I've had so many incredibly important realizations. Slow and deep vs Quick "ah ha" moments. I like both but the slow and deep ones seem to be more like a process of solidification.
Of course that seems rational and logical to those who think in those ways. But, I was not kidding and he wasn't kidding either. Our first encounter was very sweet. There was a spark. We dated for a while, without meeting either's child...kept it in the adult arena for a reasonable amount of time...Yet, eventually...this initial conversation...would end up being a true and fundamental difference between us and we both were who we were....
The struggle ended up being so very real. He wanted a roommate who he would create a 50/50 financial business agreement with. I wanted passion, someone who I could co-create with based on whatever worked. Neither wrong, neither right but some how, what i wanted had less value and therefore, in numerous and unconscious ways, I was seen as a second class citizen in a very real sense. Simply because his pay check was larger.
There came a point where I said he was allowed to desire and want any type of woman he wanted. I get it, I understand and he is free to go after the exact woman he wants. But what he wasn't allowed to do...was try to mold me into being something I am not. I can't do that.
But, he spend the next 10 years trying his best to get me to be different. Toward the end of our marriage, I remember saying to him "So, you just spent a decade trying to get me to be different..how does that feel?" That's kind of where I go with my sense of humor. I have that twisted sense of humor. Now though, 16 months later, I'm at the other side of all of the areas in which I allowed myself to carry theories that do not, and never have belonged to me.
As it turns out, I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself on all levels. I knew that, I did that for years before I met my husband but I realized just last week (as I was working hard and earning money) that a part of me did actually start to believe the story told to me that I would not be able to make it on my own.
Even to the very end, god bless that arrogant unconscious man...He was fluctuating between arrogantly telling me I would see what the real world is all about-or he'd spin it and tell me "because you're beautiful it will be easy for you to find another husband."
Talk about weird. Dear god. The things that man would say!!!! It's funny when people project their own reality onto you. I wasn't even gone a week yet and he had our entire back yard transformed into a baseball camp for another woman's children. This was not surprising, shocking or unexpected at all. Live and let live, that's what I say.
But in the end, I experienced a slow and deep realization that what he sees as the real world is not the real world, it's just his version of the real world and it's a big world out there, with all kinds of people living all kinds of lives.
And as far as being beautiful and that's all it will take for me to find another husband. All I can do is laugh at the absurdity of that one.
That kind of reminds me of the guy who came to waikiki for pro ball weekend. He did the big dramatic animal in heat dance to get my attention and then turned around and wanted to know if I was going to use him for his money. What a racket that whole thing is.
My husband, same thing. It's like he is forgetting I did not want to get married. He begged me for marriage... but somehow..I did something to him...And I'm the simple minded woman who is beautiful and will use that to get married because I'm on the hunt for husbands...or some weird shit like that.
You know, people are funny in that way....They forget who they are because they are so busy....making up stories about you.
Ah....gotta love humans
The gift of my deep and slow reconnection to my own sense of self, purpose and ability to take care of myself..... That's important.
In other ways, my husband was very good to me. That's marriage sometimes, it's not black or white, it's more like marble...as most connections are....and I hope he can take whatever I left him with that wasn't nice and have his own slow and deep realizations that whatever I said was also not true. I want him to be free and happy. I have always wanted that for him.
We shall See
Right now, I've got to get back to business and the "real world" :)