Last night, after 10 years of cycling our relationship-this man and I decided this would be our last cycle. And that I would be the one who moves out.
It's one of those things that has "been a long time coming." We've been through so much in the last 10 years. And no matter how many couple's retreats or workshops we spent our time and money on, we just were not able to sync up.
I said "I love you, I just can't live another day with someone who treats me like they hate me."
His response was "I love you, and I just can't live another day with someone who doesn't respect me."
And so, there it is. The ugly truth. And this is HUGE for me. HUGE.
This poor man has been trying to end this relationship with me... pretty much since it started. (Hence the cycling) But there is something about me that kept sucking him back in. I'm not sure what it was though. We broke up a dozen times. We'd live apart for months. Then he would reach out and we would once again see what it was that we liked about each other and it would start all over again. Living apart seemed to be the only thing that would allow us to come back together with the polarity necessary to be excited about each other. But eventually it would wear off again. Cycle after cycle and I'm pretty sure those cycles did irreversible damage along the way. I've never actually experienced this relationship as a secure relationship and I have always been okay with that because security isn't my thing, freedom is. Growth is. But somewhere along this path...I began to drink the kool-aid. And my doing so has made us both sick.
For me, this man has been one of my greatest teachers in my life. Therefore, I have a rough road of healing ahead of me. I'm sad to my soul. We've created this enormous life together. As we kept cycling, we also kept building, kept adding, kept adding more things into our lives. Beach house, a bigger house, a chicken coop and run with 16 chickens. All of these things have kept me uber busy, allowing the fundimental "missing" between us to be placed on the back burner.
And oh, these chickens... I'm very attached to. I'm about to leave them, my cats and everything that was build in these last 10 years. I can't even look at the part where I'm leaving a 13 year old girl behind. His daughter. Who has been my heart daughter for these past 10 years. My son is grown so it feels less heavy with him. Yet, It's still all very intense.
I can already feel a heavy resistance inside me. A huge part of me does not want to make this change.
So today, I'm sad. So sad that everything is making me cry. Heading down to the coop to let the chickens out and feed them-a thing that brought me so much joy yesterday -brought me to tears today. I got in and out very quickly as the tears ran down my face. I couldn't even really look at them or enjoy their little feathered cuteness.
I absolutely adore everything else about my life except...the lack of affinity between this man and myself. And we absolutely tried. We couldn't have done more or tried more. We are both such great people, we are just not great together.
So here I go...about to go through this house to see what belongings I've arrived with or which things are mine because... this man told me "the sooner the better" and yes, that was like being hit with a bullet... but at the same time, I totally get it. Why delay or suffer any longer than we already have? We agreed it's not working and this needs to end so it's time to be in action. Still, When he said that, the tears ran down my face. He was not intending to hurt me. It was not said in coldness. More like self preservation. He does acknowledge that it is my life that will bee changing, not his. And he's in the space of "whatever you need."
The goal is to be packed and have everything I own in storage within the next two weeks.
And it just so happens, this upcoming weekend I've been invited to a grief ritual near Washington DC. Sobonfu Some will be leading this ritual. She's a world renouned leader in African Ritual.
One of my authors in the magazine who lives in Laguna Beach California, invited me and will also be in attendance. We are looking forward to meeting one another for the first time! I suspect this will be an intense weekend for me in-between packing. As well as provide this man and it with the ability to not spend the weekend in this awkward place.
Interestingly enough, last week I was drawn to a book I still have from my involvement with Alanon. It's called "The Courage to Change." I've been passing through the pages daily.
And so here I am getting one of my many tools out of my tool box and implementing the concept of: One Day At a Time. As anything more than that feels like a bit too much.
And so...a new chapter is about to begin. May everyone involved in this be blessed with a greater and brighter future.