Zero expectations seem to be the place and spaces these types of happenings enter into my world
Here's how that happened:
"It's complicated" humans are just another form of: Unavailability. Yet, they don't tell you this up front. So what comes with "it's complicated" people...is dishonesty, withholding, and all of that other stuff. They leak it into my simple existence in some way, shape or form. It's unfortunate for them and better to be me. I know what it means to be in that "It's complicated" space. I get it and...it's really not something I'm interested in being in. So, I decided it is time to dip my toe back into the on-line dating scene to see if there are any humans who are actually "available"
Bumble "Social Pollination" what a clever tag line.
Okay, let's see what happens when I dip my toe in....here we go
I put my profile up on bumble (after reading it's the new best thing and for women) and here's how that went:
I swiped so many times to the left -There was no one. Check back later.
Men with sunglasses on. Not able to see their eyes. Swipe left.
Men with no text just images of them gulping down a beer-swipe left.
Men who like to toot their own horn-and not in a good way- swipe left.
Men who write what they do NOT want-swipe left.
Many of these men were absolutely beautiful in their bodies and in their face. Still, I am swiping left because living on an island, it's like the Gods have vomited beauty here. The gorgeous, the stunning-they are everywhere. Men and women a like. While that is great and offers me the opportunity to admire beautiful looking people..it has it's limits.
Until: no choices. "check back later"
Okay. I check back later. I check back later.
It's the same thing,
then all of a sudden....
The very last man before "check back later" and I am interested in learning more. First I see... an image of him smiling. His smile felt good to me. It looked genuine, it looked like joy to me. Then another one. A full body shot, fully dressed. I liked that very much. The fully dressed part. In fact, it was that image that I liked the most. He looked huggable and down to earth. There was something about that image for me...
The next image, was one with an eyebrow up a little. It made me laugh because he looked like he was saying "come on, or so what or this is me, or REALLY?" or something like that anyway. Like maybe he had a good sense of humor in a sometimes dry way.
And finally, an image where you could really see his face very clearly. I liked his face a lot. The way his eyes smiled...
The words he wrote, he was clear, he is looking for someone special. His images actually aligned with his words. This made him a bit of a unicorn. I like unicorns...
Now all of what I just said is what I experienced in my seeing. I am literally making all of those things up. I have absolutely no idea if any of what I am saying: is true. I only know, I want to find out if it is.
So I swiped Right.
Now this is where it got weird.
On Bumble a woman has to make the first move. In theory that sounds great but inside of my nature and my psyche-It felt very unnatural and the other thing is, you have approximately 24hours. If, you do not make a move-that person is "gone forever" unless you buy a package. Well that's brilliant marketing/sales and I'm experiencing discomfort in having to be the one who reaches out first so I'm not going to buy a package for more time because it will be as uncomfortable for me in 72 hours as it is in this moment because it's just against my nature.
So I make the first move by sharing what feels unnatural.
His response was perfect. He understood. It was uncomfortable for him to yet he knew he could always lead after that point...
That felt good to me.
I really prefer not doing that. As in, I prefer not doing that in my feminine old fashioned bones.
Momi and I laugh because she is truly 100% old fashioned, therefore, if you pitch the woman I am against the woman she is-I'm not old fashioned by any stretch of the imagination, yet.... I actually am.
Me "I'm very old fashioned in a lot of ways and I think it confuses people"
Momi "even yourself"
Well that was funny! I love that woman...her sense of timing and humor :)
Anyway.....I don't like it, so this Bumble thing may be just like the other attempts of on-line dating. I may end up deleting that app because much of the dating rituals feel so illogical to me anyway.
I was thinking...I'm a very good human. I do human well. In fact, I do human very well. (Let's not confuse doing something well with perfection)
But this dating thing...well, I can actually do that well too-with the right attitude and when I am in fun mode and I lean in and create dating as an experience of just meeting a string of cool people.
I have had great success as it relates to having the best times and meeting people I end up friends with and also, I got a few coaching clients out of it.
It isn't that I've had any really bad experiences, because I have not. AND I think that's because when I make a choice to do something, I am aware, it is me who is making that choice and if I'm going to give my attention to anything, it isn't going to be a place where I'm going to not enjoy it. That's just stupid.
We all need to recognize, in the world of dating, people come with a lot of weird and twisty's.
If you know that going in, it's easier to navigate and have fun through the process. Except when you meet a guy like Mr McDreamy/McSteamy Hybrid......
I feel him in that realm of "possibility" as in a real possibility. That is rare for me and it's different than just thinking someone is cute or sexy.
It feels more like a deepening of the soul rather than just being smitten. It's unexplainable although I think we've all felt that feeling. And that's where and when the real work comes in because the sensation of deepening of one's soul already has meaning because it's our own soul... if we are reverent people, which I am and that becomes true....even though there isn't any experiences, conditions, agreements or even a solidified sense that it's mutual. None of that has to exist when you feel the sensation of possibility in the form of a soul deepening. It wakes you up just a little bit more on where you REALLY are and if you are REALLY ready...it's that sort of thing.
There is always...an opportunity with these connections regardless of how they move or if there is the reward of a life partner or not.
Here's what I know: My life is easy with men. Very easy.
I walk around happy and joyful and do my thing. I have a blast and live my life. I meet men all the time, there are no shortages of men on this island after all.
I am single.
As in seriously single.
I don't mean that in the way of being open to men. I mean that in the way of how...there is no one literally. I don't have any love residue.
In this way, with me...there is that purity. If we put purity in the container of someone coming into your life with the capacity to see you, feel you and be with you- as you are- full out- with no stops...I have that kind of purity to offer someone. Therefore, if I say I'm all in...
I'm truly "all in." and if I'm not able to be that, I won't give my word. It's very cut and dry for me in this way.
The thing about the soul deepening connections-those are the one's that have the power to hurt you very deeply, no matter how cool you think you are, or how intelligent you may be...deep vibrant pulsating connections will spotlight all that is not the light. In you and in the other person. To have the power to crush another person's heart or have your heart broken is not small beans.
It's that whole thing.
It's wild to me that this man has shown me, I'm actually more ready, more free and more trusting of myself than I would have imagined myself to be.
1. I don't have shame around human sexuality
I need things to feel good before, during and after and if I sense it won't feel good after, I will stop it and I will do that without being the least bit disappointed. That's because...
I have all of this training now. This man who has more of my attention than I would like him to have....has helped me see my own growth.
McDreamy/McSteamy and I moved from the PG space into the Rated R space and did not enter the X rated space, although we both seem to agree if we ever did it would be an intense experience.
I did not need sex, I just needed to know...if he was a wet man or a dry man and that can be discovered without moving into the X rated room. Although I've already written about the wet vs dry man in a previous blog, my next blog will go into that concept more deeply.
I often feel like I'm advanced in the way of...it really is no big deal to stop and I can do that without an ounce of disappointment while still enjoying the play very deeply-all at the same time. I call that "advanced" without any concern about tooting my own horn because I have been highly trained and I'm an excellent student.
This is something I believe the 5 day "fearless relating" workshop I had at my house in PA highlighted for me, helping me be more fearless and a better more trustworthy person too.
Also, thank god for the ALOHA and the energy the Hawaiians have infused inside of me.
Especially the Hawaiian men. Their reverence has been deeply rewarding in many ways.
Many of them are deeply reverent about connection and what they want more than anything is to feel the energy exchange. The sensuality vs the sexuality. There is a difference. Good vibes...sharing that, enhancing that, allowing that to move..
Much of the time, it is really -in not having actual sex and instead feeling into the sensuality and goodness of the energy exchange without any fear....that sort of connection has the power to leave you feeling like you're being infused with that higher quality of pleasure and you are left in a state of bliss that didn't require anything sexual although it was deeply sensual. Rather than leaving you feeling sexually frustrated.
This has been a part of my training in the last two years. All connections and relatedness needs to do no harm to my life or to anyone else's. I don't have that impulse where I have no control of my own sexuality. I'm either allowing because that is what I want or I am not. It's that straight forward for me.
So I don't have a whole lot of opportunities to see where I really am because I haven't been approaching relations as something that needs to be anything other than what it is and if I experience an aftermath of any kind...I just do the work until my grid is clean again. I'm willing to do that, so I do.
Now in connection with him, I feel that tingling down my left leg. That is something I want to feel and I know what that means....that left leg tingling only happens to me, when the pull is soul based for me. I have tingling and pulling and sensations all over my body...this specific one is soul based but it's also an indication that I respect the man who has my leg tingling.
There is also a very specific orgasm that only happens when I am falling in love with someone. I have all kinds of different orgasms. That one is specific and rare. Falling in love with someone doesn't mean I am in love...it means I'm on my way there. That's an important distinction. Also, because of my training. I know myself that deeply. Although a lot of the women I know..have more than one orgasm and they do know which one means they are falling... and that's actually, if you ask me...pretty important. That's the glue and it's the memories of that glue that we can keep reliving by remembering if and when our bodies can no longer be glued in that way, but the touching and the fondling and the affection and the love is all still very much available to us. People in love are happier and healthier. Men tend to get (I realize I am generalizing but I am a straight woman so this does apply to my world) more emotionally open and more sensitive as they age. It's like they allow their hearts to lead a little more or something and they have the desire for the emotional connection. You know, as the career goals have been accomplished and the children have been raised and as many of them have been waiting in the back for that time when it's just them and the woman that they love alone again. If there are grandchildren or not, affection is just as important to men as it is to us women. At least that's what I am learning.
Play vs Dating
Dates. I'm interested in actual dates.
I had to get clear about that because I work so much and am with my friends so much and I enjoy being around the oxytocin their love connections supply me with and I have been researching love for 2 years now. I've essentially been busy collecting data.
I can't even count the number of stories because I always want to know everyone's love story. How it started, how juicy is it, how they handle the breakdowns and how quickly they get back into the sweet spot. Do they even know how to get back into the sweet spot and do they know there are 500 ways to do that quickly- if that is what they want.
I can't help but think, if you love someone deeply, your natural desire would be to do what it takes to get back into the sweet spot as quickly as possible.
As I've collected all of this Data, it seems pretty simple. Sex on the first date or sex on the 12th date, doesn't make a difference in any way, shape or form. Love is just love and it seems to be something that people allow themselves to be in and move through-with one another.
We all want to be seen, known and felt deeply as we are, from where we are and we also want someone we can grow and evolve with. It seems to me it is that very acceptance and love that allows room for growth rather than trying to force someone to grow because you've put that on your "Must have list"
Yet much of the time when I go onto these dating websites it seems like...there is a lot of FORCE and MUST HAVE's and it makes me wonder, every time
"Why MUST," Someone else have that?
Is it because you've reached into your soul so deeply you know what will keep your fire burning deep inside with the other person and what they "Must have?"
Or is that more about, what was wrong or missing in the relationship you had that didn't work out and you think it didn't work out because of what the other person didn't have so now you need that...which makes me think of three Marianne Williamson Quotes:
“Children are happy because they don't have a file in their minds called "All the Things That Could Go Wrong.”
― Marianne Williamson
“Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us.”
― Marianne Williamson
“It takes courage...to endure the sharp pains of self discovery rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that would last the rest of our lives.”
― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"
What I want to know:
1. Can you be happy? What's your capacity for joy?
2. Do you understand, the meaning you give anything is what gives it meaning?
3. Do you have courage to endure the sharp pains of self discovery?
4. Are you a wet man?
***TAKEN FROM THE POEM THE INVITATION***
5. Can you sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
6. I want to know if you can be with joy mine or your own if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful to be realistic to remember the limitations of being human.
7. I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty
every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.
8. I want to know if you can live with failure yours and mine and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes.”
9. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like
the company you keep in the empty moments.
I want to know these types of things. That doesn't mean I expect someone to be an enlightened master. It's just what I want to know because these things become super important in the every day experience of living and breathing together and also as life moves and pulls you. I'm most certainly not always able to sit with someone's pain without having the desire to help them fix it. I mean, I do my best but...sometimes I do want someone in front of me who is in pain to feel better and sometimes that does mean I cross the line, even though I know I don't have the power to fix it. But it's more, much more important to me that someone I'm with has the capacity to feel joy and they aren't afraid of their own capacity to be ecstatic. Cause so many people don't give themselves permission to be in ecstatic states. It scares them and that doesn't scare me one bit. I think it scares them because we've been conditioned to associate ecstasy with something other than what it truly is. Or something.
All that stuff is baseline information to me personally. Of great importance A part of that is, if I know what someone struggles with, I know how to respect who they are where they are while leaving possibility open for them to grow and shift at the speed that they want to. If I'm going to be the one to hold you in your darkest moments, I'm going to need to know how to do that. If I'm going to be the person who enhances and enriches someone else's existence...I need this information. All of it.
Then...we shall see...
And all of this information above can be found in the stories of our lives through fun dates where we are laughing and having a ball with one another.
I don't know where this McDreamy/McSteamy connection will go. Or if it will go anywhere at all. I don't have enough information. I only have the awareness that I like and respect him a lot, he is a wet man, that the connection with him makes my left leg tingle, that I feel him as a deepening and if we ever do "go there" it would be intense, yet...effortless in flow and play. His masculinity and his intelligence, combined with his quick wit, confidence and light heartedness and how he's also practical, cautious and seems to have a very high sense of integrity. His work is important to him and when someone's work is important to them, when they are at work-they are very present to their work. Deeply present to where you are in that moment. I like that very much because that is also true for me too. As a writer, I worry about that very thing. I spend an exceedingly large amount of time alone, writing and/or working- when I do, I am in that pretty deeply. In the same way as when I'm connecting with someone. I'm in that pretty deeply too.
Also, I've been designing my life so my work is such that, it doesn't matter where I am or who I am with...it can be accomplished from anywhere and I wanted to create my business in that way because...when that connection comes along (whenever it does) I really don't want anything about me to be the block or what prevents love from being able to be felt or expressed. My not having anything (material wise) is also intentional. In this way, there is expansion with me.
As I lean into myself and the possibility of partnership, I'm really getting clear, I've redesigned my life in such a way, I am in love with my life and myself and I'm flexible about the other stuff. I like to focus on the things I do care about..it's just more lovely living life in that way.
Although, now that I'm deeply in love with this island and it now feels like home to me..but I don't have to think about that right now.
What this connection has already helped me with is: The experience of my next growing edge. Helping me get more clear within-in my now.
I'm ready for the process to unfold in reverent time.
When I lean into who I am, what I don't have (shame/residue) vs what I have to work on to be "ready'...
Here's what I'm "supposed," to believe according to...other people's dating tips:
1. I'm supposed to believe if I withhold things like pleasure from my own life, from myself, if I'm willing to do that-then men will think I'm worthy of a commitment. "No one will ever want to marry you."
Because, you know...men don't like women who care about their pleasure centers. They prefer the women with strong family values who have morals. I'm like YES, some men do prefer that...and those men are free to go with women who are their match. People should always go with what works for them.
And..it's a little too late for all of that nonsense with me anyway.
I just happen to love all things "This is Us" aka Family AND I love Pleasure and if proving myself worthy of having the capacity to be honorable or my ability to have integrity in my agreements with another human being means...I have to go without pleasure and pretend to be something that I am not.....I'm not doing that. No thanks. Personally, I think being honorable and having integrity is as simple as being your word and not being willing to lie or suffer just to get what you want. I could be wrong.
2. My worth and my level of consciousness goes down with my mid life wobbly bits.
I find it Ironic that I'm so full of life, joy, bliss, happiness and laughter and another woman comes along to tell me "what I need to do," to get the guy who is "worth it."
Her lack of substance usually scares me a lot.
Not that I'm not loving all of my physical activities and the farmers markets that offer me the opportunity to do the things- I actually love a lot. Once I got all of that hormonal flux stuff straight..I now have the energy to DO all that I love doing.
It's just that.....when I look into her eyes, she doesn't have the joy, peace, sparkle or bliss -I have so why on earth would I listen to her dating advice? Besides..it's always just a little sad when a younger women is beyond gorgeous and she just can't enjoy her own beauty because she's obsessed with the number on the scale.
More than that...she's a little mean actually... I think that's because.... what she needs.... is to be fed in many many ways but she's decided to starve herself instead in many many ways because she believes a woman needs to starve herself to be valued, cherished and deeply loved.
I'm thinking..with the level of joy and laughter I experience daily...it is me who should be giving her advice, but I don't....there are like 6 other levels of maturity that woman would need to go through before she would even begin to understand she can actually have it all, The pleasure, the body, the joy and also..the man... and probably a longer more sustainable connection with a man if she made her joy her highest priority but I don't know that....
As far as men go, they are free to lean into their desire and decide whatever they want. That has nothing to do with me.
I live on an island in a culture where most of the women are asian and very teeny tiny. I walk right next to those little cutie pies and I don't really have any problem with that. I also don't have beautiful asian long hair. (which I happen to love and be mesmerized by) That too, has nothing to do...with me. I'm too old to worry about that nonsense.
3. I'm supposed be an Alpha woman and I don't even know what the hell that even means.... but it sounds very similar to the first and second waves of feminism which-was so important AND has a lot of problems in it and collectively, it's a mess. We, as women...are still participating in that mess. Today, after hula with sisters who are for each other and loving and non competitive.....I got to see that mess...in action in the form of women picking wonder woman apart. I almost had a breakdown when I saw that and...it's usually feels yucky to me when women pick on other women but for some reason...picking on wonder woman...oh man. I'm like
WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!! haha
Even when they covered her beauty up to fit into society -her mission did not change. She was allowing all of that nonsense to go on around her but she was unstoppable and unchangeable and she was doing all of this not even knowing who she "really was."
Even when mortal men tried to invalidate her knowing. "You don't believe her...DO you?"
Even when men were enchanted by her Amazon beauty.
Even when the men were both terrified and turned on by her...she was...unchangeable in who she was and what she believed in. What she knew to be truth at the level it actually existed. The whole time and through all of that...she was right.
When I hear women picking on her-appearance-what I feel is-why are you looking at her just to pick on her? Why are you picking a woman who has precision in her integrity?
That kind of thing...I feel something around that.
But mostly, what saddens me the most is when women don't like the part where Wonder Woman got to experience love with a man. As in, they have an issue with that.
I'm like-ugh. We are going on the wrong direction here. He loved her too and he did not waiver from his mission either.
Mostly though....Why are two people loving each other such an issue?
If being a strong woman means, I'm not allowed or free to love a man, than by all means: Do not call me a strong woman. I am okay with that. But more than that...I can't help but think...what makes a woman strong...is her love...in any form, at any age and wherever she wants to put her love...she is allowed...
Well I see this is a rather long winded blog post :)
What it means to be wet/dry...is next