Primary/Secondary. Once that is complete I have other visions too. The beauty is, Love Affair with Thy Self and Women in Stepfamilies Over lap.
So it's all Primary in essence...
This is the first year, perhaps ever-I have lived alone. I've been on my own but have never actually lived alone. That's not really how being a mom works, even when your child lives with their father 50% of the time and then moves in with Dad as a teen. You're still mom and you're still creating space, you're still dealing with parental things and you're still planning. All of that. Now he's grown and it's me living alone-which is an extraordinary opportunity and it's impossible for me to not reflect as a mother because when you live alone, are alone in this very real way...that's a part of it.
"It's a terrible thing to leave a mother alone with her own thoughts"
(She may have said an old woman-I can't remember the exact word she used) but the essence is the same. Not so much terrible to be me or for me, but for all the moments and all of the humans who were oh-so-worried about me turning my son into a "sissy."
I know this documentary reached me on many levels because I felt it for days after. The truth of it.
I did all of my rituals before watching it. Before allowing it to penetrate and land on me because when I do that, when I take the time to cleanse my consciousness in the form of meditation and other various things that place me in the present...I can feel truth landing, empathy and compassion going deeper and sometimes (it depends) I can also feel triggers bubbling up.
Truth, empathy and compassion is usually my most organic, most natural response. I was deeply moved by all the men and all of the boys sharing. Deeply and whole heartedly. In all of its fullness there was only one teeny tiny part that felt like nonsense to me. "Girls toys have gotten pinker." That doesn't feel like truth landing on me. Pink has always been pink. Picking on the color pink.
That...I have had enough of...for sure, and that does not land on me as "truthful"
I say, leave PINK alone. There are plenty of men wearing pink shirts or men on the football field this month wearing their pink socks. Why? Because it's now the symbol associated with breast cancer. Not prostate cancer. (That is light blue) It is important, in this way. This is how we use colors to make a difference and do good in our world, let's not forget that.
Autism awareness is also associated with the color blue and we all know autism exists in both genders.
In my mind..the whole war against hues of purple and pink is contracting instead of expanding. Keep it and expand upon it -make different choices if you want to, for yourself or for your children and teach them how to be fully who they are vs have a war against it. But that's just me and what do I know?
There were far too many humans in my life telling me I'm going to turn that kid into a sissy... instead of just using their time to teach him what they wanted to teach him. Instead of having reverence for him or me or the consciousness that my blood was moving through that kids veins... there was all of this careless nonsensical weirdness. Not just men either. Women are the worst judgmental creatures of other mothers. I remember going away for a week to florida. I was there to be in a movie and entered the U.S. Open's Martial Arts. I returned with this enormous trophy after placing second in the world in a competition I knew nothing about. I didn't prep, I just entered because I wanted to know and experience something outside of the walls of my dojo. I wanted to experience someone other than the people that I saw every day.
When I returned home, I had a lot of good cheer and aloha sent my way. Except with some people, some parents who bashed me for being a whole person. One mother said "When you become a parent you don't do that. It's not your time, you sit and you watch your child. There is something wrong with parents who don't sacrifice for their children." The message was loud and clear and intended for me. I remember feeling the heavy intention land onto my heart. I was deeply hurt and questioned myself. I thought, that sounds like a terrible existence to me but is that really what I am supposed to do? Oh shit, I'm the worst mother on the planet because I can not do that. I can not live half alive. What am I going to do?
But I also remember the look on my son's face when he saw the size of my trophy, (which was as tall as him.) His little eyes lit up, his face was fully alive. He was thrilled. "Wow, that's my mom." And he says to me "Good Job Mom, I'm proud of you." And I also remember the depth of love and happiness inside of him when he got to stay with his father extra time.
In a world full of judgmental mothers-with limited definitions of what it means to be a mother...the moments that matter are the moments my son experienced, not what some judgmental parent had to say about how I was living my life. IN this way, everything inside of me says FUCK YOU. All of you who think you know and you don't know shit. That's how I felt the other day. I'm good now though.
It took a few days for these triggers to surface but when they did I was very angry. And here we go again...another trigger. Oh goodie.
I am fully alone now with zero distractions. I live in paradise with an abundance of gratitude and daily bliss. And here I am, experiencing anger from the past.
I can pretend to be a bigger more enlightened person or I could actually do the internal work and move through it and actually reach another level of freedom and have it truly belong to me. The choice is mine.
Since it's my experience that pretending doesn't work...my choice was to move through it....which I'm still actually doing.
Timing is so stinkin perfect, don't you think? By the time my son lands in Honolulu...I will be even lighter in spirit....well, maybe...since I never know what is going to come out of that young man's mouth LOL But one thing I do know...
I am excited to have the opportunity to spend a week with my son...in paradise!!! Hiking, swimming, playing, laughing, connecting,& catching up....
I'm excited he is turning 25 and I get to celebrate that day with him..after all..we sort of went through that whole thing together after all...
I feel blessed, peaceful and happy today....
Working on triggers through the rituals of TM, alone time and more makes everything softer...
More will be revealed, I'm sure....
as for today
It's almost time for HULA!!!!!!!!!!!! HORRAY