The affinity I have is very high and I experienced culture shock! Nothing they did. Nothing is wrong.
They are awesome. Amazing in fact.
It's me. It's me. It's me.
It wasn't until the last day there, that my nervous system, vigilance system was actually fully relaxed. Then I was like oh....this is what they were saying yes. This feels very good. Now I get it. Then I got on an airplane and it was hard for me to readjust. That's when I came home and not even 48 hours later-I left my marriage. This was 6 months after Donovan died. The purpose and offer of this trip was specifically for my healing. A friend had invited me into her fathers home and it was me and my little boy and her with her little girl. Mommies and their little ones type of trip. When she made the offer, It was also directly after my son's pre-school teacher grabbed my hand to pull me into the play room and said "look" She wanted me to see my son. His world was magic and he was this happy joyful little human. The little boy I saw was the opposite. That broke my heart. If you've read my story -you already know this. However if you haven't -this blog will make more sense if you do.
Anyway, when my friend extended the invitation-I had just experienced two heart breaks. One 6 months before and again when I saw my sweet little boy sitting in the corner sad. I was so sad, I didn't even notice his sadness and that crushed me. So her invitation was literally perfect timing. To give him my attention rather than to be on auto pilot.
My husband had come home while this offer was being made. He told my friend and I, he felt that would be very good for me and our son because I had been so sad. His understanding of what I needed as a woman, as our sons mother made me feel like I was married to the best man in the world. I was so happy and I couldn't wait to love up on him. I felt very warm and fuzzy on my insideI felt soft. Mushy and so grateful.
But before I had any time or space to love up on him after my friend left
"You're not going and you're not taking MY SON anywhere"
I felt completely blindsided. All of the love and tenderness I was feeling for him just a second before that moment, turned into a muddy darkness and I was already in so much pain as it was.
It was a very bad scene and it's all so unfortunate because he was in as much pain as I was from the loss of our son and the fear of something happening to our other son.
Blindsiding me in these ways, has never really been a good idea. I was 25 at the time, deeply wounded and boy did I lay into that man. How dare you. How dare you act like you're this supportive husband in front of my friend and then behind closed doors -flip the switch and tell me I can't go. I am absolutely going. Period. End of story.
And this piece, this part. This culture differences, all systems relaxed to a different culture, the mini version with the added grief...I see this so clearly now. A little fragment of something missing is returned. I love when that happens.
I felt that very quickly here.
After this experience I thought "Crap, how am I going to handle going home to see the people that I love?" WHAT AM I GOING TO DO????? Because I'm very excited about seeing the people that I love and I don't want to be all weird and twisty.
Some of my East Coast (Originally) friends...had so many amazing stories to share with me. Many were very funny because my friends are funny!!!!