Momi understood completely. How I felt. How shocking it was to me that I actually forgot something as harmless and as simple as these types of expressions and how out of sync I felt in my own body.
I shared with her my experience of my flights to Maui, and Kauai and how those experiences felt amazing. Yet my return flight from LA there were moments that were seriously challenging for my system and I had the best experience in LA. It was really beautiful. I was in a zen, meditative space and I was deeply fulfilled in every way. It was how angry many people... who were getting on my flight were. And how no one would move out of the way for the people in the wheelchairs or the small children. I felt anxious about being on a 6 hour flight with these people. What was great was that they all wore themselves out and most of the people who were so angry were sleeping within minutes after take off. Maybe they were just tired I don't know but...everything in me just wanted to get back here. And you know, Waikiki has it's own flair and share of angry people. So it isn't like there isn't any reality here. It's just that the island itself offers something unique in being able to drown that out with it's natural beauty.
So for the next 4 months, I will be working on my own new found culture shock fragility. Just what I needed, another level of fragility LOL
I'm being playful by the way
And you know, people usually feel something around my stories. Particularly the man stories. I just want to invite those who love me to relax.....Processing where I am is good for me. Always.
When my grandmother met the men in my life, on their way in or on their way out - either way...she would say "He is or he was just a stepping stone on your path. That doesn't make it any less valuable. Stepping stones are just as important" She seemed to know, I had lessons to learn and that I was the only person who could learn them.
As everyone believed in always and forever only- I believed in
A reason, A season and A lifetime.
That people come into our lives for a reason or a season and sometimes a life time. I have always liked to leave room for all of the above, just in case.
As a single mother, I found men led with their respect for motherhood. There was something about a single mother that had them take a step back before taking a step forward. Motherhood had meant something to them. There was always a desire for a slow courting process with deep levels of respect. Yet, that way was never a guarantee or a sure bet with me and every connection was so different.
My life is different now. I live alone on this island. There is no added element of a young person in my care to straighten men up. They are either already straight or they are not. It's just different and in different too. Sort of.
Ken Page L.C.S.W.
"Instead of helping us embrace our core gifts, the singles world teaches us to dishonor them—in ourselves and in the people we date. Like those ugly fun-house mirrors, the prevailing singles culture flashes distorted, haunting images at us--images of our own flaws and inadequacies and of the inadequacies of the people we date. The solution is not to find our self-esteem within the walls of that hall of mirrors. It is to get out, and to find a better path.
I’ve found that the key does not lie in simply accepting our authentic self, in all its humanity. The key lies in treasuring it, in all its timidity, imperfection and excess. We have the right to honor our core gifts, and to only choose people who can do the same.
When we do that in a non-defensive way, our world begins to change. That’s when we somehow find ourselves dating people who accept us for who we are; people who are kind, generous of spirit and available. I can’t explain why this happens, but I’ve see it occur so many times that I’ve come to accept it as a happy truth in the frequently treacherous world of dating."
According to Ken Page, the Author of Deeper Dating, which was one of the series of books I read when I lived in Boca Raton
Signs that healthy love is on it's way:
You lose your taste for “attractions of deprivation”
Kindness and availability become more important to you
You become willing to give up your “flight patterns”
You lead with your authentic self.
Although Meat Loaf sings "Two out of Three ain't bad." And he's holding onto the only girl he ever loved (and I'm not holding anyone)
I find myself singing "3 out of 4 ain't bad..... to myself. And I'd also have to change some of the other lyrics...but the ones I've selected below are very true for me. Sort of (I'm not really crying, I'm just processing but if I was crying it would totally be icicles....
Yet the point is...as I get in touch with my own soul... If I used these four markers. I feel that I have 3 of the 4 down and the one that feels like maybe I don't have that one down just yet...It's actually subjective rather than "for sure"
I can't lie, I can't tell you that I'm something I'm not
No matter how I try
I'll never be able to give you something
Something that I just haven't got
I tried to show you just how much I care
I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout
But you've been cold to me so long
I'm crying icicles instead of tears
WHERE AM I REALLY?
― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"
I had a conversation with my friend Mark and he said "sometimes a man needs to be bitten"
Im pretty good at that generally speaking and I am not looking for or interested in the type of man who still does things unconsciously just to see if I know how to stand up for myself. I'm looking for kindness and availability. I actually want to be connected. In friendship or otherwise. I really do have that reason, season or lifetime thing running through my veins.
WOMAN LIKE ME
Before you get too, deep up in it
'Cause everything ain't what it seems
It's hard loving a woman
Can't believe everything you see
Me...just being me
So....I'm cutting myself off and will spin back to this life partner stuff when I am fulfilled with what I really need: Which is to reconnect with my friends and family