Everything we see defined has been made up by someone. I think it's important to understand that. I think it's super important... rather than to just accept labels and have those labels move into a person's blood stream as truth where they feel there is something wrong with them to the point of shame...we can remove some of these labels and instead lean in.
More and more this whole "At the level of the mind" stuff has been challenging me because it's just so limited and limiting. I think the most responsible thing in the world in the mental health industry would be for any mental health worker to take a deep breath, bring mindfulness into the connection with a client and feel the pulse of the other human being who is sitting in their office and lean into their own humanity, making sure their own grid is clean and clear and they aren't projecting their own personal stuff onto that other human-before they hit that person with the label of being "Co-dependent." In this way, the labeling is unnecessary. Connecting with a person in empathy and compassion can very easily "leak" into the area of transference. And a social/mental health worker who sees the same things day in and day out, will have their own filter if they don't take the time to do their own daily rituals to clean their own internal grid. A person who reaches out and comes to a mental health person for guidance and help is usually in a very vulnerable state. In that vulnerable state, that labeling could very easily turn their hopelessness into a deeper hopelessness. They believe "I am co-dependent" rather than I may be showing up in this with some tendencies.
What is Co-Dependency:
It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual's ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.
Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs. It also describes a relationship that enables another person to maintain their irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behavior.
This is a topic in my book without me mentioning the word co-dependency
Children can happily learn, mommy needs alone time, rest, 20 minutes to meditate? Or for that matter, join her in sitting quietly for 20 minutes? So a child gets bored, let them be bored for 20 minutes as they see their mother taking care of her own mental health. Many of these types of lessons keep children in their hearts so beautifully that there comes a time where they say "Mommy, I'm going to draw so you can do your meditation because that makes you so happy and I like to draw too" How beautiful for children to feel good in their own little bodies as they learn what happy togetherness and supporting each other looks like. 20 minutes or an hour at the gym is not going to scar children for life. It's nonsensical. And if the breast feeding mommies would connect with the bottle feeding mommies, you'd have yourself an entire tribe of women all helping each other so they could all take turns meditating (or whatever)
No, that's not what we pitch mothers. What we pitch mothers (and each other as women) is...run yourself into the ground. That's what mommies are supposed to do. That's what I'm doing so you should be doing it too.
If we are going to talk co-dependency...that would fit too.
Let's talk political for a second? What do you think all of that "never speaking to you again" and defriending on social media stuff actually is? It's that same exact one sidedness. Think my way, believe my beliefs, vote for who I voted for or...you are OUT! And in four years...a new person will be voted for. The sway will go the other way...
If we are going to use "co-dependent" as defined...Our entire world population is co-dependent on some level.
How is that helping anything? And while we all get it because what we let into our lives matters-it still is an added "one sidedness"
Not too long ago I heard from a couple who used the term to play emotional ping-pong war with each other. "I may be co-dependent but so are YOU"
"I'm pretty sure that's you...not me"
Connection. Vulnerability. Strength to stand within the power of one's own heart regardless if rejection should come or not.
"I love you, I miss you and I don't know how to get us back on track"
The direct path to reconnection. Rather than the heavy long drawn out journey of being co-dependent. How about being...co-creators who lead with love.
It is so complex...when you are in it...until you get clear within..and that's a mix and blend of having people around you who can connect and our own ability to see ourselves...all at the same time..
We need each other. Not more labels.
When a Christian sees another Christian moving in the wrong direction ...the same ping-pong game can easily go down. You can take a stand for your brother/sister by using a concept or a bible verse.....
Or- you can be so full of your own joyful faith - you take your brother/sisters hand and led them back into their own connection with the lord. The space that exists between that person and God. That is the most direct route for them. Their connection to their god (Just my opinion)
Landmark education. The big concept is "to make wrong" the very deeply connected landmark people will make you feel seen, known and heard as they give you an invitation to see where it might be possible you are making someone wrong and by doing so, you're not a part of the solution that is possible in the space between any two humans. These landmark graduates take the time to connect. They are reverent and therefore wise and much more effective. Yet, there are others who cut you off mid sentence "you're making him/her wrong" without any reverence or connection to you. They really don't care so much about connection with you or who you are as much as they care about putting the breaks on who you are and they think that's "taking a stand for you" but in order to take a stand for someone they have to trust you and know they can trust you because with you, they are seen, known and heard. It's like they skip over connection. That would be the robotic way. And people are not robots. Effective I am sure -when connection exists and affinity is high and all of that has already been built. Ineffective at other times.
The concept of "making someone wrong" is an amazing tool that is also over used and abused in the same way the term co-dependency is. In the same way detachment is and all of those other terms. Half of the time detachment is such a racket for someone who cares very much but has decided it's hopeless so they won't try or grow themselves. Instead they will shut their heart down.
The beauty of mindfulness, and being connected is...connection lets you know...which one will be effective and with whom.
I think if we really want to take a stand for people in any tribe...at the very least, it starts with connection, empathy and compassion to see where someone is and if you are going to lead someone...mindfulness and wisdom too.
If a term lands people in feeling more shame, not less and if it has them feeling shut down for being human and for having their natural desire to be loved and to have a place to put their love "cut off."
It's worth looking into. Again, that is my personal opinion
This piggybacks off of my last post about women shaming other women for wanting LOVE
Normal and Natural to WANT LOVE
Love...that's one of the biggest lessons we are here to learn and grow in...
But if we MUST USE labels....Let's weave them all together in a solid direction......toward the light....
Let's not make ourselves or someone else wrong for their supposed co-dependency and instead take their hand and lead them back into their connection with their self or their source, higher power or their God.
Him "You don't like it here?"
Her "People are mean"
Him "No, this is a great community, you just have to connect with people like me. There are plenty of us, you just have to be open to us. We are a collection of super cool people!"
Next thing I know...I hear them laughing...and...sometimes..it's just that easy....
Connection...this is what I'm saying!
Till I can't, till I can't, till I can't take no more of it
Take me to the water, drop me in the river
Push me in the water, drop me in the river
Washing me down, washing me down