I felt lonely.
I couldn't even recognize it at first let alone define it. Totally foreign sensation. "What is this?"
There is a part of me that is very Greta Garbo . You know..."I just want to be left alone" so this was weird for me.
I felt uncomfortable and curious.
What do I need?
I need a walk.
So I did that. As I was walking I felt sadness and tears. (Just allow )
What do I need?
I need the Nook!
Darn it!!! Noo not the nook! Lol
(The Nook-is that place on your husband's body near his rotator cuff where you can nuzzle your head for just a few minutes.)
In random unexplained, weird and odd moments... I would stop what I was doing, feel something unexplainable and say "I need the Nook!" Or "Wait, I think I need the Nook!" And my husband would be happy to give me the Nook.
After about 30 seconds to a minute (tops) I would say "okay. I'm good, thank you so much" and I would return to whatever I was doing.
This Monday, my "need" felt most inconvenient. I wasn't thrilled to discover I needed the Nook and I don't have a Nook in my life at this time.
I'm walking, feeling, allowing...processing. Next thing I know... I'm this sad lonely person who is"Nook Hunting."
I was literally scoping the Nooks of strange men on the street as they were passing me by.
"oh, he has a good Nook" or "Hmm I don't think I'd feel right in his Nook"
And then...I'm smiling. Cracking myself up. Again.
So now I'm this crazy laughing nook hunter with swollen eyes and a Red nose. That image of myself made me laugh too.
What do I need?
I just need a hug. YES!! A HUG
How difficult could it be.. to get a hug from someone on an island that is loaded with Aloha Spirit?
It was not difficult.
I got my Aloha Hug from a very kind Hawaiian person who did not think I was weird (at all) -he just embraced me with the Aloha Spirt, and then he thanked me!!! And we both kept moving...
I felt it again, that moment: "okay, I'm good. Thank you" at the exact time the hug ended. It seemed so perfect.
About an hour later...
My landlord came to my door- He's the best landlord ever. So nice and I barely see him...
He gave me 3 hugs! He kept saying he had to go and would hug me and then keep talking...and hugged me again. I'm developing my own conclusion that Hawaiian People are very loving people who just know how to give good hugs.
A little later I saw one of my gal pals. She walked up and hugged me too. At this point I'm smiling on the inside.
From lonely to cup runneth over...
As full as my cup was Monday evening, I could not fall asleep. I woke up late Tuesday Morning
In the beginning of the week I made plans to go on a 10 mile hike. But I would have to walk a few miles to and from to join the group. I didn't feel 14 miles was a good idea. Then another friend asked me to go for a walk at 6 am. That I could do. But I over slept.
I was so busy being upset at myself for over sleeping -which isn't really something I do to myself anymore.
I was upset I over slept. Upset I missed an opportunity to see my friend. Upset I wasn't my word.
I was upset that I was upset! I felt that "I do not have time for this nonsense" sensation.
It took me 2 solid hours to stabilize. Then it took a large cappuccino and FaceTime with a friend to snap out of my upset "all the way."
Another walk, some Love Affair with Thy Self intentions and then had a great day.
Yet, something heavy was brewing underneath all of that Aloha and goodness....in a conversation later in the afternoon, I felt my own heaviness land in the conversation. I could feel I was bringing in the heaviness. I figured the best thing I could do was meditate and see what was there for me. I felt vulnerable. So very vulnerable. Then I remembered the date "Oh, geez, Yes, I get like this sometimes.
...bang, again I am hit with a sadness.
By 2 am I found myself walking the streets of Waikiki.
The empty streets were deeply comforting. I was back to wanting to be alone again. I felt grateful to be alone. To just be able to walk aimlessly. I cried a little, walked some more and that's just how it goes sometimes. That's life...and it's all okay.