This was another thing sent to me. I love this too.
The other day when I had that anger/trigger thing come up.... the one that I wrote in my blog...the one that led me to say "F-You," I have to tell you... I really love when that happens to me because that incident was 17 years ago... and I had no idea I was still carrying it. Can you imagine my surprise? But it wasn't just that moment. By that point in time... I was feeling heavily weighed down by a lot of that kind of heavy judging energy as it was....that was just the thing that tipped me over the edge and stayed inside of me.
I was very sensitive to energy, I was still wounded and still grieving.
The thing about the "F-you" though is this-once you say it - you can't ever take it back. That said, certain friendship circle's (Like LA and East Coast) it is meaningless or humorous. A person can say that and it's funny and actually harmless. You'd have to experience that to understand that.
I have so many different social circles-in some of them...it really is funny. In others, with the people who like to speak softly...it's just never funny and kind of a common curtesy to forgo that.
Yet, there is the angry version....that hits me differently.
I know when someone whom I care about (deeply) says that to me in anger -my heart hurts, I cry and I feel sad. I know I'm supposed to put my big girl panties on and all of that but that is not how it works for me. So I really have to be feeling very violated for that to come out of my mouth. I'm talking at a level beyond.
I don't know if what I'm about to write is true or not.... but it does seem like many unconscious people will essentially say "F-You," to you- a dozen times, in a dozen forms and then when you finally stick up for yourself- they become completely unglued. How DARE YOU! and WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? or HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT TO MEEEEEEE!!!
In that space -historically what has happened in me -I would end up feeling really bad on my insides. I would go into this place of "oh I shouldn't have said that" and completely forget all of the pre-existing violations to my base line human right to be treated and spoken to with dignity. I couldn't even get to the "hold up, wait a second..let me share with you all of the context that led me to that moment." Then I would eventually take 10000% responsibility at this juncture. A part of that was because I just wanted to be back in the space of connection and because it felt like, in many situations it was much easier for me to absorb and so I would (But it wasn't, I wasn't all that strong)...and yet I am very strong in other areas, I can easily bite or bark too.
I had this conversation the other day with one of my friends who amazes me. She is very strong, articulate, highly educated, knows so much about so many things, can and does "it all." Yet, she also has a sensitive heart too. I'm starting to believe it's an illusion. All of that "Strong women do, don't, are, aren't." And I wish people would stop telling women their definition of what it means to be a strong woman, as if having a tender heart isn't strength...because it totally is. Strong includes the ability to be vulnerable.
I think everyone has their unique "things" this includes me.
Most of the time I am this:
**What I am about to share has no emotional charge for me. I am just sharing....these are my memories and parts of my journey.
Many years ago, after Donovan died I hated god and told him so. I cut him off and told him I didn't believe in him anymore. I was done. This was just about the time the Alicia Keys song came out. "Fallin"
"I keep on fallin'
In and out of love with you
I never loved someone
The way that I love you"
When I sang that song I was essentially singing it to god. My faith was on very shaky ground because I was in so much pain.
Yet- that eventually led to inquiry, discovery, exploration and a desire to build my own relationship with God from my own core vs people telling me what to believe. I couldn't feel God. Then when I was studying world religions I went back into the bible but I was only interested in what Jesus had to say. Things like:
If my brother hurts me seven times how many times do I have to forgive him? Seven times? "No," Jesus said "seventy seven times" (or something like that.
And "Why do you see the splinter in your brothers eye when you have a wooden beam hanging out of yours."
I think that's actually my favorite. As it's just another way to say -as you point your finger at someone -there are four more fingers pointing back at yourself.
Which is the same as...imagine when you are judging someone you have a sword over your head but when you drop the sword it falls on your head not theirs.
To me, these things have always been the same exact messages shared in various ways to help humans grasp concepts even if they are against the bible or if words like "God" make them cringe -they can still receive spiritual principles that really are and always have been universal. Which kind of lets you know...God is all about diversity and why I am more essence based. Being essences based allows me to hear all of it, however it's framed.
I'm sensitive in these ways....
My husband often said to me in certain moments..."I forget sometimes how sensitive you are" and that leads me to the final layer of what the documentary "The Mask You Are In," brought to the surface for me......
I felt that I could actually relate to the systemic problem of "Be A MAN" because it felt like
my husband wanted me to "Man Up" and I'm not talking about money. I'm talking about things like competitiveness and compartmentalization. He needed an outlet for his competitive nature.
During the times he didn't create that for himself, It didn't go so well. But that's a theme with me anyway. Unless we are in an actual competition and it's a healthy one, I am not interested. But he was, many people are, it's fun for them. It's not fun for me unless it's playful.
Other things too...but the essence is the same for me..... we are on the same team..for heavens sake.....
Besides...Why on earth would I want to Man Up when it's so much more fun to be the woman that I am....
I'm just saying....
There are only three legit reasons to go back into my past as far as I am concerned.
1. For all of the tender moments and memories that touch me and connect me to others
2. To be able to empathize and have compassion knowing I haven't always been this peaceful
3. To eradicate anything that I am unaware I am carrying so I can dump it and be lighter inside of my own self. (AKA Clean the grid)
Other than that and because of that....Onward and Upward..one moment at a time...and in the meantime, as I've become very quick and very clear about where my "F-You's" exist, please know that it is my goal to handle those moments more eloquently. Yet, at this time...I'm working on that vs already being there....I'm more likely to just walk away these days but there are certain days a month....and in those days, If I am saying that to you...all it means is that you have violated some area where I feel I have the right to be free in..... Just in case...(in the last 5 years, it's happened twice)