Sometimes, with some of these men...that's not just about the love they have for their children. It extends to the need to be needed. The givers
"What will my life be without someone needing me?"
Life after divorce for these giving men is not easy, the transition is not easy. It's a process for them. For the first time in their lives, they are asking themselves "What do I want?" The sad truth is this: It has been years since anyone has asked these men what they may want. It's been a life time of giving, expectations, honey-DO lists, providing, protecting, teaching. Essentially showing up for others. It is no joke to find yourself in mid-life or beyond as a divorced father who is on the tipping point of not being needed by anyone. On one hand, that is awesome because you did your job, you raised self-sufficient human beings who are able to live their lives fully. On the other hand..."Now what?"
Another thing Divorced Dad's share or realize after the divorce is how all of the energy did go to the kids. They don't really regret that from a parental standpoint -if those kids are doing well in life. Yet, they begin to have an inkling...they were also all about the kids (it wasn't just their mom)
That realization is a tough one because no one faults parents for being amazing parents but when the marriage dies...it sure is sad for an entire family.....
Dating women for the first time in years is like this:
The freshly divorced man with young children...isn't for me. I've already done that twice. I've already married two men with young children. I've already spent 28 years of my life in a mother role. Which is kind of ironic considering...if there was ever a woman who would be able to handle all the realities that comes with stepfamily living..it would be me.
Men my age or older have children. I'm not against men who have children, older children...I just don't want to be helping any man to raise any more children. I don't know what this means for me personally...and I could be heading into more difficult territory by making this deal breaker as a deal breaker because older kids are who they are and sometimes...humans below the age of 25 aren't the friendliest of creatures....who knows how that whole thing will go...
That takes away from the connection between herself and the man she is trying on at the moment. And it may also prompt her to back off a little further to not hurt the child. It depends on her level of maturity.
Looking for a parent for your children instead of looking for a partner who will make a good stepparent "some day," can be a very wise approach. The term "A Package Deal," has it's flaws. People get into an additional relationship or marriage "because of the kids" which sets them right back into the very flow that helped create their first divorce...no adult connection. Just the kids. Everything kids. All about the kids.
Then what happens is, people wake up one day and discover they have done the same exact thing with a completely different person....but this time, the kids are beginning to have their own lives...so there is more time to sit with...another empty connection.
Roughly 67% to 80% of second marriages end in divorce, while third marriages crumble at an even higher rate
There are some fantastic amazing women out there who are ready to be with a man who is FULL on the inside....
WHAT DO I WANT?
Ray Kinsella: So what do you want?
Terence Mann: I want them to stop looking to me for answers, begging me to speak again, write again, be a leader. I want them to start thinking for themselves. I want my privacy.
Ray Kinsella: No, I mean, what do you WANT?
[Gestures to the concession stand they're in front of]
Terence Mann: Oh. Dog and a beer.
Do your own growth work!
Women are also listening to how much reverence you have for your children's mother. If you speak poorly about the woman who gave you your beloved children... her affinity for you will begin to drop. Slowly at first, but then so low, she has no choice than to dump you for someone who has done or is doing their own work.
But it can't be fake goodness. Women are so much smarter than that. Your words, actions, tone, energy all need to be in alignment... as it relates to these two women in your life. Even if you had the worst mother in the world....if you do your work...you won't have that itsy bitsy thing in you that doesn't really like women. That will matter to a quality woman. She hears with her ears, eyes, heart and her wicked sense of intuition...it's always best to just DO YOUR OWN WORK....
As for my gals....they are already doing their work, I promise you...
Just another random share. Me being me....
The Diary of a mad white woman?