LOVE AFFAIR DEFINED: a feeling of great interest in and enthusiasm for something; a lively enthusiasm
LOVER: one who is fond of or devoted to something
LOVE AFFAIR WITH THYSELF: a feeling of great interest, enthusiasm, fondness and devotion to being the highest version of yourself. Created as an on-going, ever evolving process of exploring, experimentation and discovering yourself through deep layers of self-love. Fulfillment derived from within, which will then beam outward into the world.
As Rabbi Dr Abraham shares..."The stimulous for the lobster to grow is that it feels uncomfortable. Now, if Lobsters had doctors, they would never grow. Because as soon as the lobster feels uncomfortable, goes to the doctor, gets a valium, a percocet.. feels fine."
I continue to marvel.... at my age...I continue to have discomfort followed by growth in areas that I want to grow in. I have felt "squeezed," lately...
I had to disconnect to all of that and reconnect to myself in fun and interesting ways while also allowing myself to be squeezed just enough that felt like my growing edge vs me being swallowed up.
I'm thrilled to be on the other side of this right now. I'm even more astonished that I am in that place, that place that comes every month like clock work...the PMS stage and I feel so damn good. I did wake up a little grumpy and discovered a pimple on my chin. I looked in the mirror and smiled "This is your biggest problem? You have a pimple on your face? Well that's just....as Dr PK Roberts would say..."Super FANTASTIC!" In the land where problems exist, I have negative zero today.
After shaking off a little bit of PMS...
Into my Love Affair with My Self I went... Warm oil rubbed on my entire body, followed by Asanas, and into my TM I went.
Ever since I heard this song below from OM Aloha's SoundCloud mix...It has become a part of my LAWTS. I feel it move through my entire body. I can't stop dancing to it either. I am in love with this song. There are so many things to be in a love affair with. It's like a never ending river that just keeps flowing....
When I was done she said "That reminds me of the movie Avatar" I said "YES!!! It is exactly like that! But it doesn't have to be for life or anything like that.....
Mostly I'd say... In a world that has taught men to disconnect from their desires and their hearts.... OM restores many things...
I told her "I'm going to write this in my blog today"
She said "No, don't do that...then I will have people knocking at my door"
as she quickly turned her head to her front door. Hysterical
I told her "I'm going to write this in my blog today"
She said "Speaking of your blog...I have heard>>>>>>>"
I can't help but laugh at how people are dying to tell on me to my parents as if I'm a child. In humor and jest I said "Who, tell me who the rat is?"
She made bad connection sounds and said "Sorry, bad connection"
I mean the woman makes me laugh that silly tears streaming down my face laughter. I really love her.
Then she asked me the big question. The one I wasn't expecting.
She asks......"So, who was/is the greatest love of your life?"
I felt in my body my truth.
Me. I am the greatest love of my life and that feels truer than true to me in this moment.
Well this is an excellent question I haven't even considered.
There is no lost love of my life. There is no one. If you had asked me this question at various points in my life before these last almost two years, Well I could have given you many different names. However, love as I now know it to be....there is truly no one except me.
The deeper I went into this truth the happier and more joyful I became. Life suddenly felt that much more vibrant and exciting actually. The few people that could have been were not ready and the few people that might have been, I was not ready. There has been no shortage of love in my life. I can't find any shortages but I also can't find the love of my life either.
An old boyfriend did come up in my mind. When we met I felt so much gratitude and love. I remember feeling like even if this doesn't last how I felt about him in that moment was the best feeling in the world. I was deeply present to the sensations running through me. To this day he remains my favorite boyfriend because we laughed so much. So much and he was a gentlemen in all the right places and not a gentlemen in all the right places too.
Every connection has been uniquely different and this is what I think people who have been married forever or have been with or pinned for the same person forever and a day-(perhaps they had the love of their lives) do not really understand and why they feel so sorry for people like me... but it is all very unnecessary. And I wish people would stop doing that to people like me because it perpetuates some kind of divide that also doesn't really exist (In my not so humble opinion)
my life has been amazing in so many ways I don't even know where to start.
One fella wrote me a song. He called it "Christina Dreaming," he woke me up one morning wearing just his jeans with his guitar. What a beautiful gift and memory. I still have the lyrics to that song. I think i folded it into my bible.
There is also the man who came into the barber shop for a hair cut every week for many months and every time he did he asked me out. I'd say you're too young (4 years younger) so every time he came in (which was every week)
I'd say "How are you today?"
He'd say "I'm doing amazing. I'm getting older every day"
Then we were outside one day and he grabbed my hand and it was all very sleepless in Seattle sensation because when he grabbed my hand I felt his warmth. He had these amazing hands. And it was him and his family that helped heal me at Christmas time. After Donovan died I felt different at Christmas. It was just not the same for me on my insides. Through the love and warmth he and his mother extended to me I felt like they were healing me somehow.
The list is endless for me. It might not be the happily ever after people expect but it is my life. Sort of the same way I wanted 6 children and I ended up with 6 children in my heart who I was lucky to help raise at different time periods in their and my life.
Through all of this I was becoming and all that has not been or was not Soul was being shaken out of me. Sure, there was rain, tornadoes and hurricanes but those are the things that moved me into the depth then grew me. And the truth is, I probably have just as many warm, tender, juicy, vibrant moments as anyone else. No matter if they have been married for 30 years or 30 minutes, or if they are in a lot of relationships all at once, or whatever the case may be. There is and has been no shortages for me.
And there it is.....I've been fortunate in my life to have many single moments of that intensity and I agree with OSHO. Those stepping stones and moments have been more gratifying than the whole eterinty of mediocre living"
That's for me, It doesn't have to be for anyone else. I am the only one who knows the truth of my life. All of it. Every moment. Just me.
Maybe for many humans...the song goes "first comes love, then comes marriage then comes the baby in the baby carriage." Well, I have a different song going on in my existence...It goes more like this....
"First comes freedom, then comes love and I have already had my babies, thanks anyway"
I do believe though...it depends greatly on a few things with the most important thing being freedom.
We agreed to be Lovers in an Open relationship. That's what we are "playing" into. That's what we co-created. I couldn't be happier about this because of how my song goes....."First comes freedom"
He's barely on the island. Which is perfect for me because my life is dreamy and magical and I love it as it is and he is open and willing to play with me in something that has no other purpose than to just be in it so fully that we are just in it when we can be. This is my dream. My next stepping stone. I've already experienced growth where I keep leaning into the freedom that is mine and is his too. I've already evolved a specific layer of greed in me. I was like "What the hell is this? I feel greedy" I can't even tell you how fun that was...to work with feeling greedy. I'm like this man is going to teach me and grow me and I'm going to have an amazing time along the way too....There is nothing and no one I have to give up. I don't have to change anything. I can play with whomever I want and be in my life fully and even kiss whomever I feel like kissing and still be in this juicy amazing thing
I'm like HELL YES!!!
This is...my next stepping stone...
I love my neighbor so much. He said "Welcome to your new normal" this thrills me...
I've lived on earth. I'm ready to be in the Sky now
I mean...how fun!!!!!!!!