The kiss itself was very unexpected and mostly I'm more surprised that I didn't do the thing I usually do after a compassionate or friendly hug. Which is, I sort of turn my head and move back just a couple of seconds too fast and therefore, I have experienced that awkward moment where a man goes to kiss me and stops because I have already turned my head.
It is only after that moment where I become present to just how often I do that. Just how often I miss the moment or the opportunity.
Short of a little internal wince "Darn, I did it again!"
It just floats away and I float right back into my geekery. I'm often pretty happy to just be spending my time geeking out and that was the state I was in when that unexpected KISS OF ALL KISSES happened...Or so I thought....
Light Hearted Masculine
LEADING TO FLOW STATES
Analogy's Understood, the first time.
Leading to MASTERMINDING!!!!!
DING!!!!! DING!!!!! DING!!!!!
2. Living in the space in between raising children, not having grandchildren
3. He actually articulated something that is the truth of it as I know it. "I spend a lot of time alone, a lot of time alone. SO when I am with people I enjoy it. That resonates deeply with me at this time.
He was full and therefore able to pay attention. As we talked about this beautiful space and time in our lives.....
We were able to talk about what it felt like in terms of meeting other single people who could handle the space we were both in.
For him, his work and world travels doesn't work for women even though he would love to be with someone.
He says "It's really hard to find someone who wants or can handle my life"
For me, it's slightly different however similar.
I began to share my idea regarding leading with the thread of desire at the center, friendship on one end and moving toward whatever agreement felt right as experiences were being experienced rather than a pre-existing map laid out.
To enjoy one another as moments are happening with the awareness that we want to be in the process of what it means to get to know a person however through the portal of enriching one another's life and being committed to the sweet spot between us.
I did articulate this a little differently however, he really loved the concept, he understood it and could see it. So much so ideas were flowing out of him. He had an amazing book title that just flew out of his mouth effortlessly and that title landed on me as so perfect. I went right to google it just to be sure it isn't already taken. It's not. He also had concepts and ideas and his concepts gave me ideas and my ideas gave him more concepts. My brain was extremely happy!!!!!
I could feel that I enjoyed the way we were connecting but I feel that way when masterminding is taking place. I do feel tapped in and turned on but it doesn't lead me toward having any expectations.
Im aware I feel fully alive in flow and I'm just enjoying being in it. I can feel I like him a bunch and I appreciate him for being in that space with me- However I feel like that a lot with people. I have these same experiences with the couple who owns the little store by my house.
As this was going on he did end up softly pinching my chin as he told me how cute I was. I said thank you and kept expanding on concepts.
It didn't feel like he was flirting with me.
My mother-in-law used to tell me how cute I was. In this way, it felt more family affinity-ish to me. Actually, now that I'm thinking about it - I do hear that a lot. "you're so cute." That lands on me as perhaps I'm endearing. Like a puppy or a kitten. I don't mind and it just doesn't occur to me as being interested or let me know I'm going to be kissed. That just does not enter my mind.
The thing is though..I'm beginning to recognize I may not understand some types of subtle flirts. It's like I don't get the memo or something. Particularly true for me when I'm Geeking out.
My response was an immediate "No" and she laughed.
I have all of these weird quirks that I'm noticing. It would not be in my nature or of interest to me (at this time )-to go to a "Singles" event. However... I don't mind going to places where there are single people.
It's just that I don't leave my house thinking about meeting singles. I just kind of leave my house and single people exist and that feels good to me.
The theme there seems to be just letting things happen perhaps.
And the invitations I accept from my friends I accept because I love hanging out with my friends and because they are so amazing, their friends seem to be that too. That works for me.
I can flirt when it feels natural, I can be around single people when it isn't intentionally spotlighted that I am SINGLE.
Something about that just isn't something that lands well on me. I'm all for being intentional about one's life, desires and all of that...some things don't feel like that to me though. In the same way I'm not a prude but I don't want anyone to spend the night.
Now back to that Kiss of ALL KISSES>....
As we parted and moved away from one another (which we moved far FAR away from each other) the room was spinning for me as I was completely wowed and just trying to figure out how that happened. Just then...he made a comment (almost to himself) "...very left field"
Yes, so left field, so completely unexpected and a very lovely surprise.
I was looking at him with this stupid grin on my face when he made that comment and I noticed he was a bit stunned himself however, he was more grounded than I was in that moment and that's when he came toward me but when he started moving toward me I was able to move toward him too....we kissed again.
The Kiss of All Kisses was followed by exploring and expanding upon it. It was absolutely incredible. And that is where the physical portion of this story ends.
For me: It just wasn't the kind of kiss that you take it "all the way," because it had that...now is not the time...written all over it.
It was more the kind of kiss that you leave in that spot, you savor it, you play with the energy, you enjoy it and use it to create while you....ever so slowly-begin to come down from it (hoping you don't ruin it by inserting weird stuff on the way down...)and if nothing ever comes of it..... it remains wonderful exactly where it was left
The Kiss of ALL KISSES LEFT THERE GETS A PERFECT SCORE BODY/MIND and SPIRIT
In the three years that I have been single, wild (sometimes) and free... I have only had one other Kiss of ALL KISSES and that too was "where the physical ended" and I'm so glad!!!
Both times, I got a follow up text.
The first kiss of all kisses (I'm only talking about my now) that gentlemen apologized to me for not making love to me as he said "I know you wanted me to."
That was true and that was also false because everything he told me, all the data he provided told me he wouldn't be able to handle having sex that soon in our connection and in his inability to handle sex that soon in our connection, I would end up paying the price for that emotionally and spiritually -so for me...that kiss also received a perfect score as it was left. When a man tells me anything, I listen very carefully.
This time, this gentleman did a similar thing only he did it in a different way. He wanted to make sure he didn't do anything that upset me and he wanted me to know he enjoyed the experienced and he hoped I did to.
In both cases, I felt these men were good to do the follow through. It felt like they were also both doing a little fishing to see how I would respond (even though they both knew they had the power to make me swoon) and I also felt like I was being tested in a sense.
The first time this happened, the man did not tell me how the experience was for him. He just told me what he knew was true for me. And he was looking for a relationship. As in right now and maybe yesterday but only as it related to his own sense of how things are done.
This gentlemen was in a different place in his life, he was full in his work and full in his connections and he was full in his communication too. He let me know, he enjoyed our time together and hoped I did to (Rather than telling me, he was hoping) That's well done there.
And this is where it gets tricky for me because I'm generous with my appreciation.
It just comes flowing out when I feel good on my own insides.
I don't care if that's their normal. As in, if they experience the kiss of all kisses with all women, every woman...that is not my business.
I only know.... That kiss of all kisses does not happen to me every day and I want them to know that because it's my truth, it felt so good and I want them to know that it felt good and I'm also not asking for anything.
Now what happens for men when they receive that from me, isn't really about me, it's about them.
Typically you can tell where a man is at by how well he is able to receive generosity in the form of verbal appreciation. You know, we are supposed to play the game, the cool game and yadda, yadda, yadda.
To me that isn't even logical... so I don't play that game however I DO and I AM mindful about how I present my appreciation.
I do consider both of us. I ask myself: What will let me be really true to myself while honoring the potential (and the probability) that the person on the receiving end might not be able to handle receiving from me?
You know, men are sometimes suspicious of us women. Living in their past or comparing us to all that came before us, or they seem to think they know me better than I know me sometimes...so I never know how "me being me," is going to land -I can only guesstimate based on the information/data/sense I am given.
If I can sense this type of resistance is a possibility, I begin with an invitation or a request to just allow what I'm going to say to land as it lands without any worry, pressure or fuss... I lay my appreciation on and then I am complete at the level I feel free in.
Whatever happens after that is not up to me.
And now that I am three years out (or in), have experienced so many things in my now single life...
I now have the capacity (as in truly) to just let it be...and then it's right back to my geekery where I feel most at home.
Now this man also provided me with a lot of data regarding the truth of his life, work, significant relationships. All of the what and where he will be traveling to for the next 6 months of his life and that will be thousands of miles away from this island. In his ability to be very full bodied in his communication with me, he left me with no need to guess or wonder on any level. To me, that's freedom and maturity and that feels very good to me.
I have zero expectations regarding anything and it's left in this perfect place. That is what makes it perfect.
He's given me absolutely no reason what-so-ever to feel anything other than good and to me...that could really be every single man's goal with every woman he meets. To make sure he's holding his own shape and that a woman is left feeling good.
The Fall of All FALLS!!!
That's twice in one week....Goodness!
I have 5 pieces of luggage all stuffed inside the other and I wanted the smallest one. So I stood tippy toed to retrieve and when I experienced the fall of all falls ( I mean for me and I mean in my now)
I somehow managed to fly like a frightened squirrel through the air as my big toe landed directly on the corner of one of my dumb bells. Holy crap.... did that HURT!!!!!!!
The impact was such that blood began to pour out of the sides of my big toe nail. The pain was so beyond what I could tolerate. So much so I began to moan my way into my bathroom leaving a trail of blood along the way as I ran cold shower water over my toe.
The blood just kept coming. I began to notice my moans sounded suspiciously similar to the lady some place in my block who clearly lives an orgasmic life. I can hear her pretty good and it always makes me smile as I say to myself or out loud "Good for you sister!"
However, my moans were coming from just how much pain this one toe was causing me.
I began to feel my moans were important to my ability to calm my own system down -at the same time- as I could feel the pain so brutal I began to feel the room spin, nausea -as sweet developed above my eye brows. I know that sensation, the pre-might faint sensation. I had to just lay down for a second.
I thought of my younger brother in this moment because he actually had the fall of all falls many years ago. When I thought of him as I was feeling this incredible pain in my toe -I felt like such a baby.
My -fall of all falls -and the pain I was experiencing was my big little toe nail.
The impact of his fall 60 feet from a tree was such that his bones moved through the bottom of his feet and back up again.
Now I'm not really into comparing pain. It just happens to be.. that I have this brother who endured something beyond my imagination and that's where my thoughts floated to with my little bitty fall of all falls.
I tried to not be a baby but that whole thing where I was trying to say this isn't as bad as it could be...didn't work so good.
So instead I just kept moaning and I began to moan with intention which turned into some kind of moan/chant.
Before I was able to do this - The pain and how the blood was flowing indicated to me...my big toe nail may be falling off from the blood underneath it pushing it up. I could also see a bruise was already there.
Some place during the relief of the cold and the aloe -I began to feel like it's possible my big toe nail falling off might not happen but it still could happen. It is the same exact toe nail that just healed from a hiking injury last year!!!
Either way it felt like I was doing the perfect thing for my little fall of all falls.
I began to watch with fascination as the aloe ice cube began melting.
It was melting much slower than an actual ice cube and it was also seeping into the side of my toe nails as if it was doing what it is meant to do.
Rather than water drops moving down and out it was moving in and toward what needed to be healed.
As this was happening I felt happy again.
I grabbed a big bandaid and wrapped that sucker around my toe with aloe -still in the form of ice and just allowed it to be confined to do its magic with protection.
I will do that again two more times this evening and again a few more times tomorrow and see how this goes. I have no idea what will happen
I also have this other thing going on right now that I have to handle and the timing is simply terrible on so many levels and from every angle....
ah..life....to be fully alive.....