That is pretty funny. As I was searching through images to add to this blog post, I ran across this one. And it's ironic because it touches on something I was going to write about. At least in my thinking...
While I am swimming in my friends love stories...I have another tribe of women in my life...my single gal circle...
Single Friend Text
"He's the married guy who said the only reason he doesn't leave is because of the money"
Ah, so we have another human who lives inside of the Loveless Motel where there is the warmth of the hot biscuits balancing out the comfort of the air-conditioning and of course...there is ham. Not just any ham but country ham!!! And he wants my single friend- who is free to connect with all of the single humans on the planet...to know...
that he is somehow, not "really," married emotionally or otherwise...He's just being served hot biscuits and country ham...but that's not "really," married.
I don't have a whole lot of imposed morality around the topic of marriage or sex and that includes affairs. Betrayal is a life lesson that I believe no one gets out of here without experiencing it on some level. Parents feel betrayed by their children in divorce if the child loves them both equally. Business partners experience betrayal, Rock bands feel betrayed when the lead singer goes off on their own. Friends betray each other through gossip. Siblings snitch on each other....I could go on...We all have within us the theme of and our own connection and experiences of what it means to be betrayed or a part of the betrayal.
Beyond that....my mind is expansive...
As I think about the history of marriage....
In ancient times when marriage first began..
It was often seen as a strategic alliance between families for the purpose of many other things. Money, power and sex-happened to be in the lead there...
In addition to that...
Polygamy isn't anything new. Very common through history-particularly if the first wife could not give birth to a son to carry on the heritage. It just so happens we are now living in a time where people are open about it. The only thing new about it is...people are sharing instead of hiding. ((Some people anyway)) Mature, responsible adults giving each other the freedom and mutual consent to live that lifestyle.
Taking it beyond that..early Christianity held the position that if you can procreate you must not refuse to procreate-and some folks are still in alignment with that original mindset. Sex is for procreation. There are people on the planet who believe that. There are women on the planet who feel that truth deep in their bones.
In the decision of what it means to be married-the sexual union between a husband and a wife can often be minimized, ignored, used as a weapon or neglected in many ways for many reasons. And we call that "normal" "to be expected."
Is sexual union and fidelity in marriage important or isn't it? It depends on who you ask.
After all... for better or worse means different things to different people from different cultures and it often includes things like-life's hardships, illness, aging and dying.
All things that often take sex off the table.
Ask any widow about what it was like to put their marriage off until the children left the House.. only to have their spouse become ill when the children left the house and instead of enjoying their new found freedom...they are experiencing one of life's biggest lessons: The lesson of Love and Loss. The regret and grief runs deep in these cases, let alone the sexual health of that person.
Or even a person who had an incredibly deep sexual intimacy with their spouse who is now sick. The longing can be excruciating. Being that deeply satisfied, loved and having access to that level of connection and then having an illness take that way...
To me, life's hardships, illness, aging and dying seem a little more central to marriage and what it really means to be married than an affair that could actually be the catalyst to a deeper connection between two people who forgot for a minute that they do actually love each other. It's just that life got in the way...
Is love winning? Sometimes, yes. Sometimes not so much...we get to decide that though...
Or what about the "illegitimate child," concept- bazaar. What could be more legitimate than a teeny tiny human being born? You can feel the vibration of this consciousness running through stepfamilies all the time.
Biological mothers say "That's not fair that you are having another child, you are taking away from our children" (meaning resources: time and money)
And the new baby born into the stepfamily is very much treated as if they are an illegitimate child.
How brutally unfair to a new human coming into the world.
I can hear the supreme's singing in my head right now....
I started my life in an old, cold, rundown tenement slum
My father left, he never even married Mom
I shared the guilt my mama knew
So afraid that others knew I had no name
"This love we're contemplating, is worth the pain of waiting
We'll only end up hating the child we may be creating
Love child, never meant to be
Love child, by society
Love child, always second best
Love child, diff'rent from the rest"
What a terrible thing to insert into a little human being. I remember being a young person who spent many hours in our basement listening to my mother's records over and over again until I could sing and dance to every song (((Yes, I am that old))) Even as a young girl..when I listened to Diana Ross singing the lyrics of Love Child-I felt so much empathy. The story moved me deeply. I didn't really have any context on what she was talking about other than, I felt sad for...the Love child and a bit confused too. Now, I hear it as a story of a woman who was an illegitimate child who is refusing to follow in her mother's footsteps.
The human experience is just to vast of an ocean.
Just to give some context on why I don't judge or have an imposed morality ((which goes beyond my own life situations, incidents, marriages or my own sexual behaviors))
"He's the married guy who said the only reason he doesn't leave is because of the money"
The last thing an amazingly fabulous -on point -single woman needs is to get tangled up into that mess. He'd bring nothing but trouble into her world.
I have no clue who this man is, what his marriage is or isn't. I have zero context. For all I know he could have tried a thousand ways to talk to his wife with no result. He could have touched on the topic of divorce with his wife and her response could have very easily been "If we get a divorce I am taking you for every penny" or some weird thing like that.
And it could also be as simple as....he has a very loving wife who adores him to pieces and he's just a little bored and trying to get laid.
In this day and age... You just never know what anyone's truth actually is.
Right or wrong...it's rare that anyone stops and thinks about the impact on a single woman's heart. But I'm one of those women who does think of that. When I am married and when I am single. No matter what my status may be....
I once dated one of those guys who would walk around doing that super soaker seductive eye contact thing. He did that with every woman. No one was "special" and there was no real soul behind it. No intention, he wasn't really all that interested in any of these women. He just liked...to be liked beyond just liked.
When those random moments happened in the store, or at an event-the women who had been soaked were either super shocked, uncomfortable or downright angry- just because I existed.
I usually felt for these women, sometimes more so than him because in my mind it was irresponsible and unconscious on his part. He was setting these women up.
That's the guy who does that and then turns around and complains that women take him the wrong way all the time. "You can't be friendly to a woman these days without her thinking you want to be with her"
Leave it to me to be the first person to mention the possibility... that he take a look at himself and his own super soaker seductive- let me look deep into your soul and make you think I am completely into you- just so I can turn around and say "What is wrong with all of these women falling all over me...nonsensical way of being.
Own it fully, learn how to deal with the consequences of your own behavior or....
figure out what that's about and learn a new way to connect with women.
Or something...anything....But whatever you do...please stop blaming women for responding to the super soaker seduction.
So while I don't have any real imposed morality as it relates to marriage I do think we are all responsible for what we "send out" there.
In this way, it does feel like some married men take a class of some sort where they are all taught the same line. "hey man, I'm only still there because of the money"
Which exists in equal parts as the lonely housewife who went after the pool boy or the FedEx guy or the whatever....
In addition to my own personal experiences in and out of marriages....I've sat with women in the aftermath of betrayal when a husband has strayed in equal parts as I have listened to women who were in the betrayal with the married man.
All I know is....growth is possible for either woman. And it is also possible for the man too. The betrayal thing hits everyone at some point in their lives. It's a part of the human experience and humans are rarely as neatly packaged or as perfect as they appear or present themselves to be. Particularly when there is a lot on the line. You know, if a person wants to grow...
I had a conversation with one of my single friends here just yesterday morning.
She was sharing a connection with a fella and how he was coming on to her. She asked another friend "Is he married?" And he was. She has no interest in that because she is looking for an emotional connection and she believes married men are not available for an emotional connection. What fascinated me about her share was that she truly had no judgment about married people (men or women) who seek connections with others. She shared that for many women who care about family more than they care about sex, that type of woman knows her husband is out there playing...but doesn't care because she also knows he is never ever leaving her or the family. In this way, she felt it is up to every woman to decide for herself and for her, it's as simple as she has no interest in that. She just doesn't.
I really admired her clarity and her acceptance without all of the imposed morality. She was speaking into some of the goddess archetypes that I reference a lot in my work with women.
A Hestia woman fits the old-fashioned idea of “a good wife.” She looks after the home well. She is not ambitious for herself or for her husband—so she neither competes with him nor nags him. She is not a flirt and isn’t promiscuous. Although his fidelity isn’t of crucial importance to her as it is for Hera, she is like Hera in being faithful herself.
The Hera archetype provides the capacity to bond, to be loyal and faithful, to endure and go through difficulties with a partner. When Hera is a motivating force, a woman’s commitment is not conditional. Once married, she means to stay so, “for better or worse.” Yet, the Hera goddess does expect fidelity.
And then there is: The Alchemical Goddess Aphrodite
If Aphrodite is one of several strong archetypes including Hera, then her presence enhances and vitalizes marriage with sexuality and passion. An enduring monogamous marriage, however, is often difficult for an Aphrodite woman to attain. Unless other goddesses are influential in containing Aphrodite within the marriage, or the marriage is a particularly fortuitous combination, she will probably follow a pattern of serial relationships. For example, actress Elizabeth Taylor, whose public image is that of a contemporary Aphrodite, has had a string of marriages.
Yet, an Aphrodite woman is actually a positive influence on children (even though many people shame her)
Aphrodite women like children, and vice versa. A child senses that this woman looks at him or her with a nonjudgmental and appreciative eye. She draws out a child’s feelings or abilities in such a way that the child feels beautiful and accepted. Often she instills a sense of specialness that may give the child confidence and help develop abilities and talents. She can get into the spirit of play and make-believe very easily. She seems to charm children into behaving well, and to inspire them with her infectious enthusiasm for whatever interests her. These are wonderful qualities in a mother.
A great book I believe every woman would benefit in reading is the brilliant work:
The Goddess in Every Day Women... by: Jean Shinoda Bolen, M.D.
It is one of my "Women Bible's" so to speak....
I'm clearly single and clearly free. More so today than yesterday..
My two top runners (top runners being huge possibility for deep connection) I have learned...are neither single nor free.
#1- I had to ask and although he was honest, I had to ask. We have been in connection for several months and I tell him everything. He never judges anything I do or say...he's just amazing.
A connection has been evolving in his world (5000 miles away) and he didn't mention it until I asked.
He's not married or in monogamy and he's also not "really" single or free either.
If you ask a person if they are single, and their answer is "I don't know how to answer that." They are most certainly NOT single or free. There is just no getting around that. I felt like I was suddenly in a movie called "It's Complicated" but it wasn't my movie, it was his. I adore him and will remain connected...he just isn't the front runner anymore and that feels really strange...
#2 was SWIFT....something prompted me to do some research and he is married.
While no damage has been done in this one...I did not know he was married.
All I had was this sensation....this overwhelming sense that we would have the best time, be able to go deep and the connection would add to the quality of our lives.
If it was a day, a weekend, a week or more wasn't really the point for me.
His energy was incredible, his intelligence was top notch, his humor was fantastic, his stories were riveting and so much more.
On top of all of those amazing things he has an elegance about him combined with being down to earth.
And that to me..... is divine....
His range was amazing.
It felt as if he could dig in the dirt gardening and be perfectly at ease all the way to attending a black tie event with just as much ease. ((That's what I mean by range)) that's very close to my range....but he was advanced enough and more worldly than me where I felt he would teach me a lot just by being who he is. For me to want a man to teach me...that says a lot.
As soon as I saw he was married-I sent texts of thank you, have a great life.
In retrospect I probably handled that very poorly and left him thinking I am perhaps crazy-because I had his last name and "oh..you're married." This was information he did not give me himself. I can see where that could feel somewhat stalkerish? haha
Whatever his story is, is not really my concern or my business.
All I know is....
Men aren't really able to reach in and grab me so deeply where they pull out that extra something-something from me body/mind and spirit. He did. But I thought he was single... Now that I know he isn't...what I have is more access to....myself.
And all I have to say about the man who wanted sex with my fabulous single girlfriend...I get it, she's incredible..but chances are real good your wife is incredible too...and it would probably be so valuable to go back home and see if your grass can become green again as my friend continues on her journey with men who are truly free and single...
Or, not....it's really not my business after all....
With Love from Ms Single and FREE...