As we continue to transform our relationship from being a couple to being individuals ready to start our new lives without one another...the emotional evolutionary process has run through. We are now in a place of just pure appreciation and have the ability to connect as humans. I'm pretty happy about that because it feels more in alignment with my spirit.
His intention was "zero annomosity," and I realized some place along the transition that my intention was a little different. For me, in order to reach the level of cleanness where zero annomosity could truly exist-it required processing and releasing. Not always pretty and it didn't always feel so good.
Something happened this weekend that felt like the final push of acceptance. And I'm pretty sure it had a lot to do with the fearless relating weekend that just happened in our home.
There was an openness, levels of honest communications. Questions answered and I found myself heading up the steps to lay beside him in bed and lay in what I have referred to as "The Nook."
The nook is the place on his broad chest where my head fits perfectly. It became a thing we did. Whenever I needed a minute to be in the nook, I would say "I need the nook." And he would jump at the opportunity to provide me with the safety of his nook and I would lean into him. He was always pretty cute about it. Almost like he was just waiting to be that for me and it only took about a minute or less before I felt full.
He told me he was happy to see me happy and wished the best in life for me and I mirrored that back to him. It was a lovely moment and that is what I want so much more than zero annomosity. I want to exist beyond zero annomosity and be in reverence.
There has been a clearing where there is a level of freedom from each other. We've given each other permission to be free.
Last night, at about 1 in the morning he was on a "secret call." He didn't realize I was close to where he was talking and I didn't realize he was on the phone. When he came inside, he looked at me surprised with an "oops" in his eyes and walked right back out the door with the phone in his hand.
Is that sneaky or respectful? For me (and it's only my opinion that really matters since it's our connection and no one else's) -it felt respectful. Unnecessary but respectful none the less. I already know there is someone else. And I'm also in that zone where my eyes, heart and mind are beginning to open up to the possibility of others (eventually) and we are at an age where life is truly short. When something ends there just doesn't feel like there is this huge need to wait or be guided by what society says is normal.
For me though, I vibrate so deeply and I know myself very well. It will take me some time to be able to see and experience someone else with the level of freedom I prefer when connecting to a lover or a potential partner. Otherwise I will show up projecting energy from this relationship. I don't like to do that to myself or anyone else. I like to be truly free body, mind and spirit. It's important to me to heal fully from something.
At this time.. as I think about the possibility of what is next for me romantically, the only thing I am even remotely ready for or interested in at this time is a playful lover who doesn't expect or need anything from me except joyful play. As my priority is developing myself and my business in a big way so I may create the life I want to truly live.
Growth for me and my desire to bring myself to my own unique growing edge seems to come in waves. Sometimes, I'm really not interested in growth because I take on big things and then I need time to process and integrate those things. Then when I'm ready again-I seek growth, mentors, coaches and find what is next for my growing edge.
The next 6 months of my life will truly be all about me. Well, it will be all about me and the incredible women of Florida who are waiting for me so we can contribute to one another. And I'm super excited about that. I feel so ready for my next adventure.
The other day I had an experience where I communicated with someone to let them know who I am. That this is me and that isn't going to change. (In so many words) I was sharing with them to give them the opportunity to decide for themselves if they want to remain connected to me or not. I was offering choice.
What the other person heard was "take it or leave it." And it wasn't received as a positive thing.
For me, when someone is that clear about who they are-I LOVE that. Even if I don't like it.
It's like this: please don't shut off or turn off aspects of who you are for me-please do not do that because I'm not looking for and I am not interested in being the person in your life who you sacrificed parts of yourself "in the name of love," for. It's a total set up. It's a trap and you will only end up resenting me or confusing me for someone else who wounded you many years before I came into your life. I won't do that for you, so please don't do that for me.
In my hearing, what I heard was someone who would be deeply challenged by my nature. But my nature isn't going to change. If anything, I'm becoming more my nature now than ever before with a lack of willingness to sacrifice aspects of myself for anyone.
I just spent 10 years with someone who has been trying to change my nature the entire time. He's had no success. all it did was make us both so unhappy. I'm a wild one. Wild in the sense that I am strong in who I am. I decide who I am. I decide what lessons I'm currently working on or what lessons I need. It's my life and at the end of the day, I'm looking for someone to run wild with vs being held down.
This person opted out of connecting with me for other reasons. He ended up rejecting me which was really just him honoring himself. Which is so ironic and so perfect.
I've had my children. I've had conditional. I have had sacrifice. I have had trying to change someone else or someone trying to change me. I've had all of those lessons. I'm ready for something very different now.