June 11 Birthdays....
It's wild to me....how insights swirl and get downloaded....how one seemingly unrelated connection helps me get crystal clear on another connection and how I can tie that all together and get back to what is true...for me.
I didn't experience that with her father. I experienced that with her. From there (the soul deepening) my commitment, dedication, desire to guide, protect and teach her...was effortless. It just existed in me. Solidified for 10 years with reassessing, backing up (when her grandmother moved to PA) and leaning in when it was right for me to do so.
This morning, on her 16th birthday, I began to lean-in and recognize how many times in my life have I had that soul deepening experience with another human being? You just have it, and your commitment and the love with that human being just is. There is no trying to make it work...it just works.
I experienced that in high school with a young lady. I felt a soul deepening and it's over 30 years later, the love and the commitment to our friendship has not changed. We've changed, we live very different lives, however, our love has not been....changeable.
John Wayne? There was no intent to have anything deepen in the soul, in fact we went out of our way to label the connection as just play but again, that soul deepening happened anyway. (I am always talking about from my own vantage point, within my own body-not for these men) and I've had amazing experiences/relations with both of them. There was nothing inside of me that felt compelled to remove relations from the equation because with both men, I knew exactly what I was getting into and I didn't have that being intimate would mean-I would imprint on them and never ever ever be able to be with anyone else. That just didn't happen.
Now: This McDreamy/McSteamy fella...This morning I woke up thinking about him and I felt tense, uncomfortable in my own skin. I leaned-in. There was a moment where I understood, this is not a man I can have relations with because if I do, I will imprint on him and go right into "that is all" as was true with the other people whom that was true with (Minus the sexual part) It was uncharted territory for me.
People don't want their connections to be about sex. What they are saying is-I want something more. I DO actually want my connections to be about sex AND I want something more. I have that empowered framework
Not either or: Both
No 'But" just AND
The minute I discovered I am a no to having sex with this man because I will imprint on him, all of the tension, discomfort and all of those other sensations....disappeared. I felt very very peaceful. That peacefulness is my soul and my psyche letting me know...I am taking very good care of them both.
I can do PG rated movies, I can even head into the R rated zone, but I can not go any further than that. Not because of his boundaries or what he wants or even that mentality of "I don't want it to be about sex"
The only reason I can not have sex with this man is because of that soul deepening I'm experiencing in my own body and the thread I can feel as-what is true for me.
If I did that, I would be setting myself up...for unnecessary pain. Why would I do anything that will not feel good, before, during and after? I won't. I need the after to feel just as good as the beginning and the during.
I don't understand it, it isn't something that sounds very logical to me personally but that doesn't matter to me at all. I trust my soul, it's yearnings, it's knowing....
I am perfectly capable of being in all different kinds of connections with all different kinds of humans without imprinting on them.
The answer with the McDreamy/McSteamy man is: NO. It will not feel good after. It will be intense and amazing and wonderful and he will have the power to hurt me because I will imprint on him. These kinds of soul deepening connections have to be honoured from within ourselves. Not based on the recommendations of other people but from deep within ourselves.
I may never even hear from him again and that does not even matter. What matters is: I trust myself. (That doesn't mean I wouldn't love to hear from him again, it just means, if I don't, that is okay too)
There was one more thing I really got present to with the lovely McDreamy/McSteamy. Things have surely changed for me. I've been living alone happily but I just experienced an expansion with my neighbor because he has found deep and enriching love. We were both single and both having a love affair with ourselves and as friends and humans who support and respect each other -our flow was such that there was warmth circulating between us, our homes and even our kitchens. Closing the door meant we wanted privacy (that was either of us) sometimes the doors were open and he would be doing his attorney stuff at his desk while I was doing my writing at my desk as the trade winds circulated between our places and I felt that warm sensation of having someone and being so at ease that we could be together apart and focus on our individual work. It felt like we lived together although we do not live together and whenever either one of us closed our doors...it was as warm and as soft as when they were open.
That is gone now. Due to the deep love found and the need to create intimacy as two new people in love and all that that means...there is a shift and change and I can feel this very vividly. And I love that my friend found love and I genuinely like the person he loves too. This isn't about their gain. It's about feeling my loss and feeling it as a loss cause it is a loss and it's one of those sideways loss's although at any time I can just knock and no one has actually left me and nothing has "really changed" there has been a change -it's all true. It's that co-existence. I didn't even notice that the connection I was experiencing with my friend was filling me in a way that I had an illusional sense of having a partner already in the form of a non partner. Lol. (Minus the sexual union)
But it does make me wonder...how many friends in the single world feel that sideways unexpected loss from their friend gaining love? I like that I can feel that, know that is true for me and still be super happy and delighted that my friend found someone. Again- all at the same time. And I'm very grateful that I can see very clearly- lean into myself -what is just mine- and say "maybe it's time you stop researching and interviewing lovers, couples, spouses and other people's love stories and using other people's oxytocin as if it's your own and and actually get into the arena again - by experiencing your own love story and allow others to use your love story and your oxytocin to inspire them.
It's just that......all of these recent experiences I have been having are all letting me know...one by one, slowly and at a rate that gives me time to feel into them... To follow that soul deepening and I am more ready now and int ways that I wasn't before.
What is still very much the same in me is: my life is now and there is also no rush.
Both of my marriages, that soul deepening happened with the children. In this way, I've never been or had a marriage or a partnership that began through the soul deepening portal- although all of the connections where I have experienced that soul deepening-I've noticed....the effortlessness within myself in terms of: it is super easy for me to be my word, stay committed, love deeply (unconditionally) not leave the room just because something gets hard, sit next to someone in their pain and in their joy and so much more. Or, it's as simple as....my love and adoration for those people has not changed.
Life and connection can become difficult and challenging through the ebb and flow of life and living. When there is a soul deepening that takes place...all of the ebb and flow.....it just becomes...the ebb and flow. A part of being connected and in the connection with another person. I'm deeply committed to my life being easier, not more difficult. To working smarter, not harder. Although, soul deep connections scare the crap out of humans most of the time because...you can't hide anything within the framework of them. I think that could be why people stay so busy making their lists of what another person "must have." and leading with that rather than their actual soul.
I am aware not everyone cares about depth or soul as I do....that's cool. We all get to decide and make our own choices after all...
I'm just talking out loud here....:) I'm just...being me!