If you don’t know, recognize or realize that kn every moment, in every exchange you have ever or will ever have with your children -is you having an exchange with their other parent.
To be disconnected from that -is what it means (to me) to not respect, accept the wholeness of your own child.
All any parent ever has to do is Look deeply into the eyes of your own child and all of your answers are right in front of you.
I’ve actually been in a deeply loving and intimate connection with my sons father for 27 years via our son. Plus the years before that of actually being with him and the kids.
This is a very hard concept for people to comprehend sometimes because everyone is so busy projecting their own parenting values, styles and parenting trends onto all parents that they lose sight of this in small and large ways. Families are in crisis at all different layers and levels every minute of every day everywhere and what that means and what they need is to be lifted and helped with a larger life lens.
Inside my own heart space i am very clear.
I love my son and I also respect him.
In the space between him and I we are consistently evolving. This has been true since 1995.
He has earned my respect every time he has taken the step with me to tell me what his boundaries are with me from the center of what he wants and what he doesn’t want.
It has to be his nature that I work with. Where do people think this originated from:
“Take what resonates with you, do what you want with it and ignore what is not workable in your reality. You are free, always. It’s your life, your moments, your heart, your family.”
“Emerson Eggerichs Ph.D., author of Mother & Son: The Respect Effect, explains that girls and boys, in fact, do respond differently to certain words and attitudes. He says that boys have a deep seated need for respect—even stronger than their need for love. Eggerichs encourages mothers to use language that reflects respect and honor to our sons, affirming their character and abilities. Understanding our sons’ need for respect and speaking to them in ways that reflect that respect actually encourages our boys to respond back to us in love—a language mothers know fluently”
The loss of your child’s other parent will literally break your heart. If you are connected at this level.
My son shared the news this would be happening months ago. I was in PA and as I looked into his eyes...the truth of my heart was right there.
My rules for myself have been
1. You must heal your own heart.
2. Put the oxygen mask on yourself so his pain doesn’t drown you. Cause that’s not going to be helpful to him. It will just confuse and burden him.
3. I must not project my own father/loss/pain/trauma -onto him. This felt super duper important from a what it means to be “trustworthy” standpoint.
We are connected.
Our thread is weaved in thickness through generations and it is also equally true -this is his father, not mine.
The equal opportunity that exists inside every parent/child bond. (From my own value system)
This paragraph from Shifting the Sun is very TRUE in my own experience:
“When your father dies, it doesn't matter that other people's fathers have died, that fathers have been dying since human time was born. What matters in the moment of his death is that he was your father.
Your one and only.
Your loss is unique, profound,
YES. YES. YES!!!
This needs to be understood. Deeply.
Very very deeply in my opinion.
My som is going to be speaking at his fathers services. This is extraordinary. His rite of passage. His desire to do so is a stepping stone. 🙏🏼 Family. Sacred ground.