As in whatever feelings, thoughts come up first and foremost. I felt bad for all three of them plus the other kids and the family in general. I don’t actually know how that family moves through these things. I only know when my son’s paternal grandfather died, my son was younger and it was super important to him that I attend his grandfather’s funeral. It meant something to him that I be there. When he saw walk into the church at his grandfathers funeral he was happy to see me, came to walk me to sit down and all I can say is it felt important to me because it was important to him and gosh I really loved my son’s grandfather. He was the nicest kindest man to me and to his grandchildren.
These types of things don’t disappear via divorce.
Family is family is family and especially as it relates to our children.
Now it’s many years later, he’s a grown man now and I live pretty far away.
In addition to that as a family we are still all healing from the loss of my father, his grandfather and my son’s father and his wife have always been welcome, well received and a part of my family still because my family values these types of things. Divorce isn’t all that relevant as much as the children are.
As I’ve mentioned before, my son was born-left my body and basically looked at his father and said I love you Dad. From the moment of his birth -him and his father had their own deep connection and love. It just existed as many things seem to just exist. I didn’t, my son didn’t and his father didn’t really do anything to have that happened it just was the nature of it. I’ve had reverence for that and them, always.
Many times through the years my son would return home, the moment he saw me he would share his hurt feelings as it related to something that went on at his fathers house and I would listen to him and then call his father for no other reason than to give his father an opportunity. This is how he feels, this is what he’s left with, it’s up to you if you want to pick him up to talk to him or not. First of all, his Dad often worked a lot of hours, had four other kids and a lot going on and there was this time period of five years where my son had his father to himself and they were two peas in a pod. My son was often sensitive because he literally worshiped the ground his father walked on. Therefore, my calls were not to yell or parent his father. They were to give him the opportunity to handle his own connection with his son in whatever way felt right to him. 100% of the time when this happened, his fathers choice was always to pick his son up and have a conversation. My son would return to my home happy. The other part of that was I did not want to send my son to school with a heavy heart when I knew for sure he had a father who actually loved him.
Your relationship with your son is yours. Here is what is true for him. How would you like to handle this?
Fast forward to now after a lot of years of various life happenings, I find myself still caring only about the truth that exists in my own family with this ungodly fear that someone, some place is going to project their own shitty version of what it means to be a good mother and what I “should” do for my son at this time. Your son needs you. Yes. He does and my son has me. He always has.
Weekly, my son has been FaceTiming me, sometimes several times a week. For months now we always connect on what’s going on with his Dad and should something come up for him he has me to bounce things off of. I also have this with my mom. He also calls my mom every week since my Dad passed away because he loves her and wants to be sure she’s okay and really, my mom is a nicer, kinder woman than I am. He loves her more. Haha. We joke about this all the time but it’s actually true. She’s just this ball of love in the way grandmothers are but my mom is a little extra in that. My mother and I worry together on behalf of my son and she often cries for him and for his father and for Kim because she’s tender in her heart. A little more so due to her own significant loss. In this way I am always leaning in with her and stopping the conversation or changing the topic so that there is focus on life and all that is good to keep her humming.
It is only recently that I have had to detach from her slightly and move into exclusively connecting to my motherhood with my son. His story from his birth to now so I don’t project my own father loss onto him. I just went through this but I’m not a 27 year old young man. He will have his own experience of this that I know nothing about.
This recent thing happened because my son FaceTimed me several times hour after hour after hour all throughout the night and he said to me “It’s a good thing you aren’t here because right now you would be sleeping and I wouldn’t call you”
There is nothing I want more than to be his witness at this time because that means everything to me. He means everything to me and he knows this. Deeply. Through a series of FaceTimes and witnessing I began to feel anxiety about not being there. I thought I’m going to have to go to the east coast. My empathy and compassion was at an all time high again. I needed to enlist the love troops. That meant contacting my younger brother who is actually one of my son’s fathers best buddies. However I pause before doing so because my brother has a lot going on and he just lost his dad too so I’m like..this requires some mindfulness.
My brother is smart. He called my son’s stepmother and my son to find out exactly what was going on before getting back to me to tell me “I got this.” And in that moment, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief because when my brother says he’s got something he has it. In the same way my Dad did.
Today my son FaceTimed me “Uncle Brian told me you are planning to come home. Mom, don’t do that”
I thought. Yep. My brother. Lol. He’s got that.
I don’t know anything. All I can do is exactly what my son tells me he wants and exactly what he tells me he doesn’t want and that is all.
I am listening to him and have been this entire time. There are a few things he keeps repeating that my mind is recording as something that is going to be a thing for him as a part of his grief process. One of the things is “I’m only 27 years old.” I’m like ugh. You’re breaking my heart. And today my mother informs me that she was 27 years old when her Dad died. I actually remember when that happened because my mothers nose turns red when she cries and when her father died her nose was red for a very long time. She was very sad and she was trying not to be very sad for us but her nose doesn’t lie. Like Pinocchio in reverse. She could never ever hide her sadness from us. We always knew it when our mom was sad.
Anyway, what’s going on for my son’s father at this time has me feeling really bad for the man. So this evening I’m going to spend a little time in doing that thing that is available to all of us at all times. I’m going to send love. Not in any weird or twisty romantic kind of way cause that would be weird and twisty but in a way that I can for the man who gifted me with my children. I don’t think or know if that will do anything to help him or remove any of the pain he is currently experiencing but I do know that is really all I can do so I will.
You just go into an intentional meditative state, breath and pour love and reverence through your own body mind and send it. If done right you can feel sometimes if it’s being blocked. Which can mean the other person doesn’t want that from you. Or it can also mean you have your own agenda and you’re not supposed to have your own agenda because it’s only for the other person and it’s supposed to be free of any agenda. The unconditional type of thing.
Talking to my mom today we talked about life and how many people push to go live it. Get out there. Do things. Enjoy your life. And I laughed because I can’t help but think and know I’ve actually been all over the place living for so many years and have had so much and so many lives that I couldn’t be happier this weekend doing nothing. And even in doing nothing I’m doing a lot.
For instance I currently have an
Achilles’ tendon injury. It’s most inconvenient because we have a hula performance coming up in March and our classes are more intense now because of this. Plus I’m doing my 10000 steps every day. And I have not missed a day of 10000 steps in two and a half months. I like it a lot. This is one of those mid life things and also if you don’t change your sneakers out quick enough. Which is my cause. However, there are four trigger points I have been working with on my own leg. It’s amazing how the body works but this is the type of thing that takes time to reconcile and that’s just how it goes if you want to keep moving. So I’m doing all the things to keep moving and heal this thing. Plus as I walk I listen to hula songs or do the arms at least. When I do that the time walking seems to magically take no time at all.
My mother same thing. She’s inward and enjoying her time alone but she’s also very busy. She goes out with her friends a lot and they are planning a trip which I’m so happy that she’s doing that and this will be the first time for her that she’s going on a cruise without my Dad so she’s being super mindful. Working out all the details on all levels to make it the best trip for herself and her friends. That kind of is “living” it’s just not partying like a Rock Star kind of living.
“Get out there. Live” I’m like...that sounds...like a bad idea at this time.
I like this one a lot:
And I sort of have this other weird thing going on. It’s really mostly my neighbors and gossip and nonsense and bullshit that I don’t really have the patience for. Gossip Oy. I’m so very allergic to that sort of thing and I’m excited for when it disappears.
I’m annoyed by this though.
I will share that in my next blog.