I've been "friend zoned" that was so fun! (Not really) although...I've always wondered what that felt like and now I know.
Ouch. I suppose it was...my turn. It's absolutely amazing how quickly you can truly move through a connection with someone when you put your attention on it.
The other night I was in conversation with a friend whom I've known for at least 12 years. I have only known her to be unhappy with the men she was with. All the way out of left field...she shows up completely "in love" I can't tell you how happy I am for her. She's a completely different human being. She just told me "I just had the best weekend of my entire life" as she's sending me selfie images of herself with the man she loves. I have never actually even seen an image of her that close or that happy with a man and I have seen her wedding pictures with two different men. You can see their eyes dancing in a way only two people in love -eyes dance. I love her a lot and I love that this happened and that she was even open to receiving - what she is currently experiencing as a gift. Her words. This gift.
And all of a sudden, now that she's in love she says to me "Stop closing doors just to close doors" and she is talking about McDreamy/McSteamy Hybrid because I told her "I'm pretty sure I'm pushing him away on purpose"
The conversation was one of those great turn arounds because in our friendship I am the one who has been trying to tell her-her happiness is what matters most and to let herself be happy. And now that she has found this gift...the tables have surely turned around on me.
I thought. Wow. Would you look at that. Would you look at the difference in us when we give ourselves permission to receive the gift of love.
When we let it in.
I loved hearing her say that to me for no other reason than her happiness.
I thought. Wow. Would you look at that.
The difference in us and our advice when we are not - in love.
And in another part of the world. The advice "Good things come to those who wait"
I thought. Wow. Would you look at that.
The difference in us when we have waited and our love has grown deeper and more rich in the waiting.
Then in another part of the world where I say "this feels different"
and I hear "different could be good"
I thought. Wow. Would you look at that. The person who has different than he expected and is "as" in love as my friend who is newly in love...his advice also matches...his own reality.
I am collecting all of this data. Receiving...noticing...seeing how it tastes...trying these concepts on...
Meanwhile: ...the whole time. I have the support of: The Wolf.
The Wolf says things like:
"I can see you really like this man. You're showing an unusual amount of patience. It feels like he is not taking the time and not seeing and not worried that he has this beautiful woman on an edge waiting to see if he is going to own his desire."
And there it is. That is all. There is nothing else to it. That's truly it. All of it.
Winner. Winner. Chicken dinner. Ugh. I love that wolf.
That. Is. It.
The wolf loves my chaotic feminine, my PMS and all of the other things that makes me -me. He can hold all of my truths without judgment. And I do tell him everything. He knows all the things, parts and pieces - I do not share in this blog. I mean, while I love to share and I love being authentic. I do have some common sense in my brain. Lol. There is at least 75% of my every day life I am not sharing. This brain of mine and how every second of every day is of great importance to me...combine that with the speed in which I am able to write. It take me seconds.
The wolf has also spent time with me. He is highly trained in paying attention. (More attention. Not more pressure) those who don't have the capacity to give their full attention feel pressure. Those trained in paying attention along the way...do not feel pressure. It's a very beautiful distinction. When the wolf was here and we were in our connection. He couldn't help but notice those little moments. As we were walking together and how I had the capacity to be with other humans and him without ever making him feel like I left him to be connected to others. A woman walked by us and her dress was beautiful. So I said it to her. Due to his attention -he could feel moments like this-I was still very much with him. That was because of his living his life through owning his desires and working with his ability to pay attention.
The gift of connection and friendship with him...I'm very grateful.
I have had more alone/still together experiences with my next door neighbor than I had in my marriage.
When I see images like above with "he who shall not be named" the man some people elected to run the country-the image above... I wince a little when I see that because I lived that. Particularly when other people were around and my former spouse wanted me to believe that was something I should just accept, I was being crazy, I needed to grow up. Stuff like that. And me being me-I was a total no to accepting that. I have to laugh when I think of all of the moments. Funny now. Not so funny then.
For me, my desire to go anywhere with him lowered. When he said he didn't want to do something, that I could go alone, I felt relief because around people, he was very different and that rarely felt good to me. He cared very deeply about what others thought of him. I cared very deeply about connection. Had my husband given himself permission to use his natural desires to lead him, unapologetically and with great attention in his own body...our connection would have been very different. He's living that way now and I'm very happy for him. In the same way...all the things that I could have done differently....would have created a very different two step dance.
And that happened on day 27 of my cycle. Exactly 24 hours before my cycle begins again. I really was not expecting to hear from McDreamy/McSteamy today. I was just moving in alignment with my own nature...I was heading to the community garden to get herbs for a friend to help her feel better, I was in a good space and then...he shows up.
And I don't give him any space, room or time to say one word. I don't even want to know what he has to say to me.
My left ovary is the ovary that causes me more trouble. I can feel my ovulation more intently and when that happens, I know, the next four days-I am unable to hold others because it is me who needs to be held.
I shut him right down by just texting away.
Dearest McDreamy/McSteamy Hybrid....
Sorry fella, this whole time I have been holding you reverently no matter what you do, don't do, no matter what you say or don't say....I've been gentle, kind, soft, responsive, patient, reverent, trusting, believing, light hearted, listening, bringing you back in when you disappear, reminding you in a sweet way- that you don't actually know me. I've been calm and cool and collected while also being very honest, articulate...sharing openly and the only real purpose to any of that is because I am guided by certain things and I want to see if you have the capacity to own your desire unapologetically.
And I'm not really sure if you have even been paying attention or not and at this point, that doesn't even matter.
today...is not the day for me to hold you because it is me who needs to be held today.
It's nothing personal. It's just this thing that happens to me four days a month and more strongly when an egg drops from my left ovary. And it just so happens to be....my left ovary...
At the same time- I am owning my choice of going on that Bumble thing and being the woman who makes the first move. I am taking responsibility, following the thread of the choice that I made even though I believe I need do nothing. I'm doing it anyway. I'm also trying something different here. It is not just you who is trying something different here.
Three times, I have brought you back into our connection because I want to follow the path of my left leg tingling. I want to see where that goes. I have noticed -when I lead-you show up and sensation happens to you too.
But I am not a dentist. I can not keep pulling you in because you're either following and trusting your own desires or your not.
Three times is three times too many. And that is no reflection of you, it's a reflection of me. I'm doing that.
I can not play your way anymore because quite frankly, it is you who should be holding me reverently and with great care. Regardless if it's two hours, one fondling experience, one full night, 15 days or a life time.
That is super easy to do when you follow your desires and express them without being cryptic or vague.
That's the beauty of PMS...it's full bodied in that way. It's a cleansing. It's all of it...all at once...swirling....and then on day 28...it all falls away as if it never happened. There is nothing. There is just a new day. That is how it goes with me. I do the best I can.
I fully accept being placed in the friendship zone because friendship is a piece of cake for me and what I always carry with me anyway, with everyone. That's like butter to me. Something tells me you do friendship well too. Besides, it was so effortless between us "live." I enjoyed you so very much. I love your wit and how much laughter I experienced with you.
Anyway, before I go.. I just want to mention...as your friend...it is best to lean in. Today would have been a good day to....lean in. Rather than leave a woman feeling like you can't handle her or the pressure...just lean in. Pay attention to the moments as they are happening. It's much easier. Mostly...it's much easier on you. (without all the other stuff you really do not desire) that will get you closer to what you want, faster.
And the next time you experience a woman who is able to articulate sensations that are happening in her body beyond the typical genitalia.... such as...the connection she is experiencing with you, she can feel a tingling sensation moving down her left leg and your body is full of sensation too, know that...that is your true desire. Follow that thread. Pay attention. It's called LIVING FULLY and you can trust that sort of thing....
it's just a suggestion...you are free to ignore it. I could tell you all of this rather than writing it, however...I don't want to be "too much."
Mostly, you are very likable. Just because I've been put in the friendship zone doesn't change your likability. Even my Wolf said that about you. While I did enjoy the left leg tingling very much, I like your likability more.
All is well
Funny story.... I was walking....deep in my creative process. It's a process that I do not like to be disturbed when it's happening. All of a sudden one of my friends begins to blow up my phone with texts. I have my phone in my hand as I'm walking to the beat of the music...a part of my creative process. That helps me. At first, I'm like okay....then as the texts kept coming in, I felt "hold up...you're moving to fast" Until finally...I am like "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
And in that moment...I shook my head...laughed and said...ah....and that is what I did today to McDreamy/McSteamy Hybrid.
I love when the universe hits me back so quickly so I can see myself. Of course that meant I needed to eat some humble pie!
So i sent McDreamy/McSteamy a 40 second video....apologizing for that part. I got it. I saw myself and what it must of been like for him.
Now with my friend...that is no big deal. That will not put us in the friendship zone because we already are friends. And if I wasn't in day 27, deeply in my own process, it would have been okay. I would have just carried on and came back to read it when I could.
I love my life. I love my life I LOVE MY LIFE.