When we face time, that is what I do. I am also assessing his appearance, not in judgment but as a mother does. Is he sleeping well? Does his energy match the happiness he is telling me he is experiencing? I watch and observe and just follow the thread of a mothers desire for her son to live his life the way he wants to live it.
Problems come in when I try to be in our connection in any other way. There are a lot of opinions, thought systems and judgments on how my son and my relationship "should be." I have to remove all of that stuff that does not belong to him, I or us. All of that stuff that isn't ours and make my intention and my knowing the leading factor. I've had plenty of practice with this all these years due to many things. If something exists inside of our thread that belongs to us. I'm more than happy to address it with my son. If he needs his mothers wisdom he is free to contact me and he does when he needs it. All is well between us in this way.
In the thread of the desire that exists between my parents and myself again, I lean into it. My parents become very happy and very joyful just to see my face on facetime. They become even more happy when I excitedly share all the beauty that exists on this island. They want their daughter to be happy. On occasion, there is a funny little thing that happens where they treat me like I'm 5 years old. We acknowledge it, laugh about it and move back into the thread that exists between them and myself. Then I have another thread of desire with my mother as my mother and another one with my father as my father. The individual threads are also, their own thing. My mother is funny beyond funny beyond funny and she is very sensitive in a way that makes me want to be sure I show up honoring her sensitivity. It's different with my Dad. It's more a straight shooter type banter but it's full of love and freedom. As a psychology major, we have this other thread where we debate sometimes. However, we usually agree on things and my perspective keeps growing as does my grace so it's really been great.
I have different threads of desire with each brother although through it all my thread is always wanting to be sure my family feels good or that they know I love them. There are all kinds of things and funny stories that get in the way sometimes yet I always go back to the thread of desire. My nephews. Same thing
On and on this goes in terms of using the thread of desire and leaning in.
It keeps things very simple for me in many ways until something is so complex. When complexity comes I'm good with stripping it down to the barebones simple through processing.
My friend Jaimie is a love bug. When I lean into our connection based on the thread of desire and what is between us-I can be in our connection and she has the fullness of my attention.
Hula-it is my desire to be able to float
My books-I can only write them when my spirit is in the blue, anything less than that is not good enough. I end up deleting 30 pages at a time. This is why it is my desire to be in the blue as often as possible
On and on, when I let desire lead...good things happen. When there is a breakdown I want to work it out so good things can continue to happen.
It needs to feel good before, during and after.
If it was a lack of interest that would be different. This was not that. The thread was pulsating. The soul deepened and I experienced the temporary sensation of I will imprint on this one. That is something that can be easily worked out and shift through a little thing called: Open communication. When I know what is going on, what is really true, I'm good to go.
The desire was being sidetracked by other things that had nothing to do with the natural thread.
I felt stuck. This is why the cold in the "After" does not work for me. I need the thread to move. I need movement. I need to be in things where I am moving the way love moves. The threads of desire, combined with emotional honesty and the willingness to understand the floating, emotional evolutionary process and having mutual respect for one another...those are the things that help the thread of desire flow organically. It's really something how each thread is completely different and has it's own pulse. Some men are worried about things that exist outside of the thread of desire. If it's other men, size, height, whatever....that is them leaving the thread of desire. In this way they hijack the goodness with their lack of attention. There is a thread that comes with lack of attention too. It's really not a pleasant track LOL But for some reason some men seem to love to be on that track. I don't know what that's about for them because I'm not a man but it does seem like a waste of a good desire thread. I am aware some women don't think like this but I do, so if you are paying attention to ME...you know you are as safe as you can be no matter what. As long as...there is aloha, respect and attention placed on the thread.
People. Humans. You know.
I just want to follow what is truly there. No force. Just power.
I essentially apologized for trusting, respecting, being kind, open and all of the things that make me-me. That's not good LOL
At some point, I cut it down to barebones...."There is a field....you just follow the natural desire, lean in and then if it feels natural to stay the night, then you do. If it feels natural to leave, then you do. And all of it is meaningful and meaningless all at the same time because what we both want is to FEEL GOOD and whatever that means, whatever is true, whatever the desire says or doesn't say...
The invitation was sent. I meant what I said and I said what I meant.
Whatever happened after that, did not change the invitation. I'm not fickle in that way. The entire time, I just needed it all to feel good. TO ME.
I am kind and I am reverent and I am respectful and I am very selfish too. If your desire doesn't prompt you to want to make ME feel good....Houston, we have a MAJOR PROBLEM because that is baseline stuff. The desire thread should be such that it makes both people want to feel good and make the other feel good. That is it.
The Scary Dog and the Playful Puppy
I'm the playful Puppy
He's the Scary Dog
The scary dog wasn't scary until the last few incidents but I will call this spirit animal play scary dog because it's weird to change the name half way through...
PLAYFUL PUPPY: "I LIKE YOU, lick lick"
SCARY DOG: "I've got some rules and here are my rules"
PLAYFUL PUPPY: "Okay" (Tail wagging-not necessary if there is a thread of desire...it will handle itself but okay)
SCARY DOG: "here are more rules and I'm setting these so you don't feel bad"
(So far, not scary)
PLAYFUL PUPPY: "Okay"
SCARY DOG "Feel free to share your thoughts and feelings even if it is a book"
PLAYFUL PUPPY: INTERNAL THOUGHTS: Oh, you don't mean that, I'm a writer and I have already warned you about this. (LICK LICK TRUST TRUST) but okay I'm going to do that since you gave me your consent
SCARY DOG: *I have no idea what is going on with scary dog LOL
PLAYFUL PUPPY: Shares desire
SCARY DOG: Shares desire
Okay....now we are in my zone YAY!
SCARY DOG: *barks, little bite
PLAYFUL PUPPY: "oh no, he's a biter! He's a puppy biter! hmmm, maybe he is just sad. I know! I will give him guidelines on how to play with puppies!"
SCARY DOG: RECEIVES GUIDELINES FROM PLAYFUL PUPPY
PLAYFUL PUPPY *** HAS NO CLUE WHAT IS GOING ON WITH SCARY DOG
12 hours later:
PLAYFUL PUPPY: "Oh, there are some things I want to share with him so he understands....
SCARY DOG *CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP GROWL BARK:
PLAYFUL PUPPY *insert hurt puppy here
OMG, when I look at the images I have selected for this story, all I can do is LAUGH. Wait... I need a minute to look and laugh.
That is so funny! So cute...The spirit animals.
What I noticed was how when I gave myself permission to follow the thread without him -when my Bliss returned to me-it was my natural desire to make him feel good too.
I had found the path to the warmth I needed to put closure to this for me and when I did I wanted him to feel that warmth too. Besides, it is me who has this allergy to cold endings.
Letting desire flow is good medicine.
Scary Dog did not disappoint me. Lol.
But the chomping made me laugh because at any given time he had the power to speak up in all that he wanted and all that he didn't want and he did not use his power or his desire wisely. I can't take credit or blame for what is not mine.
Right after that little chomp came appreciation.
And then another chomp LOL
The man can't help himself. Dear lord. So funny
What I like about Scary Dog is, (Yes, he is no longer McDreamy/McSteamy Hybrid, he's the first to be given a new name LOL It's affectionate and playful vs mean in spirit)
After his chomp came the offer to talk on the phone.
He called me and we had a normal conversation. I didn't really need that though. I just needed to feel warmly and I got what I needed from myself. In extending it to him, he was so sweet.
We did not talk about any of this over the phone. He was just this sweet man over the phone. Very kind. Just like the guy I saw in the images and the guy I spoke to on the phone before the scary dog and playful puppy spirits did their thing and like the guy who came to my house... Before all of that nonsense happened.
It is such an added bonus for me to be able to experience, feel and say "Good Form" Scary- not so scary dog.
Because in the spaces in between he really did have such good form and it felt so good to feel that way again.
Thank you for leaving me warm.
I learned a lot through that, and it had so much meaning for me because I learned so much.
I'm clear-Dating websites are not for me
I'm clear-leaning into the thread of desire is for me
I'm clear-Leave me warm and my respect for you remains intact.