Living a life where 60% of my time was taking care of all of that "stuff."
My physiology taking a beating, I was exhausted, I got sick or had a cold every month and couldn't get through a day without taking a nap. This took me months to get rid of and uncover all of the spots I couldn't feel through all of that stuff. And a year to really upgrade my physiology to what it is now and I still have more to do.
You know, all the stuff that everyone who is asking me how I can afford to live here still owns.
Now I live in a studio apartment, have minimal clothing, I own 6 pairs of shoes and 3 of them are flip flops. I walk everywhere. Even a trip to my bank is 4 miles. I walk. I have no associated driving expenses. I am one person who loves the local farmers markets and shops the managers specials. Every day.
I walked Waikiki for 3 solid days looking for apartments because I understand people need to see you and feel you to like and trust you. I found an amazing landlord where all utilities and cable were included at a price that is unheard of here. And I believe my commitment to transcendental meditation led me in staying present moment to moment.
Many things are free here in Hawaii or love donations. It's incredible actually. I am not living the tourist life. I'm living the local life. There is an enormous difference between planning a vacation on a beautiful tropical island and spending like a tourist spends vs actually living here. You can pay 15 dollars for a pineapple as a tourist, I'm going to head to the farmers market and get my fresh pineapple for 5. And when the man on the street offers me a fresh coconut to quench my thirst and doesn't want a dime from me -my gratitude runs deep. I am not expecting these things to show up and they keep showing up.
And if I can't walk, I won't go. There are generous people here offering me rides and if I sense it is stressful for them to do so, I will decline. If I sense there is an expectation, I will decline.
Originally, I felt (and still sort of feel) this is not anyone's business really. But then I put a go-fund-me out there...that ended up feeling strange and weird for me. I don't even know how that's going to go because I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about that myself. I have to figure that out soon. I will either be giving the 4 people who donated their money back or I will go all the way with it. I have to align within myself first. While I know my own integrity and how what I do could truly help people across the country. While I have confidence in myself in that way and I'm also not afraid to be known or seen since I'm pretty out there anyway....the donation thing..I'm just not sure...I have to figure that one out and very soon!
If anyone wants to give up all of there stuff and move here...Feel free. I won't ask how you can afford it because I know the difference between tourism vs living here. But I am pretty sure...I still wouldn't ask...
The concept of being a conscious person. What that means to anyone can be so very different. Life in all it's fullness. It's like a yoga person. Have you ever seen a yoga person flip out? Oh my goodness. It's shocking the first time you experience that because Yoga people seem so calm and peaceful. Yet, just like any practice, there is still a human being inside of that body who gets angry, upset and experiences disappointments. You have to leave room for human moments.
Consciousness is the same. I personally find the anti gender differences movement to be a little off. While other people believe eradicating gender differences is consciousness personified and the "way," to heal the planet. Basic human consciousness doesn't need to be something that ignores or violates other natural truths. It doesn't have to be an either/or consciousness. It can be more expansive by acknowledging the beauty that comes with gender differences while also embracing "we are one"
I'm just more inclined to believe in co-existence. That feels softer, more true and more expansive to me personally. While I accept and love everyone and all of their choices, or their essential Yin/Yang elements-I find it very interesting how violently those "we are all one," advocates respond to comments like "you may need to be a woman to get this."
I had an experience recently where a man, who has never been a woman, never given birth, never had monthly hormonal fluctuations, doesn't walk in a woman's shoes and tried to "teach me," something about "we are all one." I experienced his supposed expansive consciousness as a violation. There wasn't an ounce of reverence or consciousness around how he can be as feminine as is his nature but he will never know what it is to walk in a woman's shoes. Even if he was a gay man, you can't know something you are not. This is the same theory I have about a Roman Catholic Priest teaching marriage class's. How do you teach two humans how to be married when your partner in life is God and people are not god? I don't know. For me, expanding one's consciousness includes honoring things you are not, rather than forcefully and with a lot of ego...acting like you are superior. To make matters worse energy wise, there was a comment:
"Are we reducing this to a vagina?" And I couldn't help but think to myself......there is nothing reductive about the all mighty powerful VAGINA This is the vessel this man was born through. I couldn't connect to him and no matter how much I requested we end the comments, his need to debate was stronger than his respect for me as a person. I've done that too. I get it, total ego. This did not stop there. At some point I heard what many higher consciousness people unfortunately end up saying. Something about how sorry he was that I was so battered and bruised (unhealed) that I was unable to take the opportunity of the life lesson he had to offer me. Oh boy! Pure arrogance masked as "consciousness." I thought, perhaps look within and if you want to be sorry for something...be sorry for pushing through my clear boundary because you had to be heard more than you had respect for another person being. A conscious person does not do that. Only a conscious person who is triggered into unconsciousness needs to invalidate you as they keep themselves "clean."
And the truth is, I've yet to meet a person who is truly conscious all of the time. It's called being human. The other truth is, if there is one person on the planet who can bring out the unconsciousness in another human being, it seems to be me. My freedom to think and be wherever I am in my development is so solidified, there is no forcing anything down my throat. I'm huge into consent. If I have not asked you to be my mentor or my coach, this does mean I do not see you as my consciousness guru. I learn by how someone is and who they are. Not by shoving or force. Show up as you are and I will organically feel the lesson through you. Beautiful.
I once had a boss, not for very long. She lost me rather quickly due to her need to be in authority. I trusted this woman, and I trusted her guidance, but that was a lesson for me. She ended up having this spiritual guru, she recommended I go see him. I love guru's, I went. Without having any information about me, from me, this guru told me I have "authority issues." All I could do was laugh because it was not rocket science. My boss, who needed to be the authority sends me to a guru who tells me I have authority issues without hearing a word from me. That was really great. I got a good kick out of that. It's true. My only authority is god and I see no reason to live in any other way. If you are not god, if I have not chosen you to be my mentor or my coach...If I feel or sense you have your own agenda, do not see me, have not asked me anything, have not taken the time to know my vibration or my truth...and you label me...you most certainly should not be my authority. I believe that is my natural intuition.
You win or you learn...that's a two way street
The Diary of a mad white woman...ha!