That weird zone of no longer being together while still living in the same house. As I've shared in previous blog posts, the original goal (per him) was an intention of zero animosity. That intention eventually began to wear off because let's face it, habits can be hard to break and when you're a race horse wanting to get out of that gate to be free to run wild, the gate, no matter how much you intend to not be angry at it, to not blame, to be patient.....the gate is in your way. (I'm the gate-blocking his freedom)
I have heard...( in a moment of frustration ) how the 12 days I was gone was the best. Lol. (Listen buddy, it was pretty cool for me too...so I get it! I really do!!!
Two days ago, I heard (again in a moment of frustration) all of my terrible qualities. It was pretty intense. What I NOTICED: in my mind was-this guy is suffering and he doesn't know how to handle all of the stress and tension. Whereas, I've been traveling to things like: African Grief Rituals and Aruyvedic health spas. I am actively and intentionally spending my time finding safe containers to transition and get rid of all the grief, pain, sadness on deep levels. This poor guy hasn't had the incredible opportunities that I am having. He is having a really hard time with this transition.
Once he calmed down, the poor guy felt so terrible about his own behavior and to be honest, I felt bad for him too. "Please forgive me?"
YES, I absolutely forgive you..
Last night I heard "I'm proud of you for sticking to the Aruyveda cooking program."
Proud of me?
here's what I NOTICED about what came up for me...his being "proud of me," meant nothing to me. It wasn't good or bad, it was literally nothing. His intention was sweet, I'm sure but I felt nothing. And maybe that's because I've always felt that he has had more of a parental world view than a partner world view. I can't even count how many times I've said through the years that I didn't really need another father, only to hear him say "oh yes you do!" I think it was his desire to impact me, to teach me and perhaps to help me grow (maybe) but there is a way to speak to a grown woman like me and he was never able to find my sweet spot which would have allowed him to lead me...you can't lead someone you don't see and you can't expect someone to follow you whom you don't take the time to see.
Just noticing...just my thoughts.
This morning he looked at me and said "you look happier." I NOTICED my thoughts on that too. I am a notoriously annoyingly happy morning person. 9x out of 10 I wake up extremely happy and very joyful. I really got instinctively: what a projection that was. For the first time in a long time...HE is happy. So he is seeing me as happier.
He's been out every night, doing his thing.
And what's interesting about that is one of the most attractive qualities he had when I first met him was that he did his own thing. I'm a lover of a grown man who has guys nights and his own interests. And most importantly doesn't expect me to be a part of every interest. I love a guy in his power, in his life-playing golf or having connections with men because I am the same way. A little individuality combined with togetherness. Because I believe when you're doing the things you love, you are fulfilled and when you are fulfilled-you bring that fulfillment into your relationship. I also believe connecting to ones own gender is important. That men who connect with other men-have access to filling up that need to play, make fun of each other. Compete. Because I believe if a man doesn't do that-he brings that competitive energy into his relationship with a woman. You know you've lost that polarity when your guy calls you "Dude."
"Listen Dude..." Or Dude, that's not cool." To me, that's a sign he isn't fulfilling his own gender need...
Again, just noticing....