Within a few seconds I felt the desire to cuddle. McDreamy/McSteamy popped into my head because he is the only person recently I have had in my bed...to cuddle. I felt a longing to have him there to cuddle with. This was not good news to my brain because it doesn't align with the reality. I've already reconciled being friend zoned in my body, mind and spirit. Not being aligned with the reality, That is no reason to beat myself up or minimize my own being. It is not wise to be angry at my own longings. We all long for whatever we long for after all and my left leg does not lie. It's just never wrong. Although that is now gone-It does mean there was a thread to follow-why I showed up so strangely. What got into me? Is this my ego? Lol. You know...it could always be that simple.
As me being me, it benefits me more to lean into inquiry to see what something is really about for me and I love to do that. To be in self discovery. I also noticed, my digestion system was working more than perfectly. That is my emotional Achilles' heel
My digestive system is a tell tale sign that everything is in good order for me health wise and emotional wise, and when it isn't, there is usually a stress in my life that is impacting me negatively. It's connected to the flow of my hormonal cycle too. This is why I need to be mindful about what I digest, ingest, absorb and eliminate. Not just foods.
I can't say that I never wake up longing to cuddle because I do. However that only happens with two men and my desire is in complete alignment with the thread that exists between me and those two men. There are no Discrepancies.
The Wolf. The wolf and I, in our connection and his ability to hold me cerebrally, emotionally etc...I feel that desire to just be held by him. Like I want to crawl up and allow him to hold me. And when I tell him that he receives me softly with a level of openness -so much so-I never have to worry about him getting all weird about it. He doesn't accuse me of anything. Once I share it and he receives it. I actually feels like he did actually cuddle me and it just floats away into a beautiful nothingness.
The Rock. He's a cuddly creature. On the rare occasions that I am graced with his presence, he is all about the cuddling. He's all about other things too and there is nothing else. Whenever I feel him, all I have to do is send him an emoticon and next thing I know he's at my house within some time frame that feels really good. He reaches out to me too and it's the same thing. That's alignment in connection. There are no bad side affects, zero negative impacts, no residue left that makes me feel like I need to do anything other than he who I already am. Full of aloha and I am left warm and in being left warm. I leave those men alone.
If you've been reading my blog and you remember my experience with the Cowboy, and how it took me a little bit of time to align with the reality in that connection. I was new to the whole transient connection thing and mostly, he was the first person that was here longer than a day or a weekend. Yet, even though it took me some time...He stayed in connection with me, trusting me and knowing...all I needed was closure and the end to be as warm as the beginning and middle. That was over a year ago and the cowboy and I just had a text exchange after several months because he was around last year for the Lantern Lightening. When I sent him the video of that..he responded right away. It's truly all "aloha." There is no cold, there is no stop, blocks, ignoring, bad attitudes, biting or meanness in any of these men. They are mature enough to allow a woman room to complete and in doing so...everything all works out as it should. I am left warm and held and there is freedom and just beauty and that. is. all.
To be crystal clear:
Not by the connections, not by the beginning or by the middle, but by their inability to give me room to close out with them in a mature transformative way where I can continue to respect them fully. Both men have the capacity to show up fully so there really is no excuse. Both men are also far too old too. When I say that what I mean is, they are far too old to not know-a woman just needs closure. There is no legitimate reason to ever leave a woman like me in a space of coldness. I have a little more compassion for McDreamy/McSteamy because it was so short and we didn't do much so there really isn't a whole lot of experiences with me. Therefore he is completely off the hook. However, I am still left cold as I'm waking up with a longing and that is only because he wigged out on the closing out part. I don't like when men do that.
Although, this isn't about him or John Wayne, it's about me-who I am, how I work and what triggers me. What my kryptonite is.
Heart and soul in expansion as it relates to...just follow the thread to completion and see what the thread says. That's a very important distinction. I can do heart and soul and no attachment. As I was telling my man friends last night "I am like a dude in this way." As long as....the desire has a direct path and I'm told what the truth is, in each moment.
MY LIFE TRACK
They care about others and their world is loaded with good people who care about them too. Community, people, humans....
Much of the time growing up, anyone in need, was welcome into our home through their transitions. In other words, as the only girl in the house, I often ended up sharing my space with a female friend or family member when they experienced that "in between" thing many humans experience along their journey in life.i remember this so vividly. My parents way of helping others.
That place where people just need a warm space to hang their weary head for a little bit before they could go back out into the world and start again. My parents did this for people. They are warm humans in that way. My childhood home was a zero judgement zone in this realm. People have temporary hardships and temporary needs and my parents were more than happy to help others.
And me being the ultimate feminine who just loves to share, I never felt like anyone was taking anything away from me. I was always happy to be sharing my space with someone who needed that. In fact, their departure was something I experienced as something to feel warm about because it meant they were ready to take on their lives again. I was very young when I felt that mix of miss and good for you.
My older brother had that "Get out of my space" thing, which never stopped me from being in his space. I was that completely annoying little sister who just wanted to be near him.
I looked up to him and the more he told me to get away from him, the more I wanted to be around him. In the moments when he was happy to be connected to me, I was very still and very happy on my insides. Because any second his mood could shift. Lol. He's one of those creative people who's mood tends to shift. At least with his sister anyway.
In any and all of the places where connection could be had with my big brother, I wasn't going to miss those moments. Not for anything in the world. He was rarely able to handle my big emotions LOL. The whole sister thing wasn't something he was too happy about. Sibling stuff, you know....
That part of me may have been coming out with McDreamy/McSteamy Hybrid and I'm able to stay in humor about it because I think it's hysterical just how much my presence and my love for my older brother makes him go "Yuck" even to this very day. It cracks me up actually.
I am "too much," for him. Yet, that really doesn't stop me cause I'm an excitable loving puppy. And so-being too much isn't new to me. So I'm thinking there was a trace of that in this connection. I think that often comes out and into play any time I feel that sensation of someone experiencing me as being "too much," It's like all I have to do is sense that in another person and there is something in me that I will keep showing up as "too much."
Now, as an adult, sometimes I do that because I want to see if that person has enough emotional honesty in them, and reverence for me- to be able to give me their boundaries.
I want to know, if they know themselves well enough to know...not to proceed with me if I am "too much," for them. Or I want to know, if I am the only emotionally honest human in the space between us.
Can you be emotionally honest and just follow the thread to completion?
Then with my younger brother it was always so different. He looked up to me and I loved having him around because I thought I was his little mother. You know, I really did think he was my son for a very long time. He was so cute, open and lovable. I couldn't wait for him to come home from the hospital because I couldn't wait to hold him and love him and get to know who he was. That's who I was as a person at 5 years old. Not much has changed there. There were moments with my younger brother where he had to tell me to stop coming in and protecting him because I was making him look like a sissy. LOL I tried to respect that but I just couldn't take anyone picking on his little being. Only I could do that and only I could do that because I loved him. It was very hard for me not to be both protective and stern with my little brother because I really did think, I was his second mother and it was my job to do that. It's so funny. We struggled in our connection through some things but he's always been so loving, open and willing to connect. Now, he thinks he's my father and it's very endearing. Paybacks.
If I expand my original tribe circle to cousins, aunts, uncle's and my grandmother. Which my grandmother- is sort of right there with my parents actually because a lot of my childhood, I was covered in grandmother love. She made me feel like I was the most beautiful person on the planet. Inside and out. I think that's the beauty of being a grandparent. You get to just love straight out. She was that for me. That soft place I could land. I had her and I had my mother. Often as a little girl, when I saw my mother laying down on the sofa (which was very rare with three children) and she was laying on her side with her knees bent, I would get very excited because her body was this warm fort that I could climb up on the sofa and be in the warm fort that was my mothers body and rest my head on her hip bone or the side of her belly. You know...where mommies hold their babies with one hand on their hip. I have to laugh because when I think of this, I think, that poor woman, she couldn't even lay on the sofa without me seeing that as an opportunity to be all up on her. As if there was an invitation or something. Kids are funny in this way. Even if there is no invitation, they will just come right in and take up space in the warm fort without asking for permission to do so. I was absolutely that child.
Warm Warm Warm....In between all of the family incidents, breakdowns, breakthroughs and just living....warm warm warm.
In my early twenties, I just happened to have something happen to me that changed everything. Donovan's death was something that changed me on every level. It's not something I planned or asked for or even wanted. It just happened.
There is this theory about breaking the chain of family ties, but I would say there is a place beyond that. Past that.
It is this amazing, reverent, beautiful incredible place that lives past- "breaking the chains that binds" where you return and get to love each other with deep reverence and incredible depth.
It's a place that you get to live in after you take responsibility for your own existence. My family has loved me and held me through a tremendous amount of changes and all of my wild beast moments. And how many times I have changed my life along the way.
They never left my side. No matter how weird my interests became. Or how "Ko-Ko" I seemed to them.
And I have gone to some very weird places just to see what it meant, felt like, looked like, tasted, smelled like.
I do that to expand myself and to keep eradicating judgments I may be carrying based on my own ignorance which is usually based on a lack of experience.
It's not about them. It's just something I like to do. I can't wait to go home and see everyone in October. I'm really looking forward to being with my family. Particularly my son, my parents, my brothers, their wives and their children. I can't wait to see who everyone is now. You know, we think we know our family but I have found the most joy and wonder in getting to know who everyone is...in their now. My son for instance. He's going to be 26 years old. I don't know whats "really" going on in his world. We facetime and text and he was here for a week, but he's a man now. There are many things in his world that are none of my business and would be none of my business even if I lived a few miles away. I'm looking forward to seeing him, listening to him, him telling me what is important to him. Same with everyone else. I just want to know everyone all over again, as they are...now.
And I am feeling like, two years is too long. I'm starting to feel...it is past time for me to go home for a visit but I'm respecting my fathers wishes that I wait until October. So that's what I am doing.
So I don't have a bunch of unresolved stuff I've never looked at or dealt with. I've been doing that since I was 25 years old. but I do have this thing right now where I do feel a little emotional and blocked in wanting to be there now. It comes and goes.
I almost cried in hula last week because the advanced class is truly above me and I learned we are going to be performing. Both of these things are what I want to happen. I will learn so much from the advanced students. And both of these things happening at the same time hit me all at once and it almost made me cry. But, I didn't. There is being on the tip of your growing edge and then there is jumping off the cliff. I'm not really into cliff diving. We go from kindergarten to the next level. For me, being in the advanced class is truly far above my skill set. So I experienced the sensation of feeling like I'm going to pop like a pimple but I didn't pop because at that point, I hadn't experienced being weakened.
Keep in mind, Hula is something I'm bringing all of myself too from a desire stadpoint. It is fun and lovely and I want it to be something that changes who I am. So when I speak of it...it exists on that level for me.
I was able to go home, breath and practice hula. I have done very little other than write, work and practice hula. It's at a whole new level for me. Far far above my growing edge. And I'm so in love with hula, I have so much respect for the Hawaiian culture it means a lot to me I want to honor it and represent it well. I feel lucky to even live on this island with these people.
So today as I was cry-arguing. My inability to manage my emotions was releasing more than just above the edge of my own capacity to grow- that has been coming due to being weakened and it was not just about that moment. That made me cry a little more. My knowing that-it was not just about Hula.
That is what Cold temperatures does to me. It weakens my system.
There is no cry-arguing in Hula. It is deeply disrespectful to a Kumu. There is an entire systemic respect system, thread required being a student. Many cry because it is an initiation. Story after story. I would think it's a similar process as the military actually only different. Hula is not intended to knock you down to nothing and then build you back up but it does do that in a very different way in terms of becoming what you need to become. Graceful is not a word I associate myself as being. Yet I'm noticing. I am being that. I feel it happening in my dance. My movements and I feel it happening when I make mistakes and how I handle my mistakes. I'm able to recover and be graceful about it.
I know better than to cry-argue in Hula. I have been taught well. That's it what you do. What you do is listen and follow and by doing that anyone else in the class who may also need that lesson. Gets it. And then you turn your knowing into a question which also has the power to help the entire class.
One of the women said "I'm glad you said that was your challenge because it was mine too."
I responded "I'm glad my breakdown helped you." Because that did actually make me feel better. Mostly though, my recovery from my breakdown was humility and ownership and Momi thanked me for recovering so "gracefully" which made me cry too because I'm so not perfect yet I can feel the truth of my own gracefulness growth. I am being changed by Hula. I don't even remember the journey of becoming a first degree black belt in Tae kwon do being this challenging. There are similar aspects in terms of how I practice every day and how deeply committed I am but this feels deeper somehow. Perhaps, if I lived in Korea for the years I was deeply dedicated to martial arts, it would have been this challenging. I don't know. It's possible.
So, in being weakened...I got to experience myself being graceful at a whole new level. I don't know how to explain that or if that makes any sense.
The Everyday Goddess's in ME
Goddesses in ME
I'm also consistently working on my Love Affair with Thy Self which means I'm always getting to know myself in deeper levels.
As a child:
In my own nature- I embodied, The Vulnerable Goddesses: Demeter, and Persephone mostly.
Demeter: Goddess of Grain, Nurturer and Mother
Persephone: The Maiden and Queen of the Underworld, Receptive Woman and Mother’s Daughter
Athena: Goddess of Wisdom and Crafts, Strategist and Father’s Daughter
On a base line level I am very female in my nature. That includes little stuff like : I wanted to be wearing dress's. I felt more ME in them. To this very day, I still feel more me in a beautiful dress, or skirts than I ever do or did, in pants. It just feels like the most natural thing in the world...as me being me. I love it. No matter what the style may be...I feel most me in a dress. I like to feel flowing and womanly. That is how dresses and skirts make me feel.
Yet, I've always had that Athena in me too. When I put my sneakers on, have my hair up and I'm in that mode of walking or working out...When I come home and shower and put a skirt on, I feel a level of wholeness in terms of those goddess activations having room to be.
I had that activation as well. And Hera is combined there with Athena. That's a whole other subject for a whole other blog, that I may not get to. And then there is...
Always. She, unlike all the other goddess activations in me, Aphrodite's is always just there. It does not matter if I am single or married or have a main man or don't. The Aphrodite's in me wants me to listen to her. Always. She's very strong in me and when I don't listen to her, I have all kinds of problems and my problems become other people's problems and that's no fun for anyone.
So for me, honoring her is always the best medicine
the problem is:
In this world, if there is one goddess that is most often brutalized, misunderstood, minimized, abused, threatening, triggering and all of that stuff.... it is Aphrodite's and even the The Vulnerable Goddesses: Demeter, and Persephone inside of myself are consistently concerned about others feelings. Talk about in inner battle of activations.
In both of my marriages, these men were married to an Aphrodite and they did not know how to handle her because- you can't handle an Aphrodite, you just have to love her as she is and let her be who she is.
Hera: Goddess of Marriage, Commitment Maker and Wife -Strong in me and Aphrodite is equally strong. Thats a lot of goddess activations.
When a woman owns herself and has freedom to move, shift, change and allows the next goddess that needs to be activated in her, at that stage of her life, it's an emotional evolutionary process.
Whatever is meant to be, gets activated if and when she does her own work. If and when she is deeply held and supported by her tribe, if and when...she's cut through all of the bullshit and nonsense of other people's square boxes. And a woman in midlife who owns herself-has very little tolerance for bullshit and nonsense. The reason she does is because she knows It weakens her. That's why mid-life women do not put up with much crap from others. I am just becoming centered in my now.
That whole big "Cougar" crappy framing for a midlife woman.
It's okay, I guess..... but for some of us Aphrodite's...the desire isn't because we are "suddenly," cougars because we've always been that way. Always.
its just a little more so.
For those of us who are always Aphrodite-that cougar thing kind of minimizes us, our desires, and our natures. And most men who see and say cougars are all around them "control yourself" minimize us more by putting us in that box. Not cool.
There are many women who are Aphrodite's in this world and they are still afraid to be honest about that because they are also Hera's. Wife-commitment centered and while some men can handle the wife goddess and the Aphrodite in the same woman, many can not because Aphrodite is the Goddess of Love and Beauty, Creative Woman and Lover
She's the only: Alchemical Goddess
Meaning, she will change you in deep and profound ways. It will make him better but it does not always feel so good.
What makes any woman a woman is never defined by anyone or anything but the woman's nature and what is activated or what is trying to be born inside of her.
I stand by that. I stand by that more firmly today than ever before.
Hestia: Goddess of the Hearth and Temple, Wise Woman and Maiden Aunt
Aphrodite: Goddess of Love and Beauty, Creative Woman and Lover
Artemis: Goddess of the Hunt and Moon, Competitor and Sister
Which I believe will make me one amazing Grandmother because those other goddess's are so easily activated in me and have been for so many years...they are now just always there. I can activate them easily.
Pele: Goddess of fire, lightning, wind and volcanoes and the creator of the Hawaiian Islands.
Hula has its origins in ancient history as a ritual dance performed for the Volcano goddess, Pele. It is said that her sister, Hi'iaka originally performed the dance for Pele. The goddess Laka is the keeper of the dance. She was honored with prayers, offerings and leis which were given by the dancers. Laka is the goddess most often referred to when it comes to modern Hula dancing. The history is an oral one and variations of the ancient myth exist. In fact, a "mele" is often performed that describes the story of Hi'aka and Pele.
He's very cute and he's very serious about me going to the big Island I also must wear red....He expands the framework of my goddess work. As does living in Hawaii and wanting to study the culture and add goddess's like Pele into my work with women mix.
Back to: Discrepancies.
I ask you reverently to excuse my language but I have truly had it with this culture and all the insidious ways both men and women...fuck with a woman's psyche.
The lack of substance, the lack of depth, the lack of maturity... well, that sort of thing...activates another goddess in me....
By the way, I feel something around using the F word in my blog. I am deeply uncomfortable with writing in that way. That is the mom goddess in me, she just won't go away!!! I want to call myself a potty mouth and tell myself "Is that really necessary?" but...it feels like honesty in this moment.
This blog is long...I will have to finish this in my next entry.
This weekend I am looking forward to: Strengthening.