I'm settling into single life here on the transient island. Here in the city of Honolulu. Specifically the beaches of Waikiki. Although there is someone I feel this tremendous amount of love & affinity for, he's not here and I have absolutely no clue what the connection is meant to be.
And life IS happening NOW!!!!
I feel that sense of life is happening now. I think that's one of the several gifts bestowed upon you when you reach mid life-life is..that knowing...life is always now.
Single life is kind of awesome in my opinion. Living on a transient island is a very good experience for a woman like me to have. These men come and they go. It's perfect actually. I just float and see what shows up. I'm led by my desire and playing by my own rules. I feel deeply solidified in the truth that my life belongs to me. It often surprises me, the levels of how people think your life should be a certain way. The do's and don't's lists. The should and should not list. I can't imagine my life if I spent my time in fear, worried about what others think of me, stopping myself from doing the very things that bring me joy, lessons and an expansion within my own consciousness.
Currently I am in a sweet connection with an endearing man. He's here for one more week. He is lovely. We were all hanging out as a group, no intention. We went out to listen to music (again as a group) and we just connected through joy and fun. At some point, I don't remember exactly what prompted this, I think it could have been his shy nature, his gentlemanly nature, but I asked him "What do you want?" and he could not answer me.
And that's one of my favorite questions to ask anyone!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT? it's a rare bird who can actually answer that question. Sometimes people know exactly what they want but they just can't say it. Others, have no clue what they want at any given time. My new temporary friend? He knew exactly what he wanted, he is just a gentleman.
He spoke in tones of NOT telling me anything that would give me a clue as to what he wants. When he stopped talking. I put my hands up and asked again "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
Next thing I know, he's pulling me in for a kiss.
Okay, now we know! That was pretty awesome, to be honest. He didn't tell me, he showed me what he wanted. It was so good and even more endearing after the kiss was over and he said "sorry." Sweet sweet man.
There was literally nothing to be sorry about. He's a cross between Russell Crow, Blake Sheldon and someone else. I can't put my finger on.
I seem to be attracting a lot of gentlemen lately.
It's like, if you just let things unfold naturally, they sort of just flow into whatever it's meant to be. And for those men who aren't good listeners...You just learn...what you're really annoyed at is that they make you feel like a bad person who is forced to say "sorry, no" and sometimes repeatedly, but often I have found that when that happens, if I trace back to the moment of connection, I can always find a piece of "Hmm, I'm a little bit of a no here"
That's helpful for me because then I get to take responsibility and realize why it's so important for me to follow my full yes's and my full no's and if there is even a little trace of a "no," there is no need to proceed into anything that would confuse someone else. Friends is good. I like having friends....
There is growth to be had and I feel like each connection allows for that. Again though, I think it's a mid-life thing. You know, past the need or desire to build a family and have children and the new desire is to create connections that mean something, whether it's joy, fun and lightheartedness or depth. Either way, it's all so good!!!
Just because this new sweet man is here for another week, that does not mean I will see him again. This is what I love about where I am right now in my life. It doesn't matter if I see him again or not. All the moments feel good before, during and after. Leaving in the space of feeling complete in care, goodness and clean communication lands me in a space of freedom to where it will be perfectly okay if I never see someone again because there is nothing missing and there is no heaviness either. That's the beauty of men who are also in mid-life. At least the one's I seem to be attracting and attracted to...they also have that thing, that life is happening now thing happening. I think as humans we become a little more conscious and mindful by the sheer nature of age alone. Even men who aren't on the path of self-development or growth...seem to be on the path of growing anyway. Just from life experience and changing as life changes. There is something tender about men my age and a little older. I really like that. There are a lot of men out there who find it very difficult to say what it is they want and it seems to me that's because they have given their lives to serve their work, wives, children, communities.
All of a sudden I am meeting GIVERS. AN influx of men who prefer to GIVE than to take from a woman or rather....highly focused on what can this woman give ME. ME. ME. ME...
I have to say, these men are SO MUCH MORE FUN!!!!!
I find myself naturally softening into the most beautiful sensations being with men who's nature it is to just give. And if there is a little part of that is the need to be in control, or the inability to surrender...I become an opportunity for these guys to access just a little less self control or a little experience of surrender and I do that with reverence and a deep appreciation for them that..it isn't easy for them to do. It's all so very endearing. I hear a variation of "That was the first time I have ever said that to a woman," "That was really hard for me to say, do or ask for"
There doesn't even have to be a kiss. This can all happen via conversation. It's really beautiful. And if feels really great.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?