For the anxiety and the nausea I did a little more meditation and made myself some ginger tea and that was super helpful. There were also a few things I needed to reframe inside of my own head.
It took me approximately 6 days before I recognized, I also need support in some of the things that are happening right now. It was this whole Epiphany that I am super grateful that it only took me 6 days to recognize it.
Changing the Narrative: The Dignity Model
He said, "If you're gonna play the game, boy
You gotta learn to play it right
You've got to know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run
You never count your money
When you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin'
When the dealin's done
Every gambler knows
That the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' what to throw away
And knowin' what to keep
I am humbled right back into having to expand my gratitude container once again.
It's a thread that begins with my mother and expands wide and far. I am a very lucky woman. It is really only when I allowed myself room to also need support and get that from outside my original tribe that I was able to be here now, on this island fully and that needed to happen.
Last night began the shift from anxiety and all that other stuff to today... I woke up a lot more peaceful because I have taken care of myself by accepting the fact that I need support and I've been reaching out to people who embody deeper levels of wisdom. Who have the multi layers of the complexity in any situation that might be happening.
A part of the Love Affair with Thy Self is knowing when you need support and knowing who to go to for that support. I am learning the power of discernment on an entirely new level at this time.
Anyway, the latest and the greatest goals these past 24-48 hours has been moving through, allowing supportive people to hold space for me and sleep. Lot's and lots of sleep....
All of a sudden.....I hear the words
"What happened to your face?" in a Russian accent. I look up and I see this man who had that whole Gerald Butler thing going on for him looking right at me.
Some conversation before he tells me he has to go...I say okay, he gets up
and the next thing I know his fierce masculine energy is looming over me with his hand extended for a hand shake.
I think "thank goodness he had to go cause that man is trouble anyway"
I begin to read again... and about 5 minutes later...he comes running back to sit down next to me.... and all of a sudden...
That was super hot..his doing that and honestly, I could use a little trouble and he was what my grandmother would call " A tall drink of water" or a "hunk a hunk of love" and his desire was crystal clear.
I knew he would be able to "Ring my Bell"
The night is young
And full of possibilities
Well, come on and let yourself be free, yeah
My love for you (love for you, love for you)
So long I've been savin'
Tonight was made for me and you
I did some work, some writing and then I slept for the rest of the day
His words matched his behavior, his energy, his actions. Everything was completely lined up.....in every way possible...he "liked me." I could feel it in his energy, in his voice, when he touched me..all of it.
I enjoyed him so so so very much. For a moment in time, we made each other feel very very good....again...and again and again.... And the "again," part was so much fun!>>>>>>>and then....a few hours later, after a lot of ( as I suspected) "Trouble" we talked like the adults that we are (my age bracket and older is the BEST in this way) and as is typical of transient humans who visit this island...he is heading home tomorrow...
His response was absolutely beautiful. He bowed his head, closed his eyes and said thank you to me gently...three times.
I received this as a gift that was just lovely actually and in that moment, it felt complete, clean and warm. It is so sad to me that some men don't understand how easy it is with me. No matter what, i expect things to end warmly because I feel we are all adults and all old enough to bring the fullness of our humanity into all connections. Even the momentary one's. I mean, if someone makes us feel good and we make them feel good too, why wouldn't we want to expand upon, appreciate and bring reverence to that and each other? Regardless if it is one hour, one night, one week, one year or more...what difference does length of time make? Much of the time, time just makes it harder for people to be gracious and keep that "all of this is a gift" consciousness...anyway....
This one I'm going to affectionately and fondly dub "The Russian" because he was from Russia, had the accent and the deep masculinity and respect for me that Russian men are actually known for. Yet here's the most interesting part in terms of that generalization....Russian men are known for being respectful to women because...Russian women allow themselves to be treated with respect. They actually expect it. Isn't that interesting?
He was also completely endearing in terms of how he would ask me questions like: "Do you think I have a nice body?"
And when my response was anything from "give me a break, or "Come on," you absolutely KNOW that you do!"
He would laugh, shake his head, grab onto me in a very juicy way and say...."You're right" and we would just laugh because this man....didn't "really need," my validation. Not really. He knows what he's got going on, he owns it full out and because of that...he enjoys being in his own skin...and I like that a lot. Because ultimately, if you love yourself, and you love being in our own skin...and you know this..it is easy to be playful in this way.
As soon as he left...one of my sweet gals came over and we had some cheap champagne!
So today was really mostly about chocolate, play, connection, a ton of laughter and a little bubbly
So now I'm back on the island in my body, mind and spirit and can do what I need to do to do the work I need to do -to do-what I want to do.
Now say that with me 5 times.
work I need to do to do what I want to do. It's got a fun flow to it..in my opinion..
The above "today," is now "yesterday"
She brought me breakfast. That was so nice! We laid on my bed, ate, shared some of the stories of our lives and laughed so much and off she went into her day and here I stayed to begin mine.
"The strength of love makes one tender and firm, makes one weak in wrong and powerful in right, brings forgiveness in authority and grace in all fields of life...Fortunate are those whose hearts flow in love...."
and that brings me to right now. I feel.....happy and I feel this way when none of the stuff that was causing me anxiety has changed or improved. There has been no change in development there...it's just....everything i do and have right in front of me here on the island, I am able to do so much more effortlessly when I feel happy....
(Because I'm happy)
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
(Because I'm happy)
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
(Because I'm happy)
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
(Because I'm happy)
Clap along if you feel like that's what you wanna do