The purest love is not unconditional love, it's Irrevocable Love and irrevocable love never dies.
I wasn’t fully conscious -the anesthesia was still in my blood making me groggy, the trauma of an emergency caesarean is not what I was expecting.
“Where’s the baby?,” I asked. "I want to meet him.”
My husband answered, "you did meet him"
"I did?" I could not recall any memory of meeting him
I kept at it, "Well, can you get him, I need to hold him."
My need at this time seemed to exceed legitimacy. There was an instinctual biological forcefield pulling deep within. I was the only home he had ever known-he needs me.
My husband had a pained expression as he leaned down to whisper as gently and as tenderly as he could:
“You can't hold him, there’s something wrong with him, the doctors are examining him now.”
I couldn't remember meeting the baby and I couldn't hear anything past the words "You can't hold him."
WHOOSH....no amount of anesthesia could have numbed me enough to not feel my own blood swirling quickly to my brain and this was not a slow burning temperature of heat rising. It's a very interesting experience to have a part of your body numbed while the inside of your body is boiling.
I was flooded beyond my ability to cope. My brain shut down. There wasn't a trace of logic, I had zero cognitive skills. There was just blood and heat circulating wildly, burning.
My husband continued to try and inform me:
"His thumbs are Crocked" he said
"His eyes are small" he said
"He's under 5 pounds" he said.
"These are all indicators of a chromosome disorder" he said.
My annoyed response, "So what, so what, SO WHAT! We will love him anyway, no matter what he looks like...we will love him anyway.
I NEED TO BE WITH HIM NOW!"
Please stop telling me what's wrong with him, please. Just let me hold him. I can't hear you. I can't think. I don’t even know what you are talking about or what those words even mean! I can't do anything. I just need to hold him. I am the only home he knows.
As each minute passed by, anxiety grew within me,
Please stop taking the time to worry about my incision, please stop trying to feed me medical information, please stop wasting time and just bring me to him.
Finally, it was time. I was being wheeled toward him. (Hurry up, please hurry!)
And there he was...I could see his tiny feet. I had a half of a second of relief before I could see wires, machines, an oxygen tank, needles in his teeny veins. My brain turned right back on, everything turned back on as I began to descending heavily into the truth. I was waking up.
"Oh, there really was something medically wrong."
Now, I really need to hold him!
(Oh no. Not this again-access denied?!)
I heard "You can use the gloves on the sides of the incubator."
I thought, “Rubber Gloves to hold a baby?”
He needs to feel the warmth of my body.
He needs my breath, my warm lips kissing him.
He needs my arms.
He needs my milk.
He needs more than cold rubber gloves touching him.
What a cold and cruel thing this is…
This was not unconditional love running through me, this was irrevocable love existing.
Unconditional love is often unattainable, undervalued and misunderstood. Irrevocable love is the type of love where reverence for the connection becomes all there is.
This trauma, is only a few hours of a life changing crisis of mine and my whole family actually.
If you follow the path within my story, it aligns with what I've needed to heal to remain open, soft, loving and kind.
This was a severe trauma for me.
Unlike irrevocable love, you can actually revoke or remove trauma, slowly and carefully, if you desire to do so. But it takes a hell of a lot of dedication, being willing to not care what others think while also having the desire to freely show up in your life -with the people that you love, in loving ways.
It isn't an easy journey or a path everyone is willing to take because it does require not being afraid of every aspect of yourself.
I am willing to be on the path. I'm really not afraid of every aspect of myself. I haven't done it so eloquently: But here is what I have recently realized:
I want to know what blocks are getting in my way, because when I remove those blocks, I can see, feel and hear irrevocable love everywhere I go. Life is so beautiful.
It lives in the sound of the wind picking up against the trees, I can feel it moving through my hair here in Hawaii. It's in the way a bird flies or sings. I see it radiating out of a small child. It's in my own heart.
To me, that is worth sharing my story, writing my books, being open, facing my triggers.
To walk in a world of irrevocable love and to be irrevocably loving.
I no longer believe in damaging my own physiology in order to grow or get past a trauma trigger.
I now walk with irrevocable love for myself, warts and all and if something happens in my life that lets me know "oh, you are being triggered." I walk right into it, play with it, let it come, I cry, I get angry, I see what I need to see, face what I need to face, learn and then I walk out of the other side with a new sense of freedom. And I discovered, for me, the way to do this is to move through it, not toughen up, suck it up or quick get it done in 10 seconds or less. That is the exact mindset that has kept me stuck. It seems so much more gentle to be happy and just allow things to unfold and when they do that's when I dig in. It feels more loving to me. I don't get sick now because I am not trying to force myself to be anywhere in my development where I am not.
I've learned, the hard way: No one who carries their own trauma triggers can help me with mine and if I'm not careful, I can become re-stimulated.
I now know the difference between empathy vs apathy and how other people's harshness masked in the form of "caring," can eventually land me in this odd internal level of apathy if I don't follow my own inner guru.
There is this place where empathy turns into apathy for me and it all happens in such subtle and insidious ways, I could barely realize what was happening until it already happened.
How or why empathy can shift quickly into apathy, I'm pretty sure we've all experienced that in times like 911, and it seems we live in a culture now where people's empathy centers are closed off or shut down. (It is just too painful to care) But for some of us overly empathetic people who can easily head into an apathy state without realizing it (Feeling collective grief beyond what's classified as normal) It is a very dangerous message to tell a person like me that I need to put others before myself.
Which brings us to the next Lesson of Love & Loss...
Empathy vs Apathy...Know thy difference