Second week with the advanced students and now, due to this performance-Momi has taken it up several notches!
In fact, we are now switching from front row to back row after each new verse in the song Nani Kauai and we are supposed to all end up in one line for the last verse.
We do a similar thing when we dance to "These Islands," however it's once at the beginning.
Momi said once she figures out what the song list for the performance will be, that's what we will do...the song list...over and over in each class..... So it looks like I will be learning a lot of new songs on the fly...
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Post Hula Massage!
This week has been an odd week for me. While there have been little glitches each day, it's been nothing extravagant or news worthy just little delays, technical difficulties and spots where I had to find a plan b and sometimes a plan c.. I'm noticing...I know it's happening and I keep moving...I can't feel too stressed about it...I'm mostly just noticing....I'm at the hight of my PMS and I am JUST NOTICING...This lets me know...I'm on the right path hormonally speaking...
60,000 Nautical miles
• 150 Ports
• 23 Nations & Territories
• 3 Years
• 1 Iconic Canoe
• 1 Island Earth
As I was walking, a bus came by that said "Waikiki Beach Hotels" and I got on it. I wasn't intending to do that....that was so fun. All this city type stuff is still fun for me. Except the construction outside my window..that's not my favorite...
I'm so thrilled to be home.
My 5th Grade Moments this past week..
Me "It's 5th Grade, thank you very much!"
Imagine my surprise when I asked a gentleman what he wants because I really don't have the capacity for games of any kind (That's a whole other topic) and his response was "To start: I want to spend the night with you!"
Later in the day..I was in the shower after a busy day and the thought floated back in my head "Spend the night" and I felt my eyes widen...as it dawned on me......
And that did not feel at all wrong or terrible until I was confronted with "Stay the night,"
Explosion in my Brain....
Because honestly.... the way I've been moving in my life...staying the night sounds like a major commitment to me. I'm aware it isn't and people just stay the night, it's "no big deal" In fact, I have a friend who has a habit of wanting to "spend the night," and her shares do not leave me feeling warm and fuzzy on my insides.
This was so deeply confronting for me, on so many levels.
I wasn't getting a whole lot of support about it either. You know...since I'm not exactly....."shy."
I heard a lot of.........what is the big deal?
Just do it!
Could be fun!
"What about that time with the football player?" (Accidental and he was leaving the island that morning.)
"What about your weekend in LA?"
(We were already lovers at that point)
Each connection is so different and I am more healed now than I was when I first arrived. I've been doing this healing, cleaning my grid, moving the way love moves thing for a long time now. None of these reminders aren't helping me.
Every time someone said anything to me, other than: Listen to yourself, trust yourself, you are a very smart woman:-I was like "Thank you, and you can not help me."
Cause if I am not a HELL YES...I shouldn't be doing it and that's really the only thing I know.
Momi..... the only one who told me... how very proud of me she was that I listened to myself. From her vantage point, I'm not being a 5th grader, I'm being smart. Yet, I always listen to myself, I just don't do it the way she would like me to do it :)
The Rules of Dating: Crazy making
This is why I devoted an entire chapter in my book called:
Living Beyond Statistics: and Discovering Conflicting Core Beliefs
My feminine Nature....
Beyond my Original Response:
There are no mixed messages. I don't have to deal with any of that stuff. I don't have to DO anything or prove anything to anyone. I just lean in. If I'm a yes I say yes. If I am a no, I say no. I've been on some amazing dates with some quality men and sometimes, the fancy date and money spent comes with the expectation that I will have sex simply because there was money spent and that is never a reason to have sex with anyone. The only reason to ever say yes....is because I am a yes. That's it.
Dating has an element of dishonesty in it by default vs people being dishonest. It's the way it's set up.
And that bumble thing. I spoke to my friend Mark about that process...where the woman has to make the first move. I wanted his thoughts about it because he is very masculine, very unapologetically masculine. That means my friend is cherished very deeply and together they shine. Mark has no filter. He's honest. What you see is what you get and what you see is a man who is deeply committed to his woman.
We talked about a few things actually....
He was so disturbed by the woman having to make the first move. It was so funny because I knew he would be. "That's just wrong, so very wrong" he says....
I shared with him my concern beyond my feminine nature-which is I believe men who are comfortable sitting back to let a woman make the first move...usually continue to sit back and expect the woman to keep moving as they continue to sit back. Those types of men and I never ever do well together. They want the Strong woman to take the lead and most of the time, it's so they don't have to. It's pitched and masked under the illusion of "partnership," except when you dig deeper....when you dig deeper, it's usually something else.
I love ducks in a positive way because all they know how to do is walk and talk within their actual nature. You never have to worry about a duck waking up the next day meowing or barking. They just quack. Haha. You can actually trust the quack. And that's funny. (I crack myself up a lot-you can actually trust the quack....Oh man...)
A player who says I'm a player is a duck. Quack quack. Aka Truly honest and to me that is admirable. Much more admirable than pretending your something you are not. Congruency. You never have to worry about the aftermath of that surprise bark or a meow or even a growling.
They say what they mean and they mean what they say which means they are incapable of hurting you.
Although I have had great fun with bullshit artists because they make me laugh and when I say "you're a bullshit artist" I say it playfully. That is me being generous and that is me handling it. "It" being my own psyche. It is my job -at all times to take care of my psyche.
I don't have to be angry or upset or fake offended for any reason. I get to stay in my bliss. And most of the time, my calling a duck a duck-softly without judgment -also allows me the opportunity to sneak in their "the problem isn't women. It's you. You're a hot mess and if you just spoke truth-you'd have a very different experience with the women in your life. You'd think these men would hate me but that isn't what happens. What happens is they trust me.
Rarely does any man leave my camp site without leaving with some sort of priestess gift from me to them. Something that helps them in their own lives and helps whatever woman exists or will exist in their lives. It's not something that I intend to do, it's just something that happens. I think that's more about my love of my own gender than anything else. And if they recognize or accept the gift isn't something I have any power over.
In this way, I can easily get caught up in therapist/coach/me helping them improve upon their lives. The desire with me most of the time is...they see value for themselves.
It's easier to hear and learn from a woman you do not actually love than it is to hear and learn from a woman you DO actually love. For some reason.
Men love to learn through me. And I'm at a place in my life where..if you want me to be your spiritual growth therapist/emotional coach....You can pay me for that.
If you want me to be your stepping stone where you take value and bring that value into your next connection...
I need to know that. I need people to QUACK QUACK QUACK. I believe we call that: Self Awareness.
I think he's genuine and he seriously does want to share his life with someone.
I think he's slow to love and I think that's a very healthy thing. I think he loves deeply, fully and therefore, when his heart is broken- he does not bounce back so quickly.
I think with the right person he will find himself opening up. I think he will discover.....sharing of himself will be much easier...with the right person-and when that happens, with whomever that happens with...he will be Quack Quack Quack-all the way. I think that happens for all of us...with the right person...we quack away!!!!
This quote is as amazing as ever and it applies here:
Adrienne Willis: I know you've only ever known your father and me. And I love Jack, because he is your father. But there's another kind of love, Amanda. One that gives you the courage to be better than you are, not less than you are. One that makes you feel that anything is possible. I want you to know that you could have that. I want you to hold out for it.
Anyway, after having my little 5th grader reaction and moving through that.....the simplicity is really just this:
I actually like this man and.....his words and his actions do not align. That means- I've been holding the alignment. If he Barks, I quack. If he meows, I still quack. It's like I can't stop quacking with this dude. I gave him the opportunity to bail, he did not. I even tried to graciously let him off the hook, he assured me he doesn't want to be let off the hook.
He barks, I will quack, THEN he quacks.
He meows, I will quack, THEN he quacks.
Yet, he keeps going MIA but I'm not supposed to notice that he is doing that...or something.
I can not be leading or holding the alignment in this way. I need this man to quack on his own.
It was not his desire to take me on a proper date. So why would we do that?
The man isn't even picking up the phone. It's all text and all selfie videos talking (which I started) yet it's never an actual conversation or Facetime or anything that would require the fullness of his attention. I think he's speaking very loudly and very clearly and I think because I keep quacking and re-establishing alignment....I am uncomfortable with just how much I am leading here.
Here is what I know:
Men who are genuinely interested in me-ask me all kinds of questions. They can't help themselves. You can feel the shifting happening as it's happening. It's this organic process happening inside of them. It's like there is this moment where they decide, there is more to you than they thought. That's usually where I lock down on them. "No need to have any more information than you already have, let's just stay right here."
Or they read my entire blog from entry 1 to date and they want to share their truth because they feel connected and want to share themselves with me in equal measure. And even then- it still takes these men time to reconcile how they really feel. It's this whole processing thing that goes down for them and it takes forever.....
And so, I've made myself very clear....we shall see if he quacks or not. And I can not lead another alignment. I would LOVE to know him more...and it's time for me to.....stop leading. OY....