Follow your emotions to find your heart Get back in touch with your emotions. They are gifts that let us know how aligned we are to our soul purpose. They enrich our lives. They let us know when we have blocks, when we need to heal and when we need to choose differently next time. When the soul expresses happiness, it will make your head feel like it is overflowing, full and expansive. Sometimes, the joy will bring tears to your eyes. THIS is the soul saying, “Keep it up! You’re doing it right!”
And I agree with her, 100000 percent.
"Sometimes, the joy will bring tears to your eyes...."
I'm really looking to be love at this point. Where can I put my love? Where does it belong? Where will my love serve best, you just never know who is going to be all sour about it. It's wild how people are way more uncomfortable with Lovingness than they are.....other things. I'm also deeply committed to trusting myself, my soul, my brain and yes, even my own genitals. I'm thinking all of that belongs to me and I've been on the planet long enough to know a few things.
In sharing with a friend about what was going on in a recent connection, she said "You're behavior is unbecoming," I literally laughed out loud and thought "Yes, my lovely, that is the point at this time...the point isn't to become something to look good in someone's eyes...the point is to be unbecoming.... in the sense of.... not putting on an act or a mask and pretend I am someone I am not.
As she was telling me how unbecoming my behavior was, the gentleman in question, from his perspective was experiencing me as "a lovely lady."
Isn't that interesting?
Another thing I heard was "You are feeding his ego!"
I'm like what...... are..... you..... saying? I am feeding my own ego..I LOVE being this loving!!!!
My very protective tribe...never wanting me to feel or experience anything but the best things ever but you know, the best things ever for me are a little different. I want to be fully alive, fully in my life and to see myself very clearly. I like it very much.
I was listening to a lecture and the following resonated with me:
"And you know...how you know that someone hasn't opted in to being on the planet? They still allow themselves reactivity. They still allow themselves flight, fight, freeze or hide. As long as you are doing that, that means you're not opted in because opted in means I'M HERE! I'm sticking around for this shit!" "People tend to think they don't matter, or that their impact isn't that great. That's the place where we hurt each other. This is what I find, the people who are the most Snuffleupagus, oh I don't matter, it's just little ole me with my sorrow and my grief....BOOM! ..."
Flight-I am not leaving my true nature
Fight-I am not fighting with my true nature
Freeze-I've got a little of this going on in situations where I feel shy, rare and few and far between but this does happen to me.
Hide-sorry I AM HERE
The thing is.....
I haven't been denying my desires, I've been leaning into them. I haven't been trying to "get the guy," I've been trying to "get myself." To see myself very clearly.
Yet I could see her world view because this man had me trippin, stumblin, flippin and fumblin.....for me, I loved feeling someone in that way. I was all Fergie "ish"
Clumsy 'cause I'm fallin' in love (in love)
You got me slippin', tumblin', sinkin', fumblin'
Clumsy 'cause I'm fallin' in love (in love)
So in love with you
She can't help it
The girl can't help it
One life, my life, my choices and all of my mistakes belong to me. I have to say, in this mid-life state of life, more and more I am utterly grateful for my parents. I didn't have the Dad who kept me restricted in the sense of being "Daddy's little girl" I was expected to own my own behaviors, to be accountable for my actions. I really am getting how much that has been a factor in how I view my self. Combine that with my mothers soft feminine heart...I don't know, the older I become, the more I clean my grid, the more grateful I am to having them as parents. Particularly when I hear others and how they experience the connection they have or don't have with their parents, I really get how blessed I am. It's really wild.
How true to being me can I truly be?
― Marianne Williamson, A Woman's Worth
“If I can see pain in your eyes then share with me your tears. If I can see joy in your eyes then share with me your smile.”
― Santosh Kalwar
******It was beautiful and wonderful for me to laugh at myself, to know how deeply I am incapable of being disingenuous and how amazing and liberating it feels to be emotionally honest. How much I love that about myself.
******It was beautiful and wonderful for me to feel so excited and how thoroughly and genuinely I wanted to get to know this person.
In a nutshell:
******It was beautiful and wonderful for me to feel and experience my own innocence in a world that keeps trying to kill us all with trying to change our true natures, whatever our true natures may be. Sometimes you are just who you are and you're a little weird. What's the problem? There isn't one.
The most simplistic thing about that connection was this:
I got to see myself. It's very good to be connected to others who help us see ourselves so clearly.
In my twisted sense of logic, I can't help but think and feel people are going to find out who you really are eventually...so why hide anything?
LOVE AFFAIR WITH THY SELF
Self-awareness is not self-centeredness, and spirituality is not narcissism. 'Know thyself' is not a narcissistic pursuit. Marianne Williamson
Ultimately, if a woman's physiology is the most important thing-that does include my own. Of course I'm going to own my own behaviors, be accountable and all that stuff. Not because I'm a weak woman but because my own personal integrity means a lot to me.
Why do I have to lower my own personal integrity bar just because there is a romantic possibility? That makes no sense to me.
The message to women is "Whatever you do, don't apologize because if you do he will think you're weak" Whatever you do...DO NOT FEED HIS EGO.....
What? What kind of teaching is that?
He's a person, isn't he?
Seems wildly upside down to me. If I know my behavior was off, even just a little..... why would I be considered "weak" for having the capacity to own my own behavior?
Similar to the female concern of me being "unbecoming" when his experience was my loveliness...
When it felt like right action to apologize, rather than listening to what I should do to be manipulative, I just did what felt right to me. I apologized when that felt right....
As I experience my own existence and my own experiences, the less I understand how the world works, how the dating world works, how or why things are set up as they are. It all seems upside down, inside out and wacky.
I don't know how else to remind my girlfriends that all of my experiences are of value. I am not wasting my time, I'm right on time. I also finished a couple of books and did many things while all of this was going on. I don't know about this "no distractions" concept. As some things like...the people that we feel deep in our soul, who pull at us in these amazing ways...may just be the distractions that we are supposed to be distracted by. I don't know...I'm just thinking out loud here.....
Mating with my own soul.....carving my own consciousness by experiencing life.....
Moon Lodge Time
Underneath it all....
Before my period: I can't take all that much excitement. Good or bad. This means I am responsible for where I put my energy and when. It's a new learning curve. To love me means, allowing me the space to back up when I say that's what I need and not making me feel like I have to spell this out in 10394995 forms just to be heard. I will spell it out a few times because that is my nature but at some point...if I haven't been heard..that not being heard will pop back up...
I think that is a part of my mid-life transformation. After all, there is always something new to learn based on where we are right now in life vs what was true two years ago or more.
During my period: At mid life and with me honoring my own physiology at a level that serves me, I'm noticing: What I feel is a depth. It's very strangely wonderful but it's only strangely wonderful when I surrender to it. I don't know how to explain it other than to say I feel very feminine, I guess in the same way the women who get pregnant and feel they are in their most feminine essence at that time...I feel this in my mid-life state. I feel (here comes Christina weird) I'm pregnant with depth, wisdom, peace and I feel plugged into, tapped into the pulse of life somehow. It's very deeply enriching actually. In this state, I'm also unmovable because I'm grounded in something that is beyond me, somehow.
The world can and does survive very well without me for a half a week or one week a month.
People are pretty self absorbed. Which isn't that big of a deal for me because I'm very very self absorbed. Im full of myself most of the time.
However, I am forever giving people the common curtesy of sharing bullet points for their awareness of what is going on- for no other reason than to express I am a little off at this time sometimes (mostly half to one week a month)-this is why-this is what is currently difficult for my tender heart even though... I know I have zero control over what is happening-it is difficult and I sometimes struggle non the less- and I want you to know this so you can leave room for my humanity in the same way I will leave room for your humanity. I don't need you to feel sorry for me. That is not why I'm sharing this.
Sometimes...it lands, other times it doesn't and either way... I do it because that is me being true to my own personal integrity in connections.
Some people forget and expect me to have more reverence for them than I do myself. And I can't afford to do that anymore. The last time I saw myself and I saw my own "Ugly cry" I nearly fainted when I looked in the mirror. I was like "Holy shit woman, you look like.... maybe you're 90 years old and perhaps will die next week!"
Get your shit together now because you know...you just never know when you will run out of time here. And you will probably run out of time so much sooner if you keep that shit up. Mmmm. Noooooooooooo thank you. Dear lord have mercy on the ugly cry.
I'm all for crying when the crying is necessary but sometimes it's really unnecessary suffering and if it's unnecessary. I'm not doing it. My no there is pretty full bodied..... No thank you, let's not.....thank you so much....
Winning to me in connection is as simple as, when I think of someone, I feel their goodness in my heart and I smile... In this way, I win a lot....
“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh