I understand and I hear you. I totally get it.
I have those floating thoughts some times too. For instance, that whole "do as I say not as I do," type parenting-and sometimes as a parent I've done that too. I've been like Nike "Just do it" for heavens sake. Because let's face it, we are all just a little bit flawed aka human. Which sort of makes us all so you know...unique in a just like everyone else sort of way.
Beyond that, people who are miserable in marriages trying to convince me, they know what it takes to be in a long marriage-I'm more of a quality vs quantity type of woman.
You know-there is more to that with me however, number of years does not always equate to "so good" between two people and well, there is more to that too.
Also, I have to wonder what single people are really looking for these days. And some of them scare the crap out of me because I already know, I don't have the power to fill their voids and they don't have the power to fill mine. I ask myself:
Do they want someone because they don't want to die alone or do they want someone to live fully with? I don't know. It's all so confusing, to be honest.
Needless to say, I've had my share of what we like to call "trauma"
Certainly, not at the level others have had to endure and sometimes their entire lives just because of the color of their skin or because of other things...but my gender does come with a particular expectation...and although I have this weird spirit that wants to be fully alive...that doesn't mean I don't know trauma and it also doesn't mean whatever trauma went down for me-wasn't traumatic.
If you want to talk about trauma, let's do it...I'm game
Here's what trauma does:
It opens up the apathy channel in you. And apathy is a very dangerous channel to have opened inside of you because - once you've spent some time in the room of apathy at any point in your life -it's not all that hard to go back there for a nice little visit. It's like living in a swamp but it's your swamp so you go there anyway because it's a part of you now. That's the aftermath of trauma. The apathy door is always just slightly open and available and often where people will go when other things aren't available.
This is why I struggle with quotes like "no one can ever make you feel inferior without your consent" because much of the trauma that takes place in the world was not given by consent. That isn't how it happens to people and while that is a good quote for those just above the tone scale line - who are doing their work or have never been left in the dark room where apathy lives....it doesn't have much healing power. There are steps along the path that need to be honoured and addressed in ways that leave room for people to grow at their own pace.
You have to want to live more than you want to die and more times than not -for those who have been in apathy for any period of time-no matter how much good they do or how much they want to...apathy just keeps coming back to smack them in the face. They look up and think I did what I came here to do and now it's time for me to go.
They say and they see: "I've helped hundreds of people and I did that with a tremendous amount of apathy consistently returning to me. As I have helped people learn to rise above their own lines of apathy for some reason mine keeps coming back. Here and there and everywhere."
This happens every day all over the world. She is not alone. However, as far as I am concern, she sort of is because she spoke UP and in speaking up, in not hiding...she pulled people up and out. Daily. Bravo sister, bravo! It is only a very powerful being who can do that. That in itself is worthy.
The gift she gave the world was that she stood up, tall and shared herself, her truth full out and she did that for herself, for the children and for the children in adults.
That makes her brave beyond many of us.
It is only a very powerful being who can even do..just that much.
We can talk about those people. The great, talented, amazing artists who couldn't manage their apathy in the form of drug addiction. What do we all think that is? And why, do we feel more deeply for the Elvis's of the world than we do this woman? What's the difference?
The difference is-illusion. We as humans tend to think -all the stuff that we have - will solve the equation of apathy. It does not. You hear stars all the time trying to tell people -just because they are famous-Doesn't mean all is sugar and spice and everything nice. That hasn't been the preventive cure for all things. In fact, if we follow the thread as fully as it really exists- fame can very easily be something that makes the apathy speak even louder.
How utterly disappointing it must be to think you've made it only to learn-your apathy is still there. That must be like being hit with a brick.
The more we think something will fill us (it will fill the void or heal the apathy) and it doesn't have any power to do so.....when we get it and it does not fill the void or heal the apathy-
Oh shit. Now what?
How lonely it must feel to have a million people love you who don't really love you because they don't actually know you. All they see is your stuff and your talent. Not you as a human being.
As far as this incredibly brave woman goes-in my mind she is not, by any stretch of the imagination a fraud. She's got it right. Right. Right. It's just that her apathy was too big and that happens. As I said, every single day.
Every day. Everywhere. Many humans.
Healers are usually sensitive to the collective and they usually get their healing skill set through the channel of their own apathy.
This woman had a lot of pressure. It takes a tremendous amount of pressure to be in the spot light and have everyone come at you. Just look at and listen to Lady Gaga. Listen to her. Listen to her lyrics. How she calls her fans little monsters. How she says "I was born this way" much of her creativity pulls people right out of apathy. In this way she is a genius. Yet, all that pulling of pulling other people out of apathy can turn into living a life where you don't get to keep your own soul healthy. It happens all the time.
LADY GAGA GETS IT
My response was "Please don't. Please don't send me any more people"
Why. Why did I say that? Some people would say..I was getting in my own way in that moment. Others would scream at me "that's selfish, you should want to help others. That's our job on the planet. To serve each other."
But I have been in the room of apathy and that was without my consent, so for me, I have to be able to say no when I can feel it's not going enhance the quality of my ability to stay out of the room of my own apathy. The kind of work I do, is intense, violence is intense, abuse is intense, hearing parents hate each other as they "pretend" that's on the behalf of the love they have for their children... (that is not love) and all of that incoming....sometimes that makes me feel very sad. In that collective way and in those moments, I am unable to serve anyone....
In that moment, in that conversation with Sifu, I was full of happiness, joy and finding that, as it turned out was very simple. My fulfillment needs to be what's flowing...rather than some twisted sense that I am supposed to suffer to help others. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the 6 thousand readers who read this blog. Which was an inspired experiment on authenticity and vulnerability. I just decided one day to create something where I am just saying what is true in each moment as it's happening and the ever evolving moments as they evolve in real and raw ways and I'm using my own existence to do that. I haven't a clue who the 6 thousand people are. I only know that I get those "anonymous" private messages on the daily. Sharing their stories, sharing themselves, sharing their truth and sharing....how something I wrote helped them or how they could see themselves.
You want to talk about RISKY...dear lord....
It is not easy to step up and speak out...most of the time people would rather you remain in your little room of apathy "Shhh, stuff it back down, don't tell anyone what is true for you" because if you do...well that's just very dangerous "What will people think?"
I can tell you what people will think....
This chick is crazy
She thinks too much
Wow, I can't believe she said that
Oh man, that's so private
She's an ass
She doesn't know what the hell she is talking about
Wow, I wish I could be that honest
I feel that way too
I experienced that
I know what that feels like
Ah, so that's why I feel the way I do
Ah, so that's why it is hard for me
OH, I get it
and all of it....isn't "really" about me...
they will think whatever the want and none of it matters. Ultimately.
Thank you Dearest Anonymous....
Maybe you are just a snarky human looking for a response....I don't know. The only thing I know is what you bring to the table.....
Just in case you or someone you know is suffering and that is what your comment is "really," about.....
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
As far as I'm concerned, Psalm Isadora remains... a powerful presence in the world, She stepped up like a brave soul, shared, helped hundreds of people and when she felt she did what she came her to do....she kept teaching by showing us all what CAN and DOES happen-every day when the apathy channel has been open full out, wide...and far....
She's still impacting and teaching.....after all, you felt compelled to comment. Didn't you? I appreciate you SO MUCH.
There are so many different perspectives and maybe cut her a little slack...after all...it's a big big world with a lot of people who want to help others with their trauma. So you and I are free to find those people with an awareness that....this can happen.....
Thank you. Thank you THANK YOU
I hope you are okay,