This morning, a friend shared that uncomfortable moment... when date #3 came around and the check was left there to sit.
It was that thing that some men do..testing a woman. Or he read some article in Men's Health that told him date #3 is when she pays. As if everyone plays by that rule. My friend handled it, but not without being turned off by the passive aggressive way this was handled.
This did not feel right to her. It felt yucky. I think she needs to listen to that vs trying to fit into the 2016 dating rules laid out by others.
Group outings- everyone pays their own way and everyone is on the same wave length.
Going on dates isn't something I'm actively looking to go on.
They usually only happen when a man stops me as I am doing something else. He strikes up a conversation and asks me if I will allow him to buy me dinner. For the most part, that seems to just be what I am attracting more than anything.
But when I first arrived...I did have a weird experience where a man stopped me on the street as I was minding my own business and at some point, he went on an on about the money he lost in his divorce and how he can't have another woman take him for all of his money. This felt a bit twisted and odd to me. To stop me on the street and then act as if I was going to take him for all of his money (Within the 2 days he was going to be here)
But that is what people do. They come here and bring their problems and fears with them and loose sight of the reality that they are only here for a few days or a week....
But after that...I only seem to attract the men who are very clear that they want to buy me dinner. And I only say yes if that is what feels right to me.
It seems appropriate as a woman to have cash in your pocket "just in case." And then there is just over all freedom to connect with a person who seems to be driven with masculine or perhaps old school desire to take a woman out for a good time.
Having said that, I have had another experience in a connection where I wanted to do something and I wanted the man who was here to come with me because he was amazing and it felt like he would be able to enjoy the experience. I invited him, I paid for what I wanted to do and it all worked out beautiful.
And that is sort of where I am going with this....
It seems women don't really care much about what the money rules are on the dating scene these days. At least not the women I spoke to today. What they care about is the freedom to be fully engaged in something without having to stop and think how they feel about behavior that is clearly telling them something about this man. It's like he read an article in men's health or something that said "On date 3 she pays" and he's being guided by that article vs being guided by what feels good to him.
All the men today, the husbands...they all agreed...they would not feel comfortable doing that with a woman they were actually interested in..
Which kind of matches the woman's natural response of "Oh, he's telling me...we are just friends, Okay...there goes that one." and something lowers for her. It just does.
It feels pre-mature yet telling of things to come. This was also something that everyone (men and women) agreed on.
It's a date, not a life time commitment and although it could lead to a life time commitment-it is still pre-mature for many people. But I think that also depends on the approach and intention you bring into your dating life. And perhaps where you are in your dating desires.
And here comes that mid-life thing again...there is something about dating in mid-life that is really fascinating, interesting, liberating and so much more. As I continue to repeat myself...I've already had my children and my marriages. I haven't a clue what I will want next.
Another fascinating thing:
Everyone seemed clear too.. that the beginning of the courting process has zero to do with the progression of a relationship and mostly, they wanted to be in the courting process and enjoy it vs lead with concern on who pays for what or have that be an indicator of things to come. Inside of the approach where two people are willing to put the organic process before who pays for what...yet, using the man pays model....women naturally want to give at some point and then as the relationship progresses, the two people create their own money rules together inside of whatever works for their relationship.
This could also be true in reverse. I'm just sharing what today's inquiry held.
What I heard was this:
"he's one of those feminine men."
Oh. What does that mean? I actually knew exactly what that meant...
The knowing comes out when a woman is...innately feminine and wants to be courted but also likes men who are in touch with their feminine side however...when that awkward moment happens where a check comes and he just sits back in his chair and waits to see if she will pay or not...that is not something a woman ever experiences with a very masculine man. They just don't do that. They just don't.
It's now my new experience that men will often pay the check before I can even blink or know the check is already paid. It's just handled.
Then there is this moment between us where I feel so much appreciation-I can't help but share how grateful and how much I appreciate it.
It's this moment where I get to lavish appreciation onto this person and then that person appreciates my appreciation and it's just a big ball of good feelings and fun. It seems to me that would be the best part of dating..you know...the good feelings and fun vs the seriousness of what will the future hold? But again...It all depends where you are and what you want.
When I have this experience....a few days may pass...if I think about a dish that I enjoy, I may be inspired to call that fella up and invite him to come with me to try that dish.
In doing so... I am going to pay and then the dance of appreciation continues in reverse only it feels exactly the same.
This is not based on any set of rules laid out by our culture...but rather an internal desire because we are connected in rapport & appreciation and it just becomes circular based on our individual natures and eventually leads to natural levels of reciprocity-because it just feels good to give and it just feels good to receive...
I am re-affirmed in the realm of what works for me personally...
It has to come from desire, not the past or the future or culture or a set of dating rules. Or what happened in the last relationship. Who got robbed by whom. Blah blah blah. The only thing I want to feel on a date is a sense that we are there to connect, have fun and I want to feel really really good. This doesn't mean I am incapable of having authentic conversations, deep conversations, or any of that. It just means if there is one thing a date should feel in my opinion is GOOD. Otherwise what is the point.
I know I'm writing a lot these days about connection, men and romance, it could easily appear this is where my focus is, but it is and it isn't. I spend the majority of my time alone, working, creating, walking, meditating, flower hunting, reading, swimming and there is my love affair with food after all...
I can only say that more and more...what I'm realizing is that I just want to move the way love moves and see what's there. That said, if If someone knocks my socks off-I'm totally going for it...you bet.
Until then....I will stay in inquiry and remain true to my investigative nature, enrolling many people in my inquiry to see what is true for them too. Just you know...to see all the possibilities...
I don't have a right or wrong or wisdom or anything other than what people tell me and what feels good to anyone. I think it's important for people to listen to their instincts, their sensations and see what is true for them.
I can only say, the check left on the table thing... It's probably better to share openly, to communicate how your dating life works for you personally. I don't know how that would go but I think women appreciate communication so much. She may still be turned off and/or see you as just a friend or she may not. She may view you as a communication ninja and really appreciate your ability to just say it...whatever it is...
In the end I think communication is pretty important. I think knowing who you are is important. I think honoring what's true for you, listening to the sensations in your own body is way more important than any set of dating rules laid out... and I think...you also get to make decisions along the way as it relates to what you want the vibration to be on the date and what your approach is.
But what do I know