That was me a few weeks ago when....
One of my ex husbands friends accidentally dialed my # and decided to leave me a voicemail too.
When I picked up my phone and saw his name on my voicemail, I thought "NO!!! I do not like YOU and what could you possibly have to say to ME?"
Months before my marriage ended...he told me he was ending his friendship with me and would only be friends with my husband. He was taking sides.
Which is the very last thing any marriage ever needs. (that's an entirely different blog entry on it's own)
In that moment...I felt this slow dark energy move through my entire body. I felt slimmed and for me, this was just another moment that led me to the decision to leave my marriage. He couldn't know that, no one knew that. How could he? I am the only person on the planet who knows every little intricate moment within my marriage, what it needed and what contaminated it. Only I knew that.
My husband was always looking for people who would do that. Take his side. That was actually something I knew about him before I married him.
As his third wife, I did not go into my marriage with my eyes closed. And I did not go in to "save him," from himself either. Sure, there was a time where I was told I was "An Angel," or "His Angel" and all of that jazz- by him and/or by others, but my ego never felt happy about that or secure in that. To me, I was just being me and honestly I wanted everyone to stop saying that because when a person is the type of person -who needs everyone to take "their side," - I already knew that unhealed part would resurface and when it did....when a person comes down -off of the high -that you are their angel...Guess who becomes the first person whose side they don't want people to be on? That's right...the Angel's side.
It's like... lets just all be humans growing and helping each other to grow... What seems uneven in one moment may very well turn around in the next.
I really don't need the illusion of Angel status. That shit can go bad quick!!
It is my experience, often..a woman put on temporary, momentary higher ground (aka a pedestal) eventually that woman somehow manages to fall off of that higher ground and when she does..it's pretty intense. That's when life get's real..that's when you can begin...
I already knew that too. So there was nothing in me that felt gratified in being seen as "The Angel," all that said...there are men who just revere and have respect for women. That's a totally different pedestal. And there was nothing in me that feels I was blocking his freedom either. If you ask me, if there was any human on the planet who wanted my husband to feel the depth of his own freedom and empowerment, it was ME. Many times, I thought if he just lost everything, everything people worshiped him for...he would be able to start from the ground up and I would have stood by his side for sure. But you know, life moves as it should...
It always comes back until it's healed, whatever it is....that's just the way it works....
The need to have someone take your side at the expense of others, even at the expense of your own marriage...I always knew he had that, for me a part of the purpose of our marriage was the deeper purpose and a part of that was- everything could have been used to grow away from defaults from childhood.
To me, we were on that path and at any given time, in the moments where it looked like we were doomed..there could have been a breakthrough. I know this is possible because in the 10 years that we were playing it all out with each other...there were many breakthrough's along the way.
This person (the side taker) came into my husband's life and then our life very late in the game. He knew nothing. That is not his fault, but this is where reverence for the fullness of marriage comes in. I find this relevant in general and it's often very much involved in the work I do with women in general. The wife is usually seen in limiting ways.
Right now, I bet (and I don't know for sure) my husband is probably experiencing what he and I experienced when we first met.
Pure beauty. Oh, it seemed like he had finally met the perfect person. I was that woman to him too.
If you saw us, experienced us or were with us "in the beginning" the only thing you would have experienced was joy, love and fun. Even 10 years later when we say the people we hung out with at the very beginning of our connection...they were for our marriage. Their memories were good ones.
It takes some time for the resurfacing of unconscious elements to rise to the surface again. Fortunately for the next woman in his life, I was there for the hard stuff. The real hard stuff. The kind of stuff most people do not have the capacity to stay for. I stayed, I stood, I knelt, I stepped back, I endured, I loved through many things. That was what I did. And I can say that with the deepest knowing..that is the truth.
And to her, to this next woman....I say...You're welcome and please know that...the man you are meeting...is not the same man I met. Again, you're welcome.
The growth and whatever is left for you and him to do together...will not be because of me. Don't blame me for what's left. Don't do that weird and twisty thing women do...blaming the women who came before them. That man was well loved. Deeply loved. No matter what the naysayers, gossip hounds, side takers, know it all's say...It will behoove you to remain reverent and focused on your own self love, your own heart and your own ability to apply wisdom.
Back to this person, this person who took sides....
I did feel slimmed but I also felt something else to. That's the thing with me, Co-existence exists in me through many incidents.
I had a lot of respect for him in that moment too. Since my husband always attracted people who didn't have the capacity or the essence to have reverence for marriage...Most of them showed up and just pretended with the bare minimum level of politeness. It wasn't just those single women who wanted his attention, or the divorced woman who only cared about her connection to him (which is an entirely different post all together) It was kind of like a never ending stream of.....people...
I had to give him credit because he did not do that and that's actually what made me like him so very much, that's how we became friends in the first place. Because he was so fully self-expressed and I really love that in people. He did that unapologetically and sometimes even when I feel hurt and feel like something is unkind or unfair to me. I still see more than that...I still respect a person who has the capacity to SAY IT vs the weird and twisty passive aggressive way people act out or pretend. Or that insidious political correctness/politeness at the expense of being real.
Over a year later he accidentally reaches out and I feel that darkness move through my entire body all over again.
I couldn't believe it. I forgot all about him and I thought I was done..
Then I hear his voice and his excitement over how great his relationship is going.... followed by his gratitude that I was a part of helping his relationship flourish.
Well MISTER MAN!!!!! Hearing THAT was a mixed bag of beans ((sure was!))
That is me...I DO take the side of the connection. I take the side of LOVE. Not one human or the other human. That IS me actually taking a stand for the person in front of me...because I believe it is connection and love that heals us.
And that is also what some people do not like about me -because like my husband, they NEED people to take THEIR side...to feel loved. My inability to do that...doesn't always feel so good.
That was really nice of him to acknowledge that & I love his partner so much. I was happy to hear they are still vibrant
Unfortunately, I could not feel natural reciprocity or return the gratitude because that is not what he did for me. And that part felt yucky.
Sitting in my Angry Bird State....
I thought about my friends. My tribe and all of the ways they minded their own business. They did not and would not interfere, they did not take sides. I thought about how my husband was always embraced by them no matter what relationship nonsense I was or would be complaining about (((Because I vented A LOT)))
This gave me a deeper appreciation for my friends, my choices, my tribe. My husband was welcomed and embraced.
The point was to bring him into a community of love, not to take sides. We were supposed to be on the same team. I love my friends so much. To know, they have that expanded capacity... that is in alignment with what I want to have in my life. I really love them.
But this train of thought also just made me angrier at this person. This poor guy was taking the brunt of ALL the people I ever felt interfered with the organic growth process in our marriage.
No one ever ever knows what goes on behind closed doors. Or the level of depth, endurance or the fullness between two people.
While It is and always will be the responsibility of the two people in their marriage. I wish I could say, we had that thing-that way of being-that deeper commitment/agreement...
That: nothing could contaminate the sanctuary of our union (not even us)
Sadly, I can not say that. That isn't what my husband wanted to create with me. That was always missing.
So it really had nothing to do with any thing else or anyone else...However, the truth is....everyone needs a community that is for love and unity.... It's hard to have that when your world is full of naysayers, side takers, know it all's and more... that does not help move things in any good direction.
There is no one to blame yet.....
Still....I was an Angry Bird.
And I told this fella exactly how I felt.
"I did!! I took sides!! You're right. And you have every right to be mad at me"
Darn HIM!!!! I was wanting to stay mad and he ruined it :)))
Do you know how hard it is to remain an angry bird after someone says that?
Forgiveness melted over me (slowly) not instantly. After all I have been carrying that around for over a year without even knowing it!!!!
Yet ultimately. He took the brunt and he gets my absolute gratitude because he helped me heal something that was there before his arrival. He just happened to be the only honest one and the last one.
And so, I love him again LOL...
And now, I'm a little more free...
On a deeper level, I'm becoming more and more interested in things like indigenous feminism. I'm learning more about that.
Recently, here was a woman here who used that term. I had never heard of that before.
She was sharing with me... The essence of the indigenous is circular. The children are at the center, The women stand around the children, and the men stand around the women. These women are leading. These men are leading too.
Now before you go and get all crazy...a gay man would be with the women if he wanted to be.
Just stay with me on this one without adding anything to it.
This resonated with me in deeper ways. Not just with what was missing within my marriage, but also with the work that I do.
In our culture, we are all about violently forcing equality concepts in a way that are just dark and insidious vs empowering and beautiful. I can't go into that right now...(that's an entirely different blog post)
But in the sacred model within the indigenous model, a biological mother and a stepmother really would stand side- by -side and they really would work together as the child stays loved and cherished in the center of the circle.
And the men would stand on the outer circle unapologetically claiming their masculine-protecting all of the women and all of the children in the tribe. Not just who is biologically his, not just the mother of his child, and not just his wife. He'd have a deeper sense of purpose driven by his divine masculine nature being allowed to just be what it is.
In this model, the children are always at the center. They are always loved, no matter who, what, where, or who gave birth to whom or who is married to whom....
There is something about that, essence wise....I'm going to dig deeper into that...
But for now, how this applies to my healing and my freedom and ability to let go of what no longer exists?
It just does. Time will tell. More wisdom has been downloaded in me. I don't know how I will apply any of it yet.
But to this man who took sides, I really love you and I thank you so much for helping me get more free