yard leading to the lake, the sound system brought a detail to an already exquisite scene and took it to the next level. She had spent countless hours gathering music choices to accommodate her new lifestyle and the hours have been well spent. 
Truly the most relaxing and enjoyable summer Adriana had in a very long time. She had the Walker family all to herself. Jenna, her husband John and little Johnny walker were like family to her now. And it was all coming to an end. The summer, the outside dinners, the ease and peacefulness of an essential ghost town,  the privacy.. would all be gone with the season changing and as the family who lived in the house to the right...returned home. Adriana felt something around this change of seasons. 
At tea that mid summer day, Jenna had saved the best for last...


The house on the right. 
The Dugan family. According to Jenna, the Dugan family is normally home all summer long. However, Lance Dugan took his two daughters Sarah  and Shaina to France for the summer after coming home from work and finding their mother had left, again.
Taken by surprise, "Again?" Adriana had inquired 
"Yes, again! Jenna explained a little sadly. She continues "Lauren Dugan has a habit of going off her meds and taking off for months. The Dugan's moved in about a year after John and I. We were thrilled because we both had new born babies. We did everything together and boy did we have a lot of fun! There were signs sometimes that Lauren had some mental issues and sometimes refused to take her medication and Lance was a champion with her. He just loves her so completely. During the tough times he would just work his business from his home office until she was well again and sometimes that took a few months. When our kids where about 9 years old, I went over for some morning coffee. Lauren and I were planing something fun for the children. Yet when I arrived the front door was open. Sarah was sitting all alone in front of the TV. When I asked her where her mother was, she told me "My mom left again and she said this time, she's never coming back" 
I had to call Lance  and break that news to him. I hated having to do that. He was devastated and hired every investigator to find Lauren. He worked from home and took care of Sarah. After a year he got a call that the investigators found Lauren. He dropped Sarah off at our house to go to Mexico to get her. After a few days, he returned with Lauren but we didn't see her or push because we figured there had to be a lot to work out. Two weeks later she gave birth to another little girl. They named her Shaina. Lauren stayed on her meds for about three years after Shaina was born. She took off again, but Lance found her within hours this time because he put a GPS in her cell phone. And now, three years later, she took off again. This time she left her cell phone at home."
Jenna continued on 
"I suppose Lance is too tired to go after her again so he took the girls to France for the summer. He's really warn out at this point. John and I are sad about this and there isn't anything we can do expect whatever Lance and the girls need. That's all we can do at this point."
 
Adriana found herself staring at Jenna with an open jaw. Trying to piece it all together and  process everything Jenna just told her. After a minute or so, Adriana said softly, 
"Wait, are you telling me that this woman left her husband and became pregnant with another mans baby and he took her back and is now raising that child as his own?"
 
Jenna sipped her tea before answering. "Yes, that is exactly what I'm telling you!" 
 Adriana was intrigued and a little baffled by the entire story and this mysterious family. She felt she knew too much and a little uncomfortable with knowing so many intimate details about the inside of the house to the right, the people in it...whom she has never met. 
 She realized, something else was developing in her. A small part of her already wanted to help this family heal. This was exactly what she was working on with Dr Leborki. Her need to rescue. In her mind she said to herself "The Dugan family is none of my business!" Repeating it over and over again in her head.
"The Dugan family is none of my business!" As she was saying that her sense of their return impinging on her privacy shifted to a level of compassion. ​

I'm so excited, I just can't hide it...I know I know I know...I want you.... that's what this book is saying to me LOL 

There are all kinds of ways to excite the senses to have that feeling...and I am so glad

This weekend I am going to stay on this book. 

​Stay tuned

In PA at a flyers game, something happens and there is this thing called a hat trick. I watched all of these people through perfectly good quality hats onto the ice. So I asked "How do they get their hats back? And my sports enthusiastic (she knows everything there is about sports)
Laughs....and laughs...and a year later...she's still laughing.
I didn't know anything about that sort of thing... I was a VIRGIN....

​Fast forward to my arrival to Waikiki...

 When I first arrived


Someone would say "What street?"

I'd say "Umm...ah...hmmmm....I know....it begins with a K"

(about 90% of the streets in Waikiki ...begins with the letter K.) ​

Laughter......and we are still laughing. I don't know, I can't pronounce anything. I'm a VIRGIN 

Many of my Hula Sisters and I are heading to the BIG ISLAND in April for The Merrie Monarch Festivals!!! I've never been to the BIG ISLAND or the Festivals...Both of these things are on my lists of things I want to do and the Hula part is really just something that feels like a dream to me....

​Christina...isms....

It's going to be fun and funny.... I can feel it.....and for me I am going as a student in every way. I'm so fortunate because many of the women know a lot about everything (as I know absolutely nothing) about the Big Island and the Festivals... 
For me, I prefer to know what not to do...so that I may stay in the laugh zone... 
Here's what I read so far....BIG ISLAND SUPERSTITION 
And I don't think I need to chance these things... 

Beware of Night Marchers.
Late at night the sound of distant drums and the sight of a line of torch-carrying marchers signals the return of huaka'i pō, the spirits of hawaiian warriors and kings, to bathe once more in sacred ponds. One is supposed to bow in deference to the Ali`i at the sight of the night-marchers. 



Always stop along the Saddle Road to offer a ride to a hitchiking old hag or a beautiful white haired woman with a white dog.
The fire goddess Pele is supposed to appear to travelers on the Saddle Road in the guise of either an old hag or a beautiful white-haired woman with a white dog just prior to the eruption of Kilauea Volcano. 



Never take pork over the Saddle Road. 
This superstition is purely Hawaiian and its origins come from a turbulent relationship Pele, the Fire Goddess, had with the strong willed half man, half pig, demi-god Kamapua`a. According to the superstition, transporting pork over the Saddle Road will not only anger the fire goddess, but it will disable any vehicle until the pork is removed.



Never take home rocks from the Volcano. 
Removing rocks from the Hawaii Volcanoes National Park as a memento of your visit may leave you cursed with bad luck. If you take a rock home by accident, you can return it to: Pele, c/o Headquarters, Volcanoes National Park, Volcano, HI 96785.

Now that last one.....

You can read this article below....(Just click the button) 

I see no reason to disrupt Pele...Nope...Reverence will be leading me for sure!!! 

So, that's my next adventure/Island Hop.... THE BIG ISLAND


I'm so excited

Stay tuned

As I moved from book writing mode to writing in this blog mode, two drunk male tourists (AirBB people) began to get into a very heated debate about how they both feel regarding the current solution to keep children safe. There was a lot of "You ARE the President of the United States" flying back and forth between all of the four letter words. Voices began to raise rather significantly so I put the song above on, turned my volume up to 100%, having no idea of this would work or not..however it did... there was immediate silence. Now they are having a civilized conversation.

Here in Hawaii, everything is open and it is 1 am in the morning. 

The listening meeting this evening after another horrible incident. 


I'm wondering if anyone saw what I saw as it relates to the last three speakers.


Florida 2018
Sandy Hook 2012 
Columbine. 1999.


Three humans sitting at the tail end of a circle.All of them in this unimaginable club. The kind of club no one ever wants to invite anyone else into. We don't want any more members in this club.
2018:  Dear Sir- Please.
2012: Dear Sir-Do something
1999: Dear Sir- We've developed something that has the power to prevent 3 suicides a week and has prevented 7 school shootings. That's 156 human beings per year that decided to opt back in to being on the planet. Imagine what that number would be if that program was nation wide. That may not happen though because there are all kinds of innovative working models that no one uses or implements. It's all the things everyone says work. Connection is the cure. We have learned this over and over again.


What I also saw within those last three humans in that unimaginable club was three very different stages of grief all sitting together. 
The sensation for Young Sam. When grief and trauma is brand new. When pain is alive pulsating, piercing all the way through. He stops to rub the sandy hook mom's back to comfort her. That was just....heartbreakingly beautiful.
2018:  Dear Sir- Please.

The beautiful mother who lost her six year old five years ago. 
2012: Dear Sir-Do something

Then Rachel's father. 19 years in.  I just watched a video of him from years ago the other day. He's in a completely different stage. He articulates all that we know and all that everyone means when they say "It's not about Guns." 
I absolutely get the mantra “it isn’t about guns,” 
In the same way I get “It isn’t about divorce” In the same way I understand... it isn’t about a child’s hair and on and on this goes. 

Recently, I went back and reviewed as much as I could about what happened at that school on April 20, 1999 because I don't actually remember the details. I was thinking how is that possible that I can barely remember this happening? It's wobbly recollection wise. So I began an inquiry into my own experience... and I got it. 


1995 was a very intense year for me personally. 
It's the year Donovan died (this month), OJ Simpson murdered two people (allegedly for those who need “allegedly”)  That was also the same Year Susan Smith drowned her own boys. Unimaginable, Unimaginable and…Unimaginable. I also left my marriage that year. There was a lot of unimaginable that I began to intentionally tune things out because I couldn't handle it all in my own soul. I couldn't process it all. It was just way too much for me. 
By 1999, I didn't own a T.V. and I was really happy about that. My son had one in his room and than somehow we ended up with two however, I only turned it on to watch Oprah when that was possible. Other than that, I never watched T.V. I missed almost an entire decade of shows and different influences. Almost the entire thing with Michael Jackson. I just wasn't "tuned in." and it wasn't because I didn't care, it was as simple as, I just couldn't. And when you can't...you can't. I couldn't, so I didn't. 

And that's why I had very little context about April 20, 1999 and my lack of awareness sent me on an investigative journey. I read many articles and watched hours upon hours of videos, in between other things. I noticed all the similar human behaviors when trauma happens and some of the more raw footage of both then and now I watched over and over again. Same ages, same natural responses. There is a video from 1999 where high school kids are sitting on a sofa being interviewed just after this happened. Their shock, their state, their ability to articulate their own experience-exactly the same as those high school students traumatized last week. What I'm doing is I'm studying raw footage then and now. I'm paying very close attention to all the details. I'm having my own experience, getting intimately connected on various levels. I'm moving through the years with these people. I'm doing my thing. I'm going all the way in for a long period of time. I call this: Research and my intention in doing this has nothing to do with the need to be right and everything to do with my own nature and my desire to be intimately connected in all the places where I am being organically pulled. 

Some might and others won't because it needs to be their big idea, Their person in office, their values, their beliefs more than it needs to be the keeping the children safe. You know, every parent has a very different Idea about what it means to keep a child safe. 

There is no such thing as, one answer for all families. There is no such thing as one thing working. Every community has their own natural rhythm.

​You'r probably right and you are probably wrong. I am probably right and I am probably wrong. And none of that matters, what matters is a child's ability to go to school and learn safely without fear they may die or without them actually dying. 

So let's get some common sense gun laws nationwide. AND...whatever else will work in each county, in each state, in each community. 

After all, parents aren't always able to do that, to see clearly or to know what the heck to do to help their children sometimes and that is true for all the reasons and in all the places people want mental illness to be handled. Very good parents who are doing all the things all the other good parents are doing do not have a crystal ball. 
Do you know that there are approximately 45 thousand women in private groups on line trying to help themselves and each other with one topic only. Hormonal balancing. These are young women from the age of 15 to women my age and older. These are mothers who feel powerless in helping their own daughters through their daughters struggles because hormonally speaking, they have never had the experience their young daughters are having. How do you help your daughter with hormonal imbalances you did not experience yourself? And how do you help your daughter when she has been misdiagnosed 3 times and given medication that often exasperates the problems and sometimes induces suicidal thoughts. 

Now, it's twenty-three years later for me as a woman who was almost misdiagnosed, a few times. This issue still exists and many women are just now getting the help they need and some of them, the mental health and gynecology field has not had the power to help them. Do you know what Doctors are now recommending? ​“Ayurveda” Something that has been around for over 5000 years. 

Twenty three years later and this issue still exists. You know, you can't get help for something when the mantra is "Don't be negative" and "Put your Big Girl panties on, simmer down, just be kind" that really hasn't had the power to help anyone. 

Ever since I have been taking a very strong stand on Common Sense Gun Laws, people are once again coming out of the woodwork to let me know "It's not about guns" I have one friend, she's a very strong supporter of "He Who Shall Not Be Named," and she's also this great woman full of heart and love. She does not bother me one bit. I respect her because she is also taking a stand in what she believes in. She's not afraid to say it and she is also mindful and respectful. She has both. 

However, with a stranger who hasn't taken the time to connect with me in any real way...who is still living in the right/wrong -win/lose (and with anything related to government...conspiracy theories) 
I have this moment where I become oddly curious. I wonder what is going on in their world that they feel entitled to lay aggression on a woman they don't even know, who isn't in their life...page. I think why do they think this is okay? I'm pretty straight forward and direct and sometimes I will ask a bullseye question that has the power to bring out the fullness of the aggression.
I'm the same exact way when a stranger sends me a picture of his private parts. I ask bullseye questions. That usually wakes them up or shakes them up. It depends on where they are, what state they are in and what their real intention is. It does not depend on me, it depends on them. The calmer and clearer I am, the more they feel something. People who are worried about looking a certain way socially, the very thought that anyone can see this exchange, sends them into a complete rage. The other day someone I don't ever see or hear from tells me to "do my research." Our connection was almost three years ago. I'm aware of his feelings about the government. I'm aware he has all of these conspiracy theories. I'm aware he looks for these things intentionally. I'm aware he's also a father of daughters and I'm also aware he subscribes to "He is King and he's looking for his Queen" and all of these things he is totally free to do, be and believe. Yet I'm also aware I haven't seen or spoken to him in three years and anything is possible, anything can change, any new developments can be developed. However in this "King" thing... his arrogance "Do your research" he's saying to a person who is actually....a researcher and spends about 30 hours a week on research alone for many reasons (Including my books) So he comes on wearing his arrogance crown and I hit him with a bullseye question. Right away, that I'm King comes flowing out "Don't disrespect me" and there it is...
I don't think people understand how deeply, how reverently I am listening to them when they tell me who they are. I haven't seen this man in 3 years and I remember everything he told me about who he was and what his beliefs are and how he experiences his own existence. That actually is me respecting another person. He's super fantastic in many areas of his existence so there is no real upset for me or concern. And, no, you may not come onto my page after three years of nothingness and tell me to do my research. I see everything you post to. I scroll where and when something doesn't feel like truth to me and then I open and enjoy the other things that I do actually appreciate and if I do, I will like or share them. 

And all of this is good medicine for me to see me and to really create an internal stand on the line between giving and taking. What is okay for me and what isn't and why. In addition to that, what kind of person/woman/leader do I want to be? How much can I stand in my stand without being willing to be knocked down by aggression? The resistance. The never ending human trait of trying to push someone around vs allowing them to be who they are and where they are and seeing them as being a powerful influence for change. The base line human need to be known, seen and heard? The need to be liked socially vs doing the right thing from where you are and owning all of who you are? 

Are you doing your research in all the places that will prove you right or are you doing your research with the intention of truth seeking from the place of non attachment? And for the purposes of yourself or for the purposes of truly helping other human beings move into a more harmonious life? 
Are you up my ass because you are politically charged and loyal to your person, your vote or your beliefs? Are you trying to shut me up? Shut me down? Get me to stop? And if you are, why do you think you are entitled to that? 
As an older gal who is past all that parental stuff and who works with families, parents are the worst in grasping the concept that they are not other adult people's authorities. In other words, you have no power here. 
And we normalize this behavior. Now what if I was mentally ill? What if I was deep in depression and this level of aggression had the power to take me out? What if I was one of those mid life women living alone with a level of hormonal imbalance that makes a woman want to commit suicide? What if. What if. What if? What if I was like Robin Williams?
What if I'm just like that CEO in my town a few years back who had everything everyone wants and none of those things had the power to fulfill my void and after I committed suicide I left all these people utterly shocked as they just couldn't imagine why on earth i did that.

We completely normalize bullying even in adulthood and we also completely normalize and try to shame people into being kind in the same way people smack their children across the face as they shout "You ungrateful little bastard" rather than embodying and cultivating gratitude as a way of being from the inside out. 
So trust me, I am keenly aware of and I completely understand the mantra "it's not about guns," and I'm also keenly aware that it actually is.


It is and it isn't and because it is and it isn't (which is common sense) I'm going to stay inside my stand. And those that are left blaming me for their lopsided relationship with respect me above yourself -will just have to be left in that spot as I continue to work with my mentors and my coaches that help me evolve. I need that and I don't feel any shame about my needs or my stand. 

I have this amazing godson who is a hunter. He has rifles and he has arrows. He also has the maturity of a 50 year old, is both light hearted and very responsible. The world is safe with him owning guns. Aggression isn't something that is in his nature as a default. He talks, he shares, he communicates openly. I love, trust and feel deeply safe with him. He already has common sense. Even on my property where he was allowed to hunt, he made sure to ask the police officer who was given permission to hunt there before him if it was okay. He waited. He waited as long as it took and until all aspects of honor at all levels were handled. He took the meat and fed people with it. No one is trying to take anything away from gun owners like my godson. Common sense gun laws is already who he is. There is no legitimate reason for anyone to be against common sense in my own personal opinion. 
What I'm working on is the balance between being in my stand and holding others whom my stand triggers. I do my best and I find it easier with people I know or people who I have a shared affinity with in other places. What I'm trying to expand on though is all the people who are virtual strangers to me and my lack of patience with the wildly hungry dog in them. I'm like what are you DOING????? 

I've noticed, in my own grief states...as others began to think my grief was the issue, I'm actually becoming aware that it was my inability to remain very clear in my "No's" during those states that was the issue. I felt on shaky ground. Things hit me differently. Things that would normally be water moving down my back. 
Always back to me and it seems so clear, more and more, every day...the more I pay attention to myself, my own states, my own truth, my own intelligence, my own nature... The less power other people have to disturb me. The less power people have to disturb me, the more power I have to help them. 
That's just how it seems to work...with me being me

I'm not always in a pure state of Ho'oponopono...However, it is my desire to be moving in that direction...

​Stay tuned

I don't actually feel I am missing out on the beauty of my my own life by taking a stand for things that become activated inside of me. Yet, there are mindsets and people who do believe their values and beliefs should be mine too. That's okay
​
I still woke up early, still did my mediation, had 55 laughs with other people, worked throughout the day. Mediated again. Enjoyed the farmers market. Cooked this incredible vegan meal which has become this farmers market Saturday ritual for me. That also feels like a moving mediation because I feel so good being in my own kitchen listening to OM Alohas sound tracks on sound cloud. Did yoga. Twice. Downloaded a "Be Bold" business program from a female business owner through a man I know and trust because he helps women rise as he loves, adored and cherished his wife and is a genuine fella. Read her document, which is super sharp and thorough (reminding me of one of my favorite mentors) and I'm super excited about being bold..
However, if you look at my social media focus today, it appears all I was doing is focusing on Gun Control. I really appreciated one woman's comment. "Thank you for being passionate about this topic"
I'm like YES. Thank you so much for hearing me as passionate rather than trying to bend my passion into this negativity. I appreciate it very much.
But there was also a person who commented something about Hitler. Taking the topic some place else. I appreciated that too because it sent me into deeper research and I was able to share my research which took it right back to...Gun Control and NOW. That was cool and all worked out beautifully as far as I'm concerned. Some other posts that I wrote on...I decided to utilise the "turn off notifications" option that we all have access to. If I saw something that I felt would have brought me into anger state -I didn't waste my time there. Notification OFF. ​

There is a saying that people can only meet you as deeply as they have met themselves, however I wonder if it's more true that people can only meet you and hear you from their own emotional tone scale, moment to moment and since life and human beings fluctuate for various reasons and at various times... and on-line-social media "friends," who aren't in our daily life, don't have access to the fullness of our reality.  How reliable and how arrogant is it to assume we know who someone is? I have always found there is a world inside a world and various dimensions to many human beings. 

Consider the fullness of my own day above. All the good that wasn't shared socially. There was a lot of joy in my day. 

We "assume," things...often. It's that human thing....

I just keep leaning into what I need to do to climb up the tone scale ladder. Sometimes it's extra meditation, sometimes it's saying no, sometimes it's flower hunting, sometimes it's completing a communication, sometimes it's taking action for a cause, other times it's simply sharing my microscopic truth and in so doing, that does not mean it has to be someone else's truth. It's something that isn't really based on the facts someone else knows. It isn't really based on cultural trends or what should be my truth. What I do know is, when I do all the things that are supportive of my health and well-being...I float back up to the blue. It's rarely the formula that works for someone else but it does work for me. 

I spent this evening (Saturday night) on one of my Love Affair with Myself Dates. As I've mentioned, I've been craving solitude. Staying in my own space, making myself a nice meal from the farmers market... reading my Love Journal that I've been writing in since May 2015. 
This could be from Ken Page but I don't really know, or remember, it was May of 2015..

My Love Journal Says "When people learn to tell the microscopic truth, their growth is greatly enhanced. In this context, the microscopic truth refers to the deepest and most subtle truth you can see and feel. The microscopic truth is never external. It always refers to truth inside yourself." 

I love this passage. 

And this one
"One of our greatest life tasks is actually to learn to bear joy, and to let it influence our phycology in deeper and deeper ways. In actuality, there is a great cultural discomfort with joy. Joy frightens us, it makes our defenses quake. It almost invites a superstitious fear of "The other shoe dropping." 
I believe that is Ken Page's quotes. 

There is a very wide spectrum with me yet....as I read my own love journal what I walked away with, other than very warm sensations, a lot of laughter (Sometimes at myself) is that.... I really am a love bug...you just can't try to force feed me someone else's values, beliefs or speak for me.

I had this great palm reading. It was forensic level stuff.  She said... that I am the loveliest, kindest person and the only thing that can make me turn is someone impinging on my freedom to be, feel or think for myself. I found this to be true. You can not come to the playground with me and expect me to not hold my own shape. I am like that. For sure. 

She also said I had this incredible lazar like focus. In other words, when I put my attention on something I am deeply focused. This seems true too.  

In addition to this, my brain works very fast and the challenge for me is to take what is inside of my brain and create content and context that works for people so they understand what I'm saying. That I need to give more details. Break it up into digestible pieces. That's actually hard for me sometimes, something I often have to be mindful about and sometimes it feels like too much...too much.... 

Yet as I read my Love Journal...I'm like...this woman is so loving, so forgiving, so hysterical. I mean, I really crack myself up. Best book I've read in a long time :) 

So that's it for now, Just me...being me. 


​Stay tuned