Having the time and space to be with myself...doesn't feel much different. The realization is-I was alone a lot anyway. That may be one of my pay offs because I truly enjoy my own company so thoroughly that it was very easy for me to be okay with being left alone a lot.
However, a deeper truth seemed to pop up for me from my past. There was a time where I was like a wounded animal. This was true for a few years after Donovan died. Making decisions and choices while you are grieving is its own thing. I was confronted the other day by my choices in my past and how I felt deeply wounded so I let good things go - because I felt sorry for anyone who wanted to be around me. Almost like I was saving them by walking away. Which is its own twisted wounded animal mentality. You know, when an animal is wounded its nature is to head into an area alone. I've seen this happen with one of my cats and several of my chickens. When wounded they isolate themselves. I did that, like the nature of an animal.
This came up for my review. I realized too that I love so deeply that I have to be so very careful. It will now be important to me to think deeply about what agreements I make with people. And I realize I know myself better now than I have ever known myself before.
I spent some time these last few days grieving my choices when I was grieving and didn't realize those choices were being led by grief. To forgive myself. Because sometimes I left people wounded due to my being a wounded animal.
Now though it is time to release that yucky stuff that has laid dormat and un- acknowledged.
Several years ago, I was dating this amazing guy. He was so very good to me. There was a moment when we were in his car driving some place and I looked over at him. I was flooded with love and suddenly I had this vision. I could see a house, our house-with a portrait of us, I was sitting in a chair and he was standing behind me. We were so happy in this portrait.
This vision completely freaked me out. You know, because I was a wounded animal. And who would want to be with a wounded animal?
So what did I do? I broke up with him. I broke his heart actually. But in my mind-I really was saving him from having to be with the craziness that was inside of me. It was paradoxical though. Even then, in my wounded state-I got I wouldn't always feel that way about myself.
At some point I asked him to watch the notebook because I had that vision and he could have easily been my Noah. He didn't get the hint though. When I think about how stupid it was for me to think he would be inspired by and get my point based on a movie - I have to laugh and cry at the absurdity of it. The absurdity of me.
So I found this all came up for me recently. And now that I'm older and my world is based on vulnerability and connecting to my own truth. I found myself grieving my choice to break up with him. Because it was based on insanity. My insanity.
More to process. Just when I think I couldn't possibiy have more to process...there is always more.